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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25734598">Obsessive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idola/pseuds/idola'>idola</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Densetsu no Yuusha no Densetsu | The Legend of the Legendary Heroes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Self-Harm, Stalking, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:47:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>66,128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25734598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idola/pseuds/idola</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ferris turns eighteen, Lucile officially has nothing left to live for. He doesn't expect to have his mind light up with interest when he was supposed to be done with everything he needed to do, but sometimes things don't go exactly as planned.</p>
<p>When Lucile gets interested in something, he gets obsessive. That's just how he is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lucile Eris/Miran Froaude</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Spirals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i feel like i should put some kind of warning for this so just in case the stalking tag didnt make it clear, this is not the fic to learn morality from</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If anyone had asked Lucile what he wanted to be when he grew up, he would’ve said that he didn’t think he’d make it that far. Maybe Ferris would. She’d been in a lot of danger as a kid, but he never doubted that she had more potential to thrive than him. Same with Iris.</p><p>Lucile wasn’t like them, though. He never was and he never would be.</p><p>It wasn’t that he lacked talent. If he had anything, it was natural talent. His parents loved him. They complimented him day in and day out. But those compliments only mattered inside the warped walls of the Eris estate. Outside of it… he failed to shine. Because he wasn’t made of the right material. He was built to last his parents’ training, but not built for much else.</p><p>He had no real desire to try living out there, either. He was fine with how things played out. Ferris and Iris were suited for it, but he wasn’t. Not after living his whole life inside these walls… </p><p>It wasn’t as though he was horribly lonely or anything… He did like being alone. Talking to his sisters only ever frustrated him and made him want to return to the quiet of his room or the quiet of the dojo, so he never went out of his way to see them or talk to them nowadays.</p><p>They never ate together. They never just talked. They didn’t come to him with their problems. Honestly, they’d hardly notice if he left entirely.</p><p>He’d gotten worse as he got older, not better. He knew that, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. How he lived didn’t matter much at all. His sisters’ safety was far more important.</p><p>It wasn’t like he never reflected on why and how this all happened, because he did. Time was all he had and it was natural for his thoughts to fall down the same hole he was currently sitting at the bottom of. When they did, they always settled on the same few conclusions.</p><p>1. He wasn’t born with the same ability to function as a human being that Ferris and Iris were. Even if he was, he’d squandered it as a child, spending all his potential on carving himself in the best way to live in the situation he was raised in. The shape he was now could not fit in the holes of proper society.</p><p>2. Even if he <i>could</i> get better, he lost the right to pursue humanity when he killed their parents. No matter how much harm and suffering they caused, he had done something that he shouldn’t have even thought of doing. Ferris’ reaction was proof of it. The police were suspicious, too, though not so much that they continued to investigate while he isolated himself in his room. It would be stupid to try to live too much. He was better off acting just as traumatized by it all as Ferris was.</p><p>3. Say he did try to live a little. He’d inevitably start with talking to his sisters more. But why should someone who’d dreamed so often of laying with his own family have that right? Whether he wanted it or not, it always rose to the front of his mind when he saw them. He always, always thought of how beautiful they were. He preferred to stay away from them if he could help it. They didn’t need that additional worry in their lives. Not now that they were free of their blood.</p><p>That was that. It was best if he stayed out of the way. Best if he stayed out of his sisters’ lives. Best if he stayed away from society. Best if he stayed out of everything.</p><p>A little under four years had passed since their parents died.</p><p>Lucile had done an alright job of staying away until now, but he’d still needed to be around as the only adult. With their parents dead, Lucile was his sisters’ legal guardian. Without him they would have gone to foster care, and who could say if their fosters would have been any better than their parents?</p><p>Now, though… now Ferris could take care of herself and Iris. So Lucile didn’t have to bother staying.</p><p>He left his room on the night of Ferris’ eighteenth birthday.</p><p>She was on the couch downstairs, where she’d have seen him no matter what he did - it was even facing the only window he could have jumped out of. She rarely sat there for that very reason. They usually avoided each other, and that one place made that impossible. But she was there tonight.</p><p>“…Lucile…”</p><p>Lucile stopped at the bottom step. “Ferris. Today’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday.”</p><p>She didn’t look happy to hear him say that.</p><p>Come to think of it, he’d missed her last couple birthdays. He rarely kept track of time anymore. Because it was pointless. This one day was different, though. That was why he remembered.</p><p>“…Are you going somewhere?” Ferris asked, glancing at Lucile’s wallet in his hands.</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“Out.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>She couldn’t argue with that, so she didn’t. But she did call out to him when he was halfway out the door.</p><p>“…If there’s anything you want to talk about… I’ll lend you my ear.” </p><p>Lucile smiled. Ferris was sweet. He turned back to look at her for just a moment.</p><p>She used to be so little… but as of today, she was an adult. A real adult. He’d been nagging at her every day for the past few years to become more independent in anticipation for today. Now she’d be able to do whatever she wanted.</p><p>She looked every part of being an adult, too. Her face, her body… He felt his smile tighten on his face. He glanced down a little to Iris, asleep in her lap. Ferris used to be that little too. Someday Iris would be as big as Ferris was now… </p><p>But she had Ferris to watch over her. So she’d be okay.</p><p>“I don’t,” Lucile finally answered. “There’s nothing I want to talk about.” </p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“…Have a safe trip…”</p><p>Lucile turned back towards the outdoors, then closed the door behind himself. He crossed the garden to the front gate without looking back.</p><p>The night air should’ve felt the same both inside and outside the gate, but it didn’t. Not really. The air was wider, thinner, and the cool breeze seemed to pick up now that there wasn’t a gate to stop it.</p><p>It was unfortunate, but Ferris’ birthday was deep in summer. He’d look strange if he wore any more than he already was and end up garnering more attention, not less, no matter how bare it felt for the wind to seep through the thin cloth on his arms. He only had a light jacket on, and the wind found a way.</p><p>How long had it been since he left their property? It had definitely been longer than most people ever stayed in one place… Months, certainly.</p><p>Lucile stood for a moment.</p><p>Right… or was it left?</p><p>He stood for an embarrassingly long amount of time outside the gates, pushing his stagnant mind to recall how to get to his destination. It’d been so long since he went out… and it wasn’t like his parents wanted him leaving all the time even when he was younger and they claimed to trust him most of all.</p><p>Once he started walking in the right direction, his mental map of the area became a little less cloudy. Yes, he had to turn here… and then… mm. Good. It’d be open for another several hours, so he didn’t have to worry about looking suspicious coming in at such an odd time of day. Even if he did look suspicious… would anyone stop him at this point?</p><p>He didn’t think so.</p><p>He arrived at his destination - the bank.</p><p>He had to make sure that Ferris would only have access to some of the family’s money for a while before getting access to all of it. Because the Eris family didn’t need to own Wynnit Dango, no matter how much she might believe that they did.</p><p>The accountant gave him an odd look as he made sure everything was settled. But she didn’t say anything. Because she could tell that he didn’t want to talk. And it wasn’t her job to say anything more than how to do what he asked.</p><p>Lucile left the bank once he was done getting Ferris’ finances in order. His voice was sore from talking… even though he hadn’t said all that much. His body was tired of being used. That much was clear.</p><p>He had come out with two goals. The first was complete, so it was time to pursue the second.</p><p>He called for a taxi to drop him off a few miles north of Central Reylude Station. The actual location was a nail salon or something. </p><p>The cab’s GPS said it’d be twelve minutes.</p><p>He felt like he should have something to think about. But he didn’t. He spent most of that time staring out of the window, thankful for his blank mind. He didn’t like to think if he could avoid it, but he usually couldn’t.</p><p>All he did was think most days. Not about anything useful. His mind worked in circles, one after another, a never ending stream of the same words and concepts, around and around, to the point where he got dizzy from the pressure of his own mind.</p><p>Despite the GPS’s claims, the trip took fifteen minutes total. The rate was miscalculated, too, no doubt intentionally. Lucile was well aware that he was the perfect picture of Roland’s upper class. So it was no surprise that someone would try to get a built-in tip. He paid without arguing. Because it really didn’t matter.</p><p>Lucile got out of the car without another word to the driver. The driver didn’t wait for him to go inside or anything. He simply drove off to search for another passenger, without ever looking back. Good.</p><p>Lucile was across the street from the tracks and had five minutes to burn if everything went on schedule. The train was coming from Nelpha, so it shouldn’t be more than ten minutes late. So he had between five and fifteen minutes to turn around and walk twenty feet… </p><p>This was it, then. This was— </p><p>The automatic door ten feet in front of him suddenly opened. A tall man met his eyes from the other side. He instantly cocked his head to the side, a healthy suspicion glinting in his eyes.</p><p>Lucile blinked.</p><p>Was his situation finally catching up to him? His heart was racing all of a sudden… </p><p>“…They’re closing,” the man said. His voice was far deeper than Lucile would have guessed, considering his long hair and nails. Lucile’s eyes followed one of his hands as he brought it to his hair to brush through it as he stared, somewhere between curious and suspicious.</p><p>Something about it… something about him. Something made Lucile’s face flush. The kind of flush where he could feel the blood in his cheeks in a split-second, straight from normal to burning hot, never hitting the comfortable warmth in the center.</p><p>He was blushing, wasn’t he?</p><p>He’d never had that happen for a stranger. No, it was always… always Ferris or something… </p><p>Lucile turned away. He could see the tracks from here. But now this man’s attention was on him, and he doubted that he’d leave before Lucile did. Because he looked curious why someone would ask to be dropped off in front of a closing nail salon when everything else around them was already closed too. “I see,” Lucile said. He was aware of every breath of air that left his body. Somehow his head felt lighter than the wind blowing his hair from his face. “I guess I should have come earlier. Haha.”</p><p>“I suppose so.”</p><p>Neither of them moved. Lucile could feel the eyes on his back. It was invigorating, somehow.</p><p>This was a first. An honest first.</p><p>His life had been stagnant since birth, even more so in these past four years. He never left the house. He never spoke with others. And now, the first person in a long, long time called out to him from afar. Would it have made his heart beat like this if it was anyone, he wondered?</p><p>…No, this man was special. He knew it from the way his mind begged him to turn back around to stare. He wasn’t special like Ferris. It was a new kind of special, far removed from the thick blood of the Eris family that was pounding through Lucile’s veins as he took in the feeling of being alive against the cool night air.

</p>
<p>“It’s a nice night, isn’t it?” Lucile said. Because that’s all he knew what to say in a situation like this.</p><p>A pause. Maybe the other man was considering it. Looking up at the same sky Lucile was looking at. “It is.”</p><p>“…Sounds like the train’s coming.”</p><p>No reply. But he didn’t walk away, either. He stood in place, watching Lucile watch the train go by. It was the final train of the night. Lucile hadn’t meant to miss it. But now he didn’t really feel like taking a train out. No, he’d rather know who he was standing here watching it with.</p><p>It wasn’t terribly long, as far as trains went. It was gone as fast as it came.</p><p>“Were you planning on taking that train?” The man asked.</p><p>“I was. But…”</p><p>Lucile turned back to look at the other man one more time. Long black hair, black clothes. Freshly done black nails. He was probably either upper-middle or upper class, judging by how well-kept he was. He wasn’t the sort of person that one might lose in a crowd. He was far too eye-catching for that. Though he might not be the person to be in crowds in the first place… </p><p>“…But I’ve distracted you, have I. Apologies.” He didn’t sound sorry at all. But he didn’t sound worried, either. “That was the last train of the night, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“It was.”</p><p>“I suppose you’ll need to wait for tomorrow, then…”</p><p>“No… no, I think I’ll just stay at home tomorrow.”</p><p>“I see. Good night, then…”</p><p>“Good night,” Lucile said. He took a few steps towards the direction that the taxi he took in came from. Then paused. Thought about asking for a name. But then he thought better of it and continued. He stopped the first cab he found and told them to take him home.</p><p>It was a strange ride back because he hadn’t been planning on taking a second cab. But he didn’t think much about that fact. His mind was too full of the man he met.</p><p>His face, just as harsh as it was handsome. The intense feeling of their eyes meeting. The slight raise of his eyebrows when it clicked for him. He would go home today knowing that he very unintentionally prevented the death of a stranger. How would he feel about it? Strange, if the look on his face was anything to go by. A little confused, maybe. Why him…? Well, it was just a coincidence.</p><p>His mind, which only knew how to draw circles with its thoughts, was finally learning to make ovals, spirals, something that could lead somewhere.</p><p>Lucile was quiet once he arrived home so as to not catch his sisters’ attention. It’d been a while since he left, and Ferris had no excuse to be up that late. She knew that he’d scold her if she was still out on the couch, so she’d probably gone up to her room. Good.</p><p>For a moment, her face as she called out to him rose in his mind once more.</p><p>She had looked worried, now that he thought about it.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He hadn’t thought about it at the time. What had made her anxious?</p><p>No, he was kidding himself. He’d been happy to see that she was anxious like that. Because he liked seeing emotions on her face… </p><p>He pushed their conversation to the back of his mind. He had other things to worry about now. He made a beeline for his room and found a phone book in one of his bookcases to flip through. He had to know more, but he couldn’t do it himself. Anyone would remember their conversation, and anyone would recognize Lucile after seeing him once. He was unforgettable in all the worst ways.</p><p>He needed someone far more plain.</p><p>His fingers settled under a company’s name - Miller Private Investigation Services. Yes, this would do. But their phone’s hours were 9-5. So he had to wait for morning.</p><p>He didn’t sleep much. Or at all. Instead he sketched the man from before. It would be easy enough to find him again if he always went to that nail salon, but it was better to have more information than less. Who knew if other men with long, dark hair went to that salon. It was best to have a sketch ready.</p><p>Eventually, amid the papers and papers of sketches, each closer to reality than the last, he stood and stretched.</p><p>Lucile went to the dojo around sunrise per his morning routine, waiting in the absolute silence he so craved until eight-thirty.</p><p>It just felt… wrong, somehow, to ignore the routine his parents had spent their lives trying to engrave in him. So he still went. Sometimes he trained Ferris, too, so she could defend herself if worse came to worst, but he usually felt that it was better if he just went by himself.</p><p>Once his mind was satisfied that its internal clockwork still ticked, he went inside and showered.</p><p>He called the agency five minutes past nine to make sure that they were in. It was his first time making a phone call in a while, but as Ferris and Iris’ guardian, he hadn’t been able to avoid them entirely. Outside the realm of necessity, though… </p><p>This was probably his first unnecessary call. Ever.</p><p>“Hello, Miller Private Investigation Services. This is Luke speaking. How can I help you?”</p><p>“I need information on someone.”</p><p>“What kind of information?”</p><p>“Everything you can find.”</p><p>There was a brief pause on the other end. “Are you asking for basics such as name, date of birth, education, and criminal record? Or are you wanting specific information like infidelity?”</p><p>“I suppose it’s best to start with the basics,” Lucile said.</p><p>“Could you tell me why you’d like to hire an investigator?”</p><p>“I just want to know who he is.”</p><p>“Er… I’m not sure that my boss would take that for rationale on a job record, and just in case, our company does not endorse behavior that could be construed as stalking. Could you be a little more specific?”</p><p>Fine, then. “I met him last night, and I really want to see him again… Is that not a good enough reason? We talked a bit but I never got a name…” </p><p>“…It should be alright. Please tell me everything you know about him, then.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>It was rare for Miran to be so distracted.<p>He’d had a strange experience last night. That had been the start of it.</p><p>He had been carrying out a routine of his. When his nails were chipped or broken, he had the immediate desire to fix them. Walking around with subpar nails was intolerable.</p><p>The nail of his right index finger broke against a drawer that morning.</p><p>He went straight to his usual nail salon to get it fixed after work, and when he was done there and left… the most beautiful man he’d ever seen had gotten out of a car on the other side of the street from the one and only passenger line that went through Reylude.</p><p>It was a convenient place for Miran to attend to his nails since it was close to work. But it wasn’t a convenient place for a nail salon, not really. Roland’s suicide rate was quite high, and jumping before a moving train was one of the easiest ways to ensure death without jumping through too many hoops - guns ownership required one’s name on a registry, which was often used when the upper class needed someone to throw under the bus for crimes, and poisons were typically extremely difficult to come by or unreliable, particularly if one didn’t live alone.</p><p>So the fastest and most efficient place to die was the train line.</p><p>Miran knew what the blond was there for that moment after they locked eyes. Nothing else was open in the area, the salon was closing. It was a clear walk to the tracks, and there was only a short fence to cross to jump down into them, unlike some areas which had larger walls or thickly wound barbed wires.</p><p>But what truly gave it away… were his dead eyes. He looked like he had nothing to live for. He looked like every extra second of his life was an eternity.</p><p>He had come to die. Miran had no doubt about it. But he didn’t end up jumping. The last train passed while they were talking.</p><p>Miran didn’t typically make a habit of entertaining distractions at work. He was there to get something done, not feed into whatever gossip was currently circulating the office. And yet he clicked his phone on multiple occasions over the course of the day to check the news, curious. But nothing mentioned a suicide in Reylude.</p><p>It was an odd feeling.</p><p>That was the first time Miran had ever seen that man before. It wasn’t like it was a chance meeting between childhood friends, and it wasn’t as though he said anything particularly kind, either.</p><p>Yes, it was a coincidence. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet his mind continued to wander back to the look of surprise on that man’s face when his dead eyes met Miran’s and widened. As his mouth opened and he took in the slightest breath of night air.</p><p>What had been so surprising to him? It wasn’t surprising that someone would walk out of a closing establishment. Had he been in some kind of daze that broke when he was spoken to? Perhaps he had just gone through a break-up or something similar, then, and did not really need to end his life to solve his problems. But those dead eyes… no, he looked like he had every right to die. Like he was truly fed up with existing.</p><p>How could someone so dead have found the will to continue from that…? </p><p>Judging by the lack of news on the topic… Miran had extended his life, though he couldn’t comprehend how or why.</p><p>He checked the news the next day, too, on his way to work. There was nothing labelled a suicide among the daily deaths, but after another night’s sleep, it occurred to him to check the regular obituaries. It was easy enough for more fortunate families to obscure causes of death, and it was easy to imagine such a handsome blond as being rather fortunate. Most blonds in Roland were. It was a remnant of the old nobility system. Even with it rendered useless, people still preferred to marry within their class, after all… </p><p>There were five deaths by ‘accidents’ the previous day. Seven the day before. Miran looked up each name to see if they brought a familiar face to the front of the results’ page of a quick search. None did, though.</p><p>Another day passed. Still no news of a suicide. Still no familiar faces in the accidental deaths.</p><p>He wondered what that man was doing now, if he was really still alive… </p><p>What an odd feeling indeed. </p><p>Though it really had nothing to do with him.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>Luke’s report came three days after Lucile contracted him.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>I’ve managed to locate the person you asked me to find.</p>
  <p>Name: Miran Froaude<br/>
DOB: 12/26  Age: 22</p>
  <p>Attached is a copy of his adoption certificate originating from the Ackmel region of Roland. I was unable to find a birth certificate as you requested, but the adoption certificate should be sufficient to prove that this isn’t just a catfish. He does not have a criminal record, and graduated college from a private university here in Reylude.</p>
  <p>I have verified that this information is sufficient for finding him on social media, where you can also check the details if you’re curious. He has active accounts which you should be able to contact him through.</p>
  <p>Good luck!</p>
</blockquote><p>So they were the same age. And he was adopted. At age 5, according to his certificate. He must have lived quite a different life from Lucile, then…</p><p>Lucile searched Miran’s name online to verify that the one Luke found was the same person. It wasn’t a common name at all. Only one person came up, and it was definitely him. Lucile’s chest warmed as he clicked on the first of his profiles to come up in a search and was greeted with an image of his face as his icon.</p><p>As Luke said, he did have social media. But it was very detached and clearly only existed so that people would think he was normal. Lucile didn’t have any social media at all, though, so this man - Miran, he was called - was ahead of him on that front… </p><p>Luke seemed to think it was done and over with now. But that wasn’t how this was going to work. Miran would recognize him if Lucile sent him a message, and that would be that. Besides, communication wasn’t exactly Lucile’s strong point… He’d butcher it somehow. And why bother in the first place? He wasn’t the kind of person that belonged in society. He wasn’t meant to interact with others. </p><p>Lucile checked a few other things while he was looking around on social media, then called Luke back. Someone else answered. But he needed Luke again. “I’d like to speak to Luke.”</p><p>“Oh. Alright.” Lucile heard a bit of yelling on the other end, then heard the phone move around before he heard Luke’s soft voice.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Hey. I have another job for you…”</p><p>“…And you are…?”</p><p>“The one who had you look up a man named Miran Froaude.”</p><p>“Er… are you wanting more information on him?”</p><p>“Yes. You didn’t tell me how you got all of this information, for one.”</p><p>“It’s company policy to provide only the information our clients asked for.”</p><p>“…Then I’d like to hire you privately.”</p><p>“Sir, I work for this company. I don’t do independent jobs.”</p><p>“You must’ve looked into me too, right?” Lucile asked. He was sure to keep his tone amicable. “You must have seen that I have more money than I know what to do with. And I happened to notice that you have a daughter.”</p><p>“What are you—”</p><p>“ I’ll pay for her college upfront if you get me a few things,” Lucile interrupted.</p><p>“I… what do you… er, what would you like?”</p><p>“First, if you tailed him, I want you to tell me everything you saw him do in the past few days. If you do, I’ll send you enough for her first semester at school. Just give me your account number so I can make a transfer.”</p><p>“…Hold on. I’ll text it to you from my personal phone number, then call you back from there.”</p><p>Lucile smiled.</p><p>The conversation proceeded smoothly once he made a transfer of several thousand into Luke’s account. Luke called back instantly, apparently from his cell, and began to explain.</p><p>“I went to the nail salon with my daughter and got her a manicure since she did so well on her last test. While I was there I checked the waiting list papers. They put a new one out each day but don’t always take the old one out from under it, so it was easy enough to see the list from last night. Miran Froaude was the last name, since he came in at 7:41 at night. The establishment closes at 8:00 pm, so he was cutting it close.”</p><p>“Mm.”</p><p>“From there I searched his name online. Fortunately, he had social media where I could confirm that he matched the description you provided.”</p><p>“Did you see him again?”</p><p>“Yes. I double-checked that he works where his profile said he did to ensure that it wasn’t a catfished account or anything. He came out several hours after the first employees started to leave, so either he was busy working on something specific, came in late, or he’s a workaholic. Most people don’t stay at the office until seven at night, after all.”</p><p>“I see…”</p><p>“He was alone when I observed him. Wore all black. He didn’t look up from his phone as he left the office. My assumption at the time was that he was likely sending the last emails of the day.”</p><p>“Did you follow him back?”</p><p>“No. Your request didn’t include a request for his address or license plate, so I packed up and went home. I did get a picture of him leaving, but it was low quality due to the time of day.”</p><p>“Send it anyway.”</p><p>It came in after a few seconds. Luke was right, it wasn’t a great picture. But it was enough to see that Luke’s word was the truth. Miran’s face - the same face from a few nights ago, yes, despite its blurriness - was looking at his phone, not paying all that much attention to his surroundings. </p><p>“…Good. Alright. I have another job for you, then. I’ll pay for another semester’s worth of your daughter’s schooling once you complete it.”</p><p>“What would you like?”</p><p>“Two things. The first is that I would like to know where he lives. Be sure to include a picture of the exterior, as well as any pictures you happen to take of him along the way.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“The second is that I would like a lock of his hair.”</p><p>“…His hair,” Luke repeated. “Er, what for?”</p><p>“I would like to have it. That’s all. I don’t care if you think it’s weird. Haha. It’s your kid’s schooling. Her future. Surely it’s worth a lock of hair?”</p><p>Luke sighed. “Are you sure about this? You said that you’ve spoken once before, right? Why not just talk to him again? If you went to lunch or something with him, you’d probably be able to find a hair afterwards. Not that I recommend keeping stuff like that…”</p><p>“Do you want the money or not?”</p><p>Luke was quiet for a long moment. “Would you like an envelope mailed, or would you prefer to retrieve it in person?”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “In person. My nosy sister gets the mail… hahah, ha…” </p><p>It was something to look forward to. That was why it was good.</p><p>Say… he was going to kill himself just a few days ago. He’d been sure of it. He had the whole thing ready and was committed to actually doing it. Because he hadn’t been living for a long, long time. He’d been existing. No more and no less. But wasn’t he living now? He was looking forward to something. Looking from afar. Harmless by its very nature. Wasn’t it okay, then?</p><p>“……”  </p><p>He still thought about it. About that day.</p><p>Not just meeting Miran. The events that had led up to it too.</p><p>He’d been so sure that suicide was what he was supposed to do then. But when he thought about it now… he wondered. If he was so sure about it, then why did he wait for the last train? So as to not traumatize Ferris on her birthday? He’d already traumatized her enough. It didn’t matter if he did it in the morning or in the evening. Killing himself would cause her more trouble.</p><p>Her worried expression that night had been proof of it.</p><p>If she hadn’t suspected it, why would she have told him that he could talk to her if he needed it? She must have… known. No, that was a strong word. But she wasn’t clueless. She was an adult, and she knew that he’d existed in absolute isolation since their parents died. She knew, more than anyone, that his life was empty.</p><p>So she had suspected that he might try something, hadn’t she.</p><p>How would she have felt if he’d gone through with it? Yes, she’d called out to him. But she hadn’t followed him to make sure that he did stay safe. Still, she was kinder than anything. She’d definitely beat herself up for that for the rest of her life if she had to live with the knowledge that she allowed him to die.</p><p>The farther he got from that day, the more sure he was that his original thought process had been a mistake. It was funny. His parents treated him like a genius. But in reality, he always made mistakes like this. He never knew what he was supposed to do.</p><p>For now, he’d live. At least that part seemed right. And he’d hire Luke to motivate him and keep him from going back on that.</p><p>Luke was a hardworking and reliable guy. He got Lucile the pictures he wanted the same evening he asked. One of Miran walking. One of him entering his home.</p><p>Miran’s house was larger than one would expect for someone his age, so it was more than likely that he used family money for it or otherwise inherited it. Lucile hired Luke to spend his day off observing the house to see if Miran lived alone.</p><p>Luke determined that it was extremely unlikely that Miran was living with anyone else. Because he never saw anyone else enter or leave the house. So Lucile paid for Luke to watch him the next day, too. That day, Miran went out. But only to the store for groceries. No visitors again.</p><p>Apparently Miran wasn’t a very social person. That was alright. More than alright. As brightly as someone like Iris could shine, it could also get annoying quickly.</p><p>Not that it really mattered how social Miran was. Lucile would never talk to him again, after all… </p><p>Oh, but he might be able to hear his voice even if they didn’t talk. That was an idea. Luke needed to finish his first task first, but— </p><p>Someone knocked on his bedroom door.</p><p>“Someone’s here for you,” Ferris said. “In the garden.”</p><p>“…I see. I’ll go see him.”</p><p>Ferris was quiet for a moment. Then, “Who is it? He doesn’t seem like a door-to-door salesman.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it, Ferris.”</p><p>“Mm…”</p><p>Lucile waited a moment to give her time to leave his door. She took her time, but she did eventually step away.</p><p>“……”  </p><p>Before he wanted to just die and rot, a part of him had wanted to just become someone else. Anyone else. But then he realized that was the same thing as dying.</p><p>Ferris was both the cause of that desire and the cause of his hesitation. Maybe it wouldn’t have been a problem if he wasn’t so painfully human. But he was, and because of that, he didn’t want to see her if he could avoid it. He nodded to himself when she finally opened a door on the other side of the hall, returning to her room.</p><p>So Luke had finally accomplished the second part of his first task, had he?</p><p>With Ferris out of the way, he allowed his caged excitement to bubble up inside of his chest. He never used to feel it, but these past few days he had all sorts of things to look forward to. He opened the door. </p><p>Apparently Ferris was feeling particularly nosy today, as she’d left her door just cracked enough to widen her eyes at him leaving his room. Was it really so surprising that he was actually going this time instead of just ignoring whoever came to the door?</p><p>…Actually, yeah. It was pretty weird. Lucile wasn’t the type to make friends, and this probably looked like a friendship to her, since Luke was close to his age. But in reality, it was just a business transaction. </p><p>Lucile had seen pictures of Luke before, from when he was looking for an angle to bribe him from. But he was taller in person than Lucile would have guessed. He made a face like Lucile definitely wasn’t what he was expecting either. Then he handed over a little plastic bag wordlessly.</p><p>Lucile held it up against the sky. It was bright, so it was easy to see the dark hair inside. It was long, curled several times to fit inside the small bag. “Good job.” He handed Luke an envelope that he’d prepared in advance as payment.</p><p>Luke opened it up to count the bills. He sighed once he confirmed the amount. “Are you really okay with this? I met your sister at the door. Shouldn’t you be spending money on her, not on… a lock of hair?”</p><p>“It’s none of your business how I spend my time and money. Besides… my sisters don’t want to spend time with me anyway. Ferris is an adult and has her own money. Iris isn’t, but Ferris is capable of taking care of her…”</p><p>“So you’ve bowed out of their lives. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit sad?” Luke asked. Even now, his tone was gentle. He was probably a good guardian… no, a good father.</p><p>“Haha. But they don’t want me in their lives in the first place. So it’s better this way.”</p><p>Luke didn’t seem to think so. But he pocketed Lucile’s money regardless, then looked back at him with a neutral expression. “What were you wanting me to do next?”</p><p>“Two things. I don’t know which is easier for you, but I’ll pay the same price for them both - a semester at Reylude’s top private college. Last time I had two jobs for you, I paid for one semester. But this time they’ll be one each, so once you complete them, she’ll have two years worth of school paid in full.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“I want a voice recording. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, but the clearer you can make it the better.”</p><p>“I can do that.”</p><p>“Next… hm. Have you ever seen him go into a restaurant?”</p><p>“I have seen him go into a cafe.”</p><p>“What does he order?”</p><p>“He got an iced coffee last time.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “Good. That’s perfect. I’d like you to get me his straw next time… His fork, too, if he gets one.”</p><p>“Wh… S, sir, that’s—”</p><p>“The cost of college, I’m afraid.”</p><p>When Lucile went back to the door to return inside, it was already closing. His sisters, ever nosy. Of course. When he opened it, he quickly saw Iris’ head peeking over the corner.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Her eyes were wide with curiosity, lacking all the fear he’d expect if she were Ferris. Yes, Ferris told her to be wary, made her anxious by her own tension; but when it was just him and Iris, she often approached him with the boldness that only a ten year old could have, hidden only behind the faux guard of listening to Ferris even when she wasn’t right by her side.</p><p>He hated to see it. Because when she looked at him like that, she just looked like his little sister. Not someone who was scared of him. They had so many shared features, and even now, he could see her as a baby in his arms, in Ferris’ arms— </p><p>“Do you have nothing better to do?” Lucile asked.</p><p>Iris puffed her cheeks up. “You’re so mean! Geez!” And so she fled, with the same energy as always, perfectly unharmed by everything he couldn’t place but couldn’t be right.</p><p>Luke could say that it was sad all he wanted, but the fact was that he did not understand and would not understand, as an outsider to the Eris family. For Luke, love for his child might be the most natural thing in the world. For an Eris, it was something to be regarded with as much suspicion as appreciation. There was no pure love in this house. There never would be.</p><p>He had lived for so long just to protect those girls because of the feeling in his chest. Because of the love in his chest. But he couldn’t really say what made up that love, so wasn’t it better for everyone if he averted his eyes?</p><p>They were strong now. They didn’t need him to protect them anymore. He’d do more harm than good the closer he was to them.</p><p>So wasn’t it best to entertain himself with something wholly different?</p><p>Lucile returned to his room and got comfortable before removing Miran’s hair from the bag. It was possible that it was someone else’s, yes, but he didn’t think it was. The texture felt right, and it was just the right length.</p><p>First he wrapped it around his finger. Then his tongue.</p><p>Was it gross to act like this? He didn’t care. There was a special thrill in having something he shouldn’t. In doing something that Miran didn’t know about, and would never know about.</p><p>He didn’t know that Lucile was doing this. He didn’t even know Lucile’s name.</p><p>He wondered idly if Miran ever thought about him. If he wondered what happened that night or on nights after it.</p><p>Lucile hadn’t expected to find something that captured his interest that night. A part of him felt that he was living past his expiration date. But the rest was just looking forward to that straw.</p>
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</div>Luke’s conscience was biting at him.<p>He knew better than to come home with thousands and thousands in his pockets. If it was enough to make Milk nervous if she saw it, then it was too much to accept for a job. But here he was now, walking through the front door with enough money to feel ashamed.</p><p>It was for Milk. He was doing it for her.</p><p>Was that a poor excuse? He didn’t care. That’s what he kept telling himself. He hid the money in his safe before she got the chance to happen upon it.</p><p>Milk wasn’t his ‘real’ daughter. They weren’t related by blood. She technically wasn’t even his adoptive daughter - that honor went to a horrible man that he preferred she didn’t go anywhere near if she could help it. He was technically only her host father while she studied in the center Reylude rather than the far outskirts, long past the suburbs, but to him it was just as strong of a bond as blood could be. He fully intended on helping her cut ties with her horrible family as soon as she was able.</p><p>That was why the money Lucile was giving him was so important.</p><p>Luke had been an orphan just like Milk was. He knew how hard it was to find one’s own way in the world without the support of others. Miller was the first mentor he ever had, and he’d been so grateful back when they met… </p><p>And now here he was. Getting ready for another early day so he could go stalk someone before he had to go to work. Then when he got off work, he’d go back to stalking him. Wonderful!! He didn’t know when his target would come to the café. It might be tomorrow or it might take a week.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>The next day he got there early, hoping that Miran Froaude might stop for coffee before work. No luck. And just as he was about to leave to go to work—</p><p>“Whoa, what’re <i>you</i> doin’ here?”</p><p>Luke’s mind perked up like it might with a shot of espresso. He looked up to see Claugh, his oldest friend. “Here for a morning smoothie?”</p><p>“You didn’t answer me.”</p><p>“Work,” Luke said simply.</p><p>“Uh, like, investigator work?” Claugh asked and scrunched up his nose.</p><p>“Well, yes… that <i>is</i> my job.”</p><p>“Ugh, you know what I mean!” Claugh said. Then, completely ignoring that Luke was supposed to be working, he sat down beside him and squinted out the window. “So who’re you stalkin’ today?”</p><p>Would it hurt to talk to Claugh for a minute? No, Luke decided. It would help ease his nerves, and that’d make him work better. It was the smarter move in this situation. “Someone who works in the same building you do, actually.”</p><p>“…Huh. You’re not gonna argue about the stalking part today?”</p><p>Luke scoffed. He was in no place to argue that now… </p><p>“Seriously, who is it?”</p><p>“You’d just tell them,” Luke said. “You’re too much of a loud mouth. You tell everyone everything.”</p><p>“Do not.”</p><p>“I’d be breaking client confidentiality if I told you.” </p><p>“No way. Miller knows me. I’m basically an employee there too. He wouldn’t care if you told me.”</p><p>“That’s not how employment works, you know. And you also know that he’d be furious.”</p><p>“Details, details.”</p><p>“Fine. I’m actually stalking you today. For my own personal research.”</p><p>Claugh instantly drew back.</p><p>Luke laughed. Claugh was as easy to fool as always. It put him in a good mood.</p><p>Maybe this wouldn’t be too bad. He’d get the chance to mess with Claugh more than usual, after all. But… he still felt bad about the target. Miran Froaude. Was that someone Claugh knew? Were they on good terms? He seemed like the exact kind of person that Claugh would pretend to hate but secretly want to be friends with.</p><p>Maybe Claugh was right after all. He always told Luke to quit his job and work with him instead. It was starting to look awfully appealing. Working side-by-side with Claugh would probably be a lot more fun than stalking people for Miller. But he couldn’t walk out on his mentor after so long.</p><p>Besides, Miller wasn’t making him do this. Luke was doing it all on his own. So he steeled himself, scanning the morning crowds for the man that Lucile Eris was so infatuated with.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Into Distraction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Recently Miran had the persistent sensation of being watched.</p><p>It wasn’t bad at work - there, he typically forgot about it entirely. Inside of his home was fine, too. But if he went outside, if he walked across the street to get coffee during the work day, the sensation pricked the back of his neck no matter which way he turned.</p><p>Was he just being paranoid? No matter how much he looked, no matter how much he focused, he never met anyone’s eyes. He tried paying more attention to his surroundings throughout the day in order to get a feeling for who or what it might be, but… he never met anyone’s eyes. It was extremely difficult to determine if it was just in his head or not.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Still. He had decided to take his lunch out of the office, as the coffee inside was frankly undrinkable, and he hadn’t slept well enough to finish everything he wanted to do without it. He already told his boss that he would go out, but now that he was in the cafe, he was regretting it.</p><p>He turned abruptly to try to catch them in the act, to no avail. So he turned back to his iced coffee. He would finish as soon as possible and return to work. Next time he had the urge to get coffee during the day, he’d get it to-go…</p><p>He finished his coffee without savoring it much at all, put the glass above the trash for recollection, then left for outside.</p><p>Seconds later, Miran felt something change.</p><p>That. That was the feeling. Like… something abruptly focusing on him far too clearly for it to just be a glance then looking away. It was gone as fast as it came. He turned back to look inside where he just was.</p><p>Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, anyway.</p><p>And yet, for some reason, his eyes focused on the glass he’d just left there. Something seemed off. He scowled. It was something about that glass… </p><p>He turned back towards work as he considered it.</p><p>It was only when the elevator chimed and opened to his floor did he realize what was so amiss.</p><p>It was the straw. It had vanished.</p><p>“……”   </p><p>He hadn’t… thrown it away. Had he?</p>
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</div>“…Mmm…”<p>At first he just smelled it. But it was difficult to get anything of value from that, since the scent of coffee far overwhelmed whatever toothpaste or mints he might have used that day.</p><p>Then he touched it to his lips, not wanting to ruin it or lose the traces of saliva. It had the slightest bite marks like Miran was anxious about something while drinking, and small as they were, they were impossible to ignore against his lips. But soon the temptation won out, and he compared the marks to his own teeth. Touched the tip with his tongue.</p><p>“Mm, mmf…”</p><p>At that point it was impossible to resist the urge to get off to the feeling of what he was doing. The knowledge of it all.</p><p>Lucile had long since willed his body’s reproductive system to fall into disuse. But no matter how much he wished for it, it just didn’t happen, and the less he paid attention to it, the more reactionary it was. So he was forced to pay attention to it.</p><p>He’d always hated it. Because… anyone who grew up how he did would hate it. Should hate it, at the very least.</p><p>He was born into this world, into this body to lay with his sisters. His parents told him that many times up until their deaths four years ago. It was to the point where just using the bathroom would make him think of it: ‘I was born in this body to use this to take Ferris, with force if need be.’</p><p>His mind never let him forget. Every time it begged for release, it reminded him. Every time he saw his sisters… it reminded him. That they were beautiful on the outside and were bound to be wonderful inside, too. That he was born to coerce them into continuing the Eris line in the purest way imaginable.</p><p>But he wasn’t thinking of that now. It was probably the first time he’d ever touched himself without the thought of his own kin bare before him forcing itself too strongly into his mind - yes, it was still there in the corners, in the background, but his mind was too busy for that now. Busy with the thought of what this straw had been through a couple hours ago.</p><p>Luke had given him a printed picture of Miran drinking an iced coffee with this very straw on Lucile’s request. It appeared to have some sort of syrup drizzled in it, and on tasting the bottom end he figured that it was caramel. He hadn’t been expecting Miran to like sweet iced coffee. The contrast of such a dark and serious expression and the sweet drink was strangely appealing.</p><p>“…Mmh.”</p><p>He finished with a shiver and sighed against the straw in his mouth. He was careful not to bite down and ruin the cute little marks it came with. Then he put it back in the plastic bag Luke had given it to him in to help preserve it. Afterwards he put it on his desk with the hair Luke brought him last time. Then he looked around, a bit disoriented.</p><p>His room hadn’t changed in a long time.</p><p>He never bought new books. Just reread the same old ones, if he did anything at all. He didn’t have any hobbies. Ferris and Iris were always trying new things and going shopping for new trinkets, but he never did. His room was exactly the same now as it was four years ago when their parents died… with one exception. No, a few exceptions now.</p><p>His desk was covered in pictures of Miran Froaude, someone he’d spoken to once over the course of about five minutes. He also had a lock of his hair and a straw he used. Lucile spent a good portion of the day zoning out into pictures of him nowadays. When he zoned out before, it was staring at the wall.</p><p>Some things never really changed, he supposed.</p><p>But other things did.</p><p>For example.</p><p>Lucile had never had iced coffee before. He knew where Miran worked now, and Luke said that he got the straw from the cafe across the street from his work. Luke said that Miran went there fairly often, as far as he could see.</p><p>Lucile never had any real desire to leave the Eris property. He was content to live drifting between his room and the dojo, never seeing the world outside their gate. But now he wanted to try that caramel iced coffee.</p><p>He got dressed the next day around sunrise and left earlier than Iris and Ferris would normally be awake. It was about an hour away if he walked. A bit more useful of training than meditating in an empty dojo, wasn’t it?</p><p>Perhaps it was due to his childhood inside the tired and empty Eris walls, but Lucile wasn’t particularly fond of crowds. They were loud, cramped, and often dirty. If he was going somewhere, he far preferred to be chauffeured so that he didn’t have to deal with it. Though he never really went anywhere, so it was rare to need to think about it… </p><p>It had been quite some time since he felt like walking somewhere. But it was a nice and empty morning. The air was cleaner than usual and the sun hadn’t yet risen high enough to be suffocating. The coffee shop would be open by the time he arrived. So for the time being, Lucile took his time and walked the empty morning streets that he so rarely saw.</p><p>Luke hadn’t gotten him a voice recording yet. When he did, Lucile would have the opportunity to ask more of him.</p><p>He thought of what he might request next as he walked.</p><p>He’d like it if he could hear Miran’s complete schedule. He wanted to know what time the first lights in his house went on and what time the last light turned off. Was he the type who needed to sleep lots? Or did he have horrible insomnia? Any answer was fine as long as he could know.</p><p>These perverse desires were all he cared about lately. That was true. But it was a step-up from not caring about anything at all, or only caring about things he didn’t want to care about. He passed some tracks on the way to the cafe, and only noticed when a train roared by not a minute later. Because they didn’t have much to do with him anymore.</p><p>He should have died that day… but he hadn’t.</p><p>Being expired wasn’t so bad after all. It put a lot out of his mind knowing that his affairs were in order. Maybe he was a living ghost, but… Was that really so bad?</p><p>He was still alive, after all. He could still order an iced coffee with caramel drizzle and try it for the first time.</p><p>Lucile was the first customer of the day. It was a Tuesday, though, so other people came in before his drink was made. He sat in a corner far from the morning traffic to focus on his drink. It also happened to be the out of the way corner in Luke’s picture of Miran - the very same place he’d been sitting at. He didn’t like busy places either. Lucile was sure of it.</p><p>Lucile traced the side of his straw that Miran had bitten first. It was smooth on this fresh straw - he didn’t want to ruin his other one so soon by using it on a drink - and it was a bit of a challenge finding the exact right angle to bite it at to leave similar marks. They weren’t the same, though. Their teeth were a little differently sized. Miran’s canines were a bit sharper from the looks of it. He only took a sip when he was finished tracing the straw to his heart’s content.</p><p>It was sweet. But a little bitter, too. Lucile wasn’t in the habit of drinking coffee regularly, but this shop seemed to make it fairly strong. So the sweetness mostly just balanced out the bitter, except for when he accidentally got a mouthful of the cold caramel. Maybe it’d blend better if he’d ordered a hot drink. But Miran ordered cold ones, so he’d rather drink this, even if it was probably better hot.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He felt eyes.</p><p>Lucile looked up.</p><p>“…Luke Stokkart… Hello.”</p><p>“Good morning,” Luke said. He didn’t sound all too pleased. “I see you’ve ordered a caramel iced coffee.”</p><p>“I have.”</p><p>Luke forced a smile. “Well… I guess you’ve left the house, at least.”</p><p>“Hm. Have you been watching me, too?”</p><p>“It’s company policy. Also, my boss recommended that I looked deeper into your behavior. He got curious about all my sneaking around, which led to a conversation on you to determine the risks associated with this job.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Don’t worry. We came to an… agreement, of sorts. I’ll keep doing odd jobs for you until Milk’s tuition is paid.”</p><p>“And what if I find something else to buy her after that?”</p><p>“…Such as?”</p><p>“Does she have a car?”</p><p>Luke’s expression melted. He really was just a doting father.</p><p>“Haha. I thought so. You came here to work, right?” Lucile asked and stood. “I’ll let you do that, then.”</p><p>“Y-yes. I’ll come visit once I’ve obtained the recording you asked for.”</p><p>“I’ll look forward to it. By the way… I’d really like his full schedule, too. When he wakes up, goes to sleep, goes to work, comes home…”</p><p>Luke grimaced. But he forced his face into neutrality and nodded regardless. “Will do.”</p>
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</div>Luke’s next envelope took a week and a half. But he still managed to get everything Lucile asked for, then handed it to him in person, as agreed.<p>When he opened the envelope to confirm its contents, two things stood out - a CD with a simple label, <i>For Lucile Eris, 08/26</i>,  and a printed spreadsheet labelled with the days of the week and times of day.</p><p>Perfect.</p><p>Lucile paid Luke, then took the items to his room for closer examination.</p><p>He looked at the spreadsheet first. It looked like Miran followed a rather rigid schedule. He woke up at five in the morning on weekdays, and turned off the lights between 11:00 and midnight most nights. Last Thursday he didn’t turn out the lights until 2:03 am, but still got up at 5:00 sharp. He slept a little longer on the weekends. He turned out the lights at 9:14 pm on Friday night and woke up at 7:37 am on Saturday. </p><p>Miran typically left work rather late, too. He always worked past six, usually past seven. Lucile smiled. He could certainly respect that kind of work ethic.</p><p>Luke included a page of commentary along with the schedule.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Monday: Left for work twenty minutes earlier than other days in the week. I assume the purpose of this behavior is to get work for the week sorted out and in order at home. He appears to be a rather methodical person.</p>
  <p>Tuesday: Bought groceries after work. He appears to eat a fairly healthy diet with little, if any junk food - most of what was purchased was coffee, vegetables, and meats. Was distracted for a moment leaving the grocery store due to the pet shop next door. A large puppy in the window caught his attention for two minutes and fifty-three seconds. He did not go inside.</p>
  <p>Wednesday: Wandered around a bit after work before heading home. Went in a drug store, then a bakery, then a clothing store. Did not buy anything in any of them. Took the long way back. It usually takes about fifteen minutes for him to get home from work, but on this one day it took forty-five.</p>
  <p>Thursday: Stayed up later than usual. I didn’t see any flashing lights like one might expect if the subject is watching television. He went through the whole house turning lights on and off starting at midnight and ending before 1:00. Either he lost something or had an inclination that he was being watched.</p>
  <p>Friday: Went to the grocery store, buying about the same things as on Tuesday. Did not loiter. Went to sleep early.</p>
  <p>Saturday: Did not leave his house.</p>
  <p>Sunday: Did not leave his house.</p>
  <p>From what I have observed on other occasions, this past week was very characteristic of him with the exception of the wandering on Wednesday.</p>
</blockquote><p>…So Luke thought Miran was getting suspicious, did he.</p><p>Interesting. Lucile had to wonder if Luke was a poor investigator or if Miran was particularly observant. Then again, anyone might notice if an investigator tailed them for the better part of a month. There were only so many places to hide. So instead of being observant… if it took Miran that long, he was probably rather unobservant… or Luke was exceptionally skilled. Maybe both.</p><p>Maybe it was best to wait his suspicion out?</p><p>No… actually, it was interesting to see how he reacted to it. Yes. This was fun. So he checked his house over, did he? Was he thinking there might be a squatter or a particularly bold stalker searching his home?</p><p>His home… now that he thought of it, Lucile was indeed curious about what it might be like inside. Miran looked like a neat person. He was very particular about his appearance. So it wouldn’t be surprising if he was particular about his home, too. But surprises might be the most fun part about this. Like how surprising it was to hear that he was distracted by a cute dog.</p><p>(Luke had enclosed a rather poor picture of Miran looking down at the dog in the envelope, too. Just about all that Lucile could tell from the angle was that it was black and was a rather large breed. Apparently it was getting harder for Luke to take pictures safely now. A shame.)</p><p>Lucile did want to see Miran’s home. And he wanted to see how Miran acted in private.</p><p>That led him to the conclusion every stalker reached at some point: he wanted cameras.</p><p>Lucile had to consider if Luke would do it, though. Breaking and entering was certainly a crime, but he knew Miran’s schedule now. And there were so many interesting things he could get from inside his home.</p><p>For example… Lucile would pay good money for his used toothbrush. He’d like two, if possible. One for personal use and one to send off for genetic testing, just so he could know something about Miran a little deeper than what was on the surface. He wasn’t sure which of the two requests Luke was more likely to fulfill without complaining.</p><p>Toothbrushes weren’t the only things he wanted. Used socks, underwear… tissues. Yes, tissues would be ideal. Men needed periodic release. There were almost certainly used tissues somewhere, and Miran would miss them a lot less than he might miss a pair of socks or a toothbrush.</p><p>…No, it was best to not get too ahead of himself.</p><p>Luke had dropped the envelope off before he headed to work, saying that he’d come back later to hear Lucile’s next requests. So Lucile had quite a few hours to iron out the details. And listen to the CD.</p><p>Lucile took a few minutes to get everything in place, then played the single file on the CD.</p><p>It wasn’t the best quality. It had a lot of background noise, and he was sort of mumbling. Unfortunately, his deep voice didn’t capture well on top of a lot of the other noises. But it was certainly the same voice that Lucile remembered, despite the quality.</p><p>He could make out a few words that made him certain that the conversation was related to work. Occasionally he heard another voice, too. But they were even less clear than Miran.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile would ask for a repeat of this job. If Luke went into his house, then placing bugs would be rather simple. In particular, Lucile was interested in listening to what he might sound like in the bedroom… </p><p>Despite his complaints, Lucile listened to the thirty-one second track on loop as he waited for Luke. He listened four times before the urge to touch himself to the sound of Miran’s low, somewhat rambly voice overtook him.</p><p>“Mm… mmm…” </p><p>He was a little sore lately. Because he had so much to do this with. He couldn’t imagine how sore someone who had the opportunity to view Miran firsthand like Luke might get. All Lucile had was blurry pictures, after all. The clearest one he had was still from quite a distance and had Miran looking away from the camera. He wanted more.</p><p>Hours passed of the same unfocused admiration that Lucile was getting so used to spending his time with lately. Then he heard a knock at his door.</p><p>“That guy’s back again,” Ferris said.</p><p>“Mm. Thanks for telling me.” Lucile stood and stretched. As usual, he waited for Ferris to leave before opening the door. The last thing he wanted was for her to smell sex in his room, even if it was just him and some pictures of another man. </p><p>Lucile went straight downstairs and out to see Luke.</p><p>Luke was starting to look a little tired. But he was more comfortable sitting among the Eris family garden’s flowers than he was on his first visit, and he folded his empty hands in his lap as he waited. He smiled up at Lucile as he approached, kind as always, despite the disgust that he almost certainly felt when they met eyes.</p><p>“Good evening,” Luke said.</p><p>“Good evening. I have another job for you…”</p><p>Luke nodded.</p><p>“I don’t think it’ll be hard, but you’ll need to buy some equipment for it.”</p><p>Luke instantly paled. It was like… a part of him had been expecting to hear that, but desperately hoping that he wouldn’t, at least not today. “Let me guess. Cameras and microphones?”</p><p>“Yes, exactly. You probably know the market a lot better than I do. I’ll pay for whatever you need for the job.”</p><p>“…How many and where do you want them placed?”</p><p>“Haha. I guess you came mentally prepared this time.”</p><p>“I did. I do feel sorry for the subject, but…”</p><p>“But you value your daughter’s schooling more,” Lucile finished.</p><p>Luke nodded. “Is that all?”</p><p>“No. I also have a few items I’d like you to take from his home while you’re setting up the cameras.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“I’d like his toothbrush. You can postpone this for another visit if you’d like, since you might want to replace the toothbrush he does have with an identical one so that he doesn’t realize anything has changed. I’d also like a pair of socks… and a used tissue.”</p><p>“I… assume you don’t mean one that was sneezed into?”</p><p>“I would take one of those, too, if you find one. But my intention is to obtain one with semen.”</p><p>Luke bit back a sigh. “I know it’s a little late to still be saying this, but I was serious before. You’re the same age as him. You’re more than a little attractive, and I don’t mean that as a come-on - it’s a fact and you know it. You don’t smell offensive or stutter or any of the usual things that make people give up before they try. There is nothing openly offensive about you except for the fact that you’re stalking him.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>Luke continued, more gentle this time. “Why exactly are you so opposed to just talking to him yourself? You could very well hit it off and be able to get these things yourself without paying anything.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter if it costs me money or not,” Lucile said. “I have more than anyone needs. Your salary is a drop in the jar to me.”</p><p>“But you could be having real conversations with him. You could be making him happy instead of stalking and scaring him.”</p><p>“…Scaring him?” Lucile repeated. “No… that’s fine. You’re mistaken. I don’t think I could make him happy. If he’s scared now, then he’d be scared even if I talked to him normally. Haha.”</p><p>Luke didn’t look very impressed. “You can’t say that for sure. People have all sorts of reasons to feel the way they do. Just because you don’t get along with your sisters doesn’t mean you can’t get along with others.”</p><p>“Hm. You’re telling me that you really think that I, a ‘stalker,’ would be better off doing it myself than with a professional who’s far less likely to be caught and cause distress?”</p><p>Luke furrowed his eyebrows. “No, I… sorry. I don’t know what you’ve been through that made you want to do this. But I don’t think you should do it forever. That’s all. Why him, anyway? I’ve been observing him for a while now. Nothing about him particularly stands out, aside from the fact that he’s fairly attractive, I suppose.”</p><p>“…Does it really matter?” Lucile asked. “I don’t have a reason that’d make it easier for you to do. The only thing I have is money.”</p><p>Luke suddenly looked up. “You’re lying.”</p><p>“Am I?”</p><p>“You are.”</p><p>“Haha. Well, tell me what cameras and microphones you’d like. I want one of each placed in his bedroom, one of each in the kitchen, in the shower, and if he has a study, I want surveillance there as well.”</p><p>“Understood.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Miran had a headache more often than not lately.<p>He wasn’t sure if he was being paranoid or forgetful, so he started taking pictures of things. He took a picture of the scenery just outside of his work daily - subtly, of course, so that nobody noticed. He took a picture of the view of the opposing street from his house, too. Then he compared them to pictures from the past few days.</p><p>“……”</p><p>From what he could see, he was just being paranoid. Perhaps it was just a side-effect from his poor sleep lately. Yes, he’d been staying up quite late working on projects for Sion and neglecting sleep… He would try to sleep more, and see if the feeling of unease vanished.</p><p>That seemed to remedy it for a couple weeks. It was long enough that he began to think his mind was the only culprit. But then he began to feel that something was off again.</p><p>He could have sworn that his toothbrush’s handle had been purple, but when he came back from work it was blue. He took a picture.</p><p>When he did laundry, he couldn’t find everything that he’d worn over the past week. He had never been the type to lose things, so it was awfully vexing. He searched the whole house, behind couches, in his office, under his bed. He couldn’t find the missing pair of socks.</p><p>Miran sighed.</p><p>He was usually quite against napping as a concept, but… lately, he felt that it would be to his advantage. The last thing he needed was to lose his sanity and miss time that could be spent working for Sion.</p><p>Though that was pretty much already happening.</p><p>Miran ran a hand through his hair, then stood, walked to the bathroom to observe himself in the mirror, and did it again. Yes, he did look tired. Awfully tired. Didn’t he have anything for times like this? A face mask? Lotion? Concealer? Anything to look more alert and avoid causing difficulties at work in the following days.</p><p>Then again, everyone always said that he looked dead no matter how much sleep he got… </p><p>He stepped away from the mirror, then returned to his computer to work. It was most likely just memories of times passed. It wasn’t as though he’d been traumatized or anything, but summer was always an annoying season. Summer breaks throughout his youth - the least preferable times of his life. Though even that trying time of year was coming to an end now… It was already September. If it didn’t feel so much like August, he might not be having these issues in the first place… </p><p>At times like this, he was better off putting his energy into work. So that was what he did. Eventually he was distracted enough by numbers that the sensation of being watched faded entirely.</p><p>It came back the next day when he came home from work, but he was able to will it away with distraction then, too. He was quite certain that it was his mind attempting to distract him, but he wouldn’t fall prey to it. He was far too determined to be a good worker for Sion to let every shred of baseless paranoia distract him.</p><p>It fell entirely to the back of his mind after a week, where it stayed under the surface. He had almost forgotten about it entirely by the time it came back to him. But just as it had the past several times, when it came back, it was difficult to stop thinking about again.</p><p>This time, Claugh was the reason it came back.</p><p>Claugh said something that reminded him of it in one of his usual attempts to distract the whole floor into whatever idle gossip he wanted to talk about for the day as he chatted too loud for anyone to ignore.</p><p>“…So you know Luke?” Claugh asked Calne. That wasn’t unusual in itself. Claugh talked about Luke about once a day. Sometimes twice.</p><p>“You won’t let me forget him,” Calne answered, preemptively tired of the topic.</p><p>“Can it, brat. Anyway, he’s been telling me about this crazy client he’s got lately. It’s real freak shit.”</p><p>Calne tilted his head, suddenly interested. “How so?”</p><p>“Like, he’s a private investigator, right? So he gets some people every now and then that ask them to stalk their ex or whatever. But this time he’s got someone asking him to stalk some guy he talked to once.”</p><p>“Seriously? Whoa, that’s so creepy!”</p><p>“Right? Anyway, so it started out with wanting to know his name and stuff, but Luke told me the other day that the freak asked him to put cameras inside the guy’s house.”</p><p>“No way!”</p><p>“Yeah. He said he didn’t do it, but <i>someone</i> will, y’know? Luke says the guy’s loaded. Like, multimillionaire loaded.”</p><p>“Whoa… think Luke could give me his number?” Calne asked in the cutesy way he often did when he wanted something. “I could really use some pocket change…”</p><p>“No one’s gonna hire you for that stuff, dumbass. You’d fuck their wife and leave before you remembered to put the cameras in.”</p><p>“Augh! You’re so mean! I’d never do something like that!”</p><p>Claugh laughed, then Calne followed, unable to stay mad when they were in the middle of one of their gossip sessions.</p><p>Their conversation left the subject and wandered to some other, equally unimportant topic. But Miran’s mind stayed focused on it.</p><p>So people really did ask for that sort of thing, did they? Truly, there was no limit to the perversions of the rich. He was not surprised in the slightest.</p><p>Even so, when he arrived home and closed his door behind himself… he felt like something was wrong.</p><p>He was no stranger to being watched. As necessary as it could be, he was not fond of the sensation. He was sure that it was some kind of physical exhaustion catching up to him… likely from his recent bout of insomnia… that forced rational thought out of his head, replacing it with old feelings and sensations that he could live without. He knew that was all it was… yet he could not shake the feeling off, no matter how hard he tried.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Lucile thought it was funny.<p>Luke would make faces, but he always did exactly as he was told.</p><p>He had to take care of his daughter. He had to do what was best for her, even if it wasn’t what was best for someone else. That’s why he did it.</p><p>Lucile could understand his logic, so he knew exactly how to get what he wanted. In that way, they were pretty compatible as far as partners in crime went. All he had to do was think about what he would’ve needed to say to his twelve year old self to help Ferris out, and if he said it to Luke, he’d get whatever he wanted.<br/>
It took some time for the cameras and microphones to arrive. Not only were they special order, but Luke had insisted on ordering them a particular way to reduce the likelihood of them being tracked, which made the whole thing take a lot longer than necessary.</p><p>Luke probably did that on purpose to give himself a bit of a break. But when they all arrived, Luke had no choice but to install them. He collected them from Lucile, then told him he’d have to wait until the perfect time to put them in.</p><p>Thankfully, Miran’s schedule was fairly predictable. So the ‘perfect timing’ came fairly often.</p><p>Luke had the cameras and microphones installed by the end of the week, and set something up on Lucile’s phone to get the feeds sent directly to him. Lucile could see Miran every single day when he came home, and watch him until he went to sleep. Well, not every room had a camera, so he couldn’t see everything Miran did. But he still got most of what he did.</p><p>Luke came straight to Lucile’s from Miran’s house, a manila envelope filled with presents tucked under his arm. Lucile decided to wait until Miran slept to open it, though. Since Luke came late in the day and Miran was expected to be home shortly. He’d hate to miss seeing him come home.</p><p>There wasn’t a camera for the front door, so he couldn’t see the face Miran made as he stepped inside of the house. But he came into the kitchen soon after to get a glass of water.</p><p>Excitement filled Lucile’s chest.</p><p>Miran… It really was him. He looked tired from being out in Roland’s heat, but he didn’t let it distract him. He wasn’t the type to stand around and zone off.</p><p>Lucile watched Miran nonstop on the first day he came home to cameras. They were one-way - no matter how loud he was, Miran wouldn’t hear him. So he could make all the noise he wanted as he watched Miran strip his work clothes and take a shower. ‘Toned’ would be a bit too nice to describe Miran’s bare body. Lucile didn’t think he ever exercised. He was thin more than anything. But when it came to being built… he was quite fortunate in other ways.</p><p>Luke had (reluctantly) recommended that Lucile buy the more expensive cameras for a better image quality, and Lucile was very pleased that he’d done so. They had excellent quality and a stellar zoom function. He could see the little bubbles on Miran’s skin as he lathered soap on his arms. He could see the chip in his nail polish that Miran sighed at, likely making a mental note to get them fixed later. </p><p>Miran cleaned himself without touching any more than necessary. It looked like he took rather hot showers - the steam was the biggest obstacle to visibility, and Miran’s skin flushed from the heat in a way that didn’t look refreshing. It would probably be a little more than  uncomfortable to make it any hotter than that. He watched as Miran left the shower, dried himself, changed clothes, and blow dried his hair. Though the angle was poor for watching him blow dry. A shame.</p><p>As much as Lucile wanted to be able to see him no matter where he went, it just wasn’t feasible. The cameras were extraordinarily small considering their image quality, yes. But it was still possible to find them. Luke said that they were a careful purchase that no one would be able to track to him, but he couldn’t promise that no one would ever figure out what account the videos were sending their feed to if they found the cameras and examined them carefully. He said that anyone exceptionally interested in technology, or otherwise police officers, could potentially trace the path they sent their data through if they found them.</p><p>Basically, it was a dangerous game. But Lucile didn’t think that Miran would report anything even if he found them. No… he’d learned a lot about him over the past couple months, after all. </p><p>Miran was not the type to part from his routine for long. He might act differently for one day, but he soon convinced himself that it was nothing and proceeded to act exactly as normal. It’d get him in trouble someday. Well, it was getting him in trouble now, Lucile supposed. It depended on one’s definition of the word.</p><p>Miran went to his home office when he was done showering to continue working, despite having only just gotten home. He didn’t snack at his desk. When he ate, he did so in the kitchen. Then he cleaned immediately after. He was tidy, just as expected. And healthy - the polar opposite of Ferris. Honestly, it didn’t look like Miran enjoyed food much in general. Lucile didn’t either. </p><p>Miran continued to work until he got up to brush his teeth and go to sleep. Workaholic indeed.</p><p>Lucile waited for a while even once Miran was in bed. The microphones were entirely separate from the video cameras to maximize quality, so even if Miran wasn’t moving, there was a lot to listen to. He could even hear Miran’s breathing as he attempted to fall asleep. It was nice. It was getting late, of course… and Lucile was beginning to get tired, too. The sound of Miran’s breaths becoming longer and deeper was almost enough to lull him to sleep. Almost enough to feel like he was there too.</p><p>But he wasn’t.</p><p>Lucile looked up from his screen.</p><p>He was in the same room he was always in. It was a bland room entirely lacking in personality, save for his bookcase, which had poetry anthologies, books on growth and development, and copies of historical documents. He used to be a little more interested in them, back when he’d read them with Ferris, or taught her about their subjects. But that was a long time ago. Nowadays they were covered with dust. Because he didn’t want to read with Ferris anymore. Doing so would just… no, he didn’t even want to think of it. </p><p>Aside from the books, he had his… collection. Dozens of pictures, hair, a straw, a CD. Miran’s schedule and identifying info. He kept them all on his desk when he was using them, but when he went to get more, he lined them up inside of his desk drawer. Soon they’d be joined by the contents of the manilla folder at his side.</p><p>Lucile set his phone aside to open the folder.</p><p>Luke brought him everything he asked for, just like always. Socks in a gallon bag. A toothbrush covered with plastic wrap. A variety of tissues. Luke also included a short letter. - <i>I did not confirm the presence or nature of any substances on the tissues. They were gathered from a trash can in his bedroom.</i></p><p>Good. Good… </p><p>He felt the same excitement inside as always as he set the items before himself to debate which to open and taint first.</p><p>He ended up settling on the socks. Because they looked warm and he wanted to see how different they looked on himself.</p><p>Quite large, it turned out. Miran was tall. So it was only natural that he wore some size or other of men’s socks. Lucile fit most comfortably in women’s.</p><p>His body was strange. Why could he not smile honestly when Iris did something well, but felt aroused when wearing the stolen socks of a man he’d spoken to for less than five minutes? Why did he get such pleasure out of examining the way he crumpled up his used tissues? Why was the thought of identifying the fluids inside them so exciting?</p><p>Judging by the lack of smell, three of the four were from sneezes or runny noses. The last one… was something else entirely. But it was old. Dry.</p><p>Lucile touched it with his tongue carefully, so as to not ruin the tissue’s shape. It went straight to his groin. But he still longed for something fresh.</p><p>Lucile didn’t think Luke would get him a fresh sample. It would be difficult, that was for sure. He’d have to hide in Miran’s house, wait for him to masterbate, and then fetch the tissue and get it to Lucile quickly. In fact… it would be a lot easier if Luke had sex with Miran. No, if he blew him. Then he could at least spit the semen into an oral syringe for Lucile’s personal use… </p><p>…He didn’t think Luke would accept that job.</p><p>Lucile had paid for the last of Milk’s college for this past delivery of goods and camera placements. Of course he could easily offer to buy Milk a car, but many colleges didn’t let those living in dorms keep a car,  and Luke had already said that Milk wanted to live in the dorm. So that probably wouldn’t be enough to motivate Luke to sell himself for Lucile’s benefit.</p><p>He’d have to offer a car or house for when Milk graduated. But even if he offered, Luke might refuse the job. He probably wanted to wash his hands of the affair now that it was involving him in clearly illegal activity… </p><p>Lucile carefully unwrapped the toothbrush as he considered his options. It had a vague minty smell… and beneath that… something a little different. It wasn’t all that different from his own mouth’s smell, no. But it was Miran’s.</p><p>Lucile gingerly touched it to his tongue, moving it just so. It was a different brand from what he used for himself, and it felt a bit strange without any toothpaste at all. It was Miran’s. Fairly clean. He probably changed them often.</p><p>It was good. He was painfully hard from all of it. And yet… </p><p>…He wanted something more. </p><p>More than the socks on his feet. The lock of hair around his finger. The tissue in his hand. The toothbrush in his mouth.</p><p>Was that asking too much? It probably was… </p><p>What was someone like him supposed to do? He found something to live for, but in the process, he ended up wanting it a little too much. Just like always. He always went mad with want the second he thought it was okay to want anything at all.</p><p>“……”</p><p>That iced coffee had been surprisingly tasty. Maybe he’d get it again.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Ferris heard Lucile’s door open. He was always quiet, but every now the floorboards creaked and she was reminded that he existed.<p>Then she heard him descend the stairs, and her pulse quickened.</p><p>This was it.</p><p>Lucile was going outside.</p><p>Ferris did her best to look like she was focusing on a novel as he passed. Then once he was outside, she watched him through the blinds until he left through the front gate. Then she hurried upstairs to his room.</p><p>Her brother was getting a lot of deliveries lately. They always came from the same man. So there were two possibilities.</p><p>1. Her brother was getting pornographic material delivered, as he had a niche fetish that he couldn’t satisfy with novels alone.</p><p>2. Her brother was a drug addict, and that man was his drug dealer.</p><p>The second option wasn’t all that likely. Her brother’s dealer had shown Ferris pictures of his daughter about five seconds into knowing her. She doubted that he’d expose his child to drugs. Then again, fathers could be awfully perverse… It was entirely possible that she’d need to go on a rescue mission for the poor girl stuck in the middle of all this.</p><p>At first Ferris thought it was strange that someone would come all the way here just to deliver something in person, but was sure that it was just a gangbang comic or something. But it just kept happening and happening. She could forgive whatever it was if it was just once. But how many times had it been now? She had to know, for the safety of the girls of the world if anything.</p><p>So she broke into her brother’s room, despite the dread welling up in her chest.</p><p>Well, he didn’t lock it, so maybe it wasn’t a real break-in. Doors in their house didn’t have locks. They never had and probably never would. So it was more like she opened the door quietly, then tip-toed in while he was out of the house.</p><p>Everything looked the same as it always had, to the point that it filled her stomach with… with something. What was it? She didn’t think it was good. It was like going back in time, except she was as tall as the fifth shelf when she stood against the bookcases. She used to only reach the fourth shelf.</p><p>Ferris skimmed the titles. None of the books seemed out of place. Perhaps he was keeping his porn elsewhere? If it were her… </p><p>She crouched down to check under his bed. No, nothing.</p><p>Where, then? His desk? She opened it up, not expecting to find much of anything. She jumped back when it was full of plastic bags.</p><p>For a second she was certain that her second theory was true, that her brother who always used to protect her was now hooked on drugs and that was why he always hid in his room and waited until she was gone to leave, and a horrible pit grew in her stomach. But then she focused and looked closer. The bags weren’t filled with powder.</p><p>“Th, this is…”</p><p>Socks. A toothbrush. A piece of hair. Three tissues in one bag. One in another.</p><p>And beside them… were pictures. She took them out, careful not to leave fingerprints on the faces of the images. The first one was a man she’d never seen before. So was the second. The third. The fourth. They were all the same man, who didn’t seem to notice that his picture was being taken in any of them.</p><p>She… she’d been expecting this. She always knew her brother was a pervert. Who wouldn’t notice? He just… looked at people funny, and… </p><p>She looked back to the… collection. There were a few notes, too.</p><p>A weekly schedule. A copy of an adoption certificate. Miran Froaude, it said.</p><p>She assumed that was the man in the pictures. She’d never heard of him before.</p><p>Ferris heard a noise downstairs and shoved the notes back into the desk, then closed up the drawer and bolted. It was only once she was outside of his room that she felt like her reaction was ridiculous. It was almost certainly just Iris down there.</p><p>Ferris glanced back in his room.</p><p>Lucile had left his phone charging on his bed. Unlike most people their age, Lucile hardly ever used technology. So it wasn’t particularly surprising that he’d leave his phone at home. He was probably just going somewhere to zone out anyway. He wouldn’t need it.</p><p>Should… should she check it?</p><p>She was sure that she’d see something just as bad as what she’d just witnessed, if not worse. Was she really prepared? Did she need to know that?</p><p>N-no… she couldn’t think like that. She had to stay strong. Be brave. He might have something even worse on his phone.</p><p>Ferris could take care of herself now. So could Iris. But what about all the other girls in the world? She had to protect them.</p><p>Ferris took a deep breath, then marched back in to check his phone. She entered her birthday when it prompted her for a passcode. It unlocked.</p><p>“……”</p><p>She didn’t feel good seeing that now. She almost wished it was the birthday on the adoption certificate instead. Because she didn’t want to think that there was another stash somewhere with <i>her</i> old socks and toothbrushes.</p><p>There was an unfamiliar app on his phone’s home screen. She clicked it despite the endless hole in her stomach. It took nearly a minute to load, then gave her several options.</p><p>Kitchen</p><p>Bathroom</p><p>Bedroom</p><p>Office</p><p>She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to know. But she clicked ‘kitchen’ anyway.</p><p>It loaded a picture. No… a number changed on the oven. It went from 6:20 to 6:21. It was a video. But it wasn’t the oven she was used to walking by every day.</p><p>Ferris sighed in relief. There were only four options. The bathroom wasn’t familiar, either. Neither was the bedroom.</p><p>She flinched when she clicked to see the video for the office. Because there was someone there. The same person in the pictures.</p><p>“H… hey!” Ferris said. But he didn’t move at all. He just continued to fiddle with something on his computer, a stack of number-laden papers beside him.</p><p>S-so it was a one-way video… a recording. She had no reason to be surprised at this point.</p><p>Ferris closed the app, then put Lucile’s phone back down where she found it.</p><p>She didn’t think that other guy knew. She didn’t think he had even the vaguest idea. This was the same kind of stalking she’d read about many times. It was usually a precurser to rape in books.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Did she care, though?</p><p>This was a man. An adult man. Lucile could probably win in a fight, but who was to say that this other man didn’t prey on girls instead of other adult men? She couldn’t find the same sympathy that she might be able to find for Lucile’s niche pornography dealer’s daughter if she was the one in danger.</p><p>Mm. It was settled. She’d forget what she saw.</p><p>But not before telling Ryner. She called him up at once.</p><p>“…Your brother’s doing <i>what?</i>”</p><p>“Sucking on someone’s used straw and wearing his dirty socks.”</p><p>“No, uh, I think the cameras are the bigger issue here? He would’ve had to break into his house to place them, right? That’s creepy as hell.”</p><p>“Are you shocked?” Ferris asked.</p><p>“…Honestly, no, not really.”</p><p>“Mm. Me neither.”</p><p>With that, Ryner began to complain about how he hasn’t been getting as much sleep as he’d like lately.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Into the Core</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m going to have to draw the line here.”</p><p>That was about what Lucile expected.</p><p>“I’m not going to be accepting any more money from you. I highly recommend that you put it towards professional help instead,” Luke said. He had a stern, fatherly look to his brow, despite only being a few years older than Lucile was.</p><p>“Haha. Therapy can’t cure me. You should know that by now…”</p><p>“Have you ever tried?”</p><p>Lucile ignored his question. If Luke knew how far it went, he’d agree that the best course of action would be to throw the whole thing away instead of trying to patch it up. “I thought you’d refuse. But it shouldn’t be too hard to find a sex worker who can accomplish it in your place…”</p><p>“Most would probably report you to the authorities instead.”</p><p>“Hm. Yeah, probably…”</p><p>Luke sighed. “I really don’t think that you’re as much of a lost cause as you seem to think you are. I think you’d have a chance with him if you just tried to talk to him.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“…And if you got rid of the cameras and toothbrush and such. That’s a pretty hard situation to talk yourself out of.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“You did say that you spoke with him once before,” Luke continued. “And you didn’t sound like you were lying at all. But I think there was a little more to it than you let on. As I see it, he must have done something that had a major impact on you. You weren’t sure how to deal with your feelings, so you’ve channeled them into stalking him instead of trying to talk to him again.”</p><p>“…What sort of impact are you thinking that he might have had on me?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“Knowing your habits and situation, along with the fact that your sister turned eighteen the day before you called me for the first time - don’t give me that look, she bragged about being an adult to me personally so I asked and she told me - I’d say you probably had planned on committing suicide then. But you spoke with Miran Froaude that day, which made you decide against it. Am I wrong?”</p><p>“…You’re very perceptive. I suppose that’s why you chose this line of work.”</p><p>Luke forced a smile. “ I gathered that the situation was something like that pretty early on. I figured harmless surveillance to entertain someone hanging around death’s door wasn’t too sinister. But it’s gone past that. If you want anything else, you’ll have to talk to him yourself. It’s not like you don’t know where to find him.”</p><p>Yes, that was true… </p><p>Talk to Miran, huh?</p><p>He <i>did</i> do it once before… </p><p>He had no doubt that Miran would recognize him to this day. Maybe it was presumptuous, but Lucile felt certain that the impact of their meeting was mutual. Miran’s life changed from it, too. But not in a good way. All it got him was cameras installed in his house.</p><p>If he thought about it logically, then yes, Luke was correct. If Luke was quitting, then approaching Miran personally would be Lucile’s best course of action.</p><p>“I’ll consider it,” Lucile said. “I never did get to thank him…”</p><p>Luke smiled. “I’m sure he’d be happy to hear that it meant a lot to you.”</p><p>Perhaps. But it was just as likely that he’d find it disturbing. Look where it led him, after all. As much as people said that love was a happy thing… love, affection, longing… Everything went sour if he let it sit. This was no exception. That was just the kind of person he was.</p><p>Not everyone was like him. Most people could fall in love in a normal way and link hearts with others in a way that could make them both happy. But he just couldn’t. The second he tried, it was already ruined. Pure things weren’t born from rot. The only things he could make were things that should’ve never existed in the first place.</p><p>What was someone like that supposed to do? Wasn’t it irresponsible to say that he ought to love just like anyone else, knowing that this was what happened when he did?</p><p>If he had been the type to accept that side of himself and give himself to it, then Ferris would have suffered much, much more than she had to.</p><p>But Miran wasn’t Ferris. He was… what? Even now, Lucile wasn’t sure what went on inside of his head. Because he only ever watched him from the outside. Still, if possible… he’d like to know what went on inside of his head, too. He wanted something more to go off of than the vague expressions the camera caught when he woke in the middle of the night.</p><p>How funny. Even now, that was what he ended up thinking about… </p><p>Lucile left the Eris property a few hours later, once a deep shade of blue had overtaken the evening sky. The sun had already hidden itself below the horizon, and one couldn’t see much of the stars from Reylude these days due to smog.</p><p>The train tracks at night had a certain draw to them, see.</p><p>Lucile had called a taxi to drop him off at the same place that started all of this - the nail salon a few miles north of Reylude Station. The last train of the night would pass soon. It was coming from Nelpha, so it’d be ten minutes late at the most. He still had the schedule and its habits memorized despite how little it’d meant to his life the past few months. Was it supposed to be meaningful to him? He didn’t know. His sense of what he was supposed to care about as a human being has never been tuned quite right, so maybe he’d never know.</p><p>Miran didn’t come out of the nail salon just as Lucile was dropped off like last time. That’d be too perfect.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He was on the wrong side of the street again.</p><p>Last time he meant to be on the side with the tracks. This time he meant to be on the side with the nail salon. But they always dropped him off on the wrong side. He knew they were taking the longest route to milk him for money so it was a coin toss that was how this always happened. Not that it mattered… </p><p>Lucile looked down at the tracks. It’d be easy to jump down into them from here. There was a little fence, but a three-foot tall fence was hardly enough to dissuade someone from crossing the River Styx. It was kind of charming, in a backwards sort of way. Why bother building such a short fence? It was such an ambiguous answer to the countless people who came here yearly wondering if it was okay to end their lives.</p><p>He heard the automatic door move on the other side of the street, then a few steps on the other side of the street. It was amazing what one could hear on an empty road on a night like that. There were no bugs here in the heart of industrial Reylude. They’d all flocked to the rich’s gardens. Here, the only sounds were his own heart and the faint motors of cars a few streets down.</p><p>To think his own heart could be so loud at a time like this. He was far outside of his house, and his sisters were nowhere to be seen. But it was beating. He was alive.</p><p>“…You again.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “I could say the same of you.”</p><p>“I suppose you really plan on jumping this time.”</p><p>“Quite the opposite. They dropped me off on the wrong side of the street again…”</p><p>“Were you planning on getting your nails done, then…? They’re closing…”</p><p>Lucile turned to face him. It had been months since they last saw each other face-to-face. He shouldn’t have known Miran’s face as well as he did. But he went mad with love the second he tasted it. So he knew exactly what Miran looked like, even before meeting his eyes. He knew what he left the house wearing and at what time, too. He knew how he bit his straws when he was anxious and how he filed his nails obsessively when he was thinking. He knew more than he should ever know. “Not quite. I wanted to talk to you one more time.”</p><p>“I see,” Miran said. He was quiet for a moment to process that, and the surprise on his face was charming. It was like he was flattered to be noticed in a place like this. “May I ask what for?”</p><p>Lucile took a few steps away from the tracks, but stopped when he reached the edge of the sidewalk. The road was all that stood between them now. But it was still a lot farther away from how they’d started. “It’s a bit late, but…”</p><p>A car passed.</p><p>“…I wanted to thank you. Because I’ve enjoyed the past four months a lot more than I enjoyed the past four years.”</p><p>Miran tilted his head, a bit confused. “That hardly has anything to do with me.”</p><p>“Haha. You couldn’t be more wrong,” Lucile said. He could hear the fondness in his own voice. How long had it been since he could talk like this to anyone but his sisters? Maybe never. Maybe this was the first time. His world had been too small for anyone else… But when his circles collapsed into spirals and made their way here, he got to enjoy something without holding himself back. That was precious to him, no matter how gross it was to everyone else. </p><p>“It was a complete coincidence that I came out when I did. It would have been someone else if not me.”</p><p>“But it was you. Miran Froaude,” Lucile said. “I couldn’t help but look into you a bit afterwards. According to your adoption certificate, you were born December 26th in the same year I was born, adopted five years and seven months later. You get up at five in the morning every day but typically don’t sleep until it’s nearing midnight. You like iced coffee with caramel and bite your straw a little when you’re anxious. Though I don’t know that you’re aware of that last part?”</p><p>“……” </p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>Miran’s face twitched, but he did his best to keep the shock in his expression to a minimum. He did an admirable job, considering the circumstances. “I think you have odd hobbies…”</p><p>“Mm. I’ve been told. I figured I’d have to tell you if I ever spoke to you again, though… Oh, the train’s coming.”</p><p>They stared at each other from across the street as the train passed behind them. Miran looked pretty bothered at first, under his calm facade. But he came to peace with it in the minute it took for the train to pass.</p><p>“So you have been following me,” Miran said when it was gone.</p><p>“Not exactly. I hired someone to tell me about you.”</p><p>“Why, if I may ask?”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “I’ve been told that I’m an intense person.”</p><p>“Yes, that seems to be the case.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Seems as you know a great deal about me, but… Who might you be?” Miran asked.</p><p>“Lucile,” he said. Then, belatedly, “Eris.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“And I had someone put cameras in your house. Because I wanted to look at you… It’s fun. I haven’t enjoyed anything for a long time now. But I enjoy watching you quite a lot.”</p><p>“So your logical conclusion was to install cameras within my home.”</p><p>“Yes. Haha. Sorry I didn’t ask. I just find you so fun to watch…”</p><p>“…What made you decide to come clean, then? Did you run out of money to pay your hired hand?” Miran asked.</p><p>“Run of out of money…? Haha. The Eris family will never run out of money. No, he refused to continue to work with me, and wished me luck in talking to you myself.”</p><p>“Talking, you say.” Miran’s tone had changed. If Lucile had to guess, he’d say it was the money that was making him think about this past the initial disgust of meeting a stalker. How funny. So that was the type of person Miran was. How funny… </p><p>“Yes. Talking. You haven’t eaten, so would you like dinner?” Lucile asked. “I’ll pay.”</p><p>“You have really been watching, haven’t you.”</p><p>“I have.”</p><p>“For four months, you said.”</p><p>“The cameras have only been since three weeks ago.”</p><p>“I see. And you came to see me because your next request was denied.”</p><p>“Yes. My private investigator refused to get fresh semen. I had wanted some in an oral syringe…”</p><p>“For… simulating intercourse?”</p><p>Lucile nodded.</p><p>Miran looked quite disturbed. Maybe that was normal. Still, he forced his expression into something calm once more. He seemed to value appearances. It was charming, as were most things about him. “I see. That makes sense. I suppose a stalker would be most interested in the sexual aspect.”</p><p>Lucile just smiled. There was no point in denying it. He knew that he was disgusting. Anyone would be disgusted. </p><p>“Why, then, have you bothered to confess this all to me? You must realize that I would have been many times more likely to sleep with you if you simply went through the motions while keeping your mouth shut.”</p><p>“Yes. But it would be awfully fake. I’d rather you know the truth before you say anything. Nobody likes signing a contract they can’t read the fine text of… and I find your disgusted face charming, too.”</p><p>“…You are a surprisingly honest person. Very well. Dinner, you said? Fine. I’m rather curious to hear the extent of this.”</p>
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</div>This was not how Miran had expected his day to go. Not at all.<p>He had expected to get his nails done, as they’d fallen into disarray incurable by mere filling, and then return home to finish writing the week’s status report in a timely manner. But that’s not what happened. Not at all. He did get his nails done. But after that… </p><p>He was currently sitting across from a man who he’d inadvertently saved the life of several months ago. Said man claimed that he had gone on to stalk him as a result, then offered to take him out for dinner. Miran accepted, so Lucile took him to a five-star establishment and slipped the front desk more cash than necessary to get around the need for a reservation.</p><p>If Lucile was trying to prove that he was disgustingly rich, then he was doing a good job of it. The cheapest appetizer cost Miran’s hourly salary. And he was not cheap.</p><p>“Order however much you’d like,” Lucile said. He was still smiling. He had not stopped smiling since they first met eyes. But it wasn’t due to the happiness of speaking to his object of affection. No… it completely lacked sincerity. To the point where it was unnerving even to Miran.</p><p>“……”</p><p>That aside, Lucile had to be aware of what he was doing. As much as he said that he had to confess to have something ‘real,’ paying for lavish dinners on their first real meeting was not something that would end in a ‘real’ connection. It’d net him gold-digger after gold-digger. Not that Miran was complaining.</p><p>He did as Lucile said, ordering several expensive appetizers just to be mean. But instead of looking annoyed, Lucile looked rather satisfied.</p><p>“Do you like seafood?” Lucile asked. Seems as the more expensive appetizers were high-class oysters and lobster, all of which Miran had ordered, it was a reasonable assumption as well as a true one.</p><p>“I suppose.”</p><p>“Reylude is landlocked in the center of the country, so I guess it wouldn’t have as much seafood as Ackmel near the east coast…”</p><p>“Yes, there tends to be more there…”</p><p>“I own land on that side of the country. My sisters spend a few weeks every summer at a beach house over there.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>It was… vexing.</p><p>Lucile was very open with the fact that he was a stalker, and presented information that he would have never known otherwise as proof, such as casually commenting on where Miran had grown up.</p><p>To be frank, the thought of being watched by him was disgusting. That sort of overtly sexual, obsessive attraction… was disgusting.</p><p>But the way the dim light fell on Lucile’s hair. The way his dead eyes looked up at Miran with the full force of an obsession that never should have been born. His fingers, long and slender, rubbing against the sharp edge of his knife to test it curiously… They did not stop even when his skin broke and a bright bead of blood settled on his finger tip, then smeared into the blade. It was not enough to stop him from caressing the now blood-stained serration.</p><p>Miran gulped.</p><p>Lucile Eris was extremely attractive. He had thought so months ago, too. He had thought so every time he recalled him and searched the obituaries for a suicide, if only to learn his name posthumously, to validate that someone so beautiful had really lived. But here he was now. Still living. Kept alive only by the desire in his dead eyes.</p><p>He hated it.</p><p>Really, truly hated it.</p><p>“…You have access to the cameras on your phone, correct?” Miran asked.</p><p>Lucile nodded. He unlocked his phone, clicked something, then handed it over without hesitation.</p><p>It took a second to load, then Miran was greeted with a four-room menu. He pressed ‘bedroom’ first. It showed him a live feed of his bedroom, which he recognized as being placed on the edge of a blade of the ceiling fan that he never used.</p><p>In addition to the live feed, there were options at the top of the screen to switch to saved videos that had captured movement. He flipped through the video log. He couldn’t recall doing anything particularly shameful recently, but… it was asking too much of his human body to go for weeks without doing <i>anything.</i></p><p>“Be careful about the sound,” Lucile warned him. “It’s turned up. The cameras and microphones are the same brand so the investigator was able to wire them so it all came up together on there while maintaining a good quality.”</p><p>“…Noted.”</p><p>It looked like Lucile had three videos of Miran touching himself. They were marked as favorites. When Miran moved to the favorites folder to check, there were also twelve videos of him showering, three of him stretching, and ten of him getting dressed and undressed. There were also a few miscellaneous videos. Him eating. Drinking a glass of water. Playing with his hair as he worked. Examining his nails.</p><p>Miran only handed the phone back when their appetizers came. He had ruined his appetite enough already. “You do have sick hobbies.”</p><p>“I’m well aware,” Lucile said. He fiddled with his phone for a moment before setting it down on the table, then turned his attention to the food. “It looks good.”</p><p>“Did you just set your phone to record?”</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Despite telling me about this hobby of yours, you have no plans to stop.”</p><p>Lucile reached a hand across the table… and touched Miran’s cheek. His fingers were cold. Cold enough to make him shiver instinctively. No, maybe it was Lucile’s gaze that made him shiver… for he was staring so intently, more intently than anyone should ever look at Miran now that his father was dead. “Miran… have you never wanted to do this? You’ve never wanted someone so badly that you even crave the sound of them eating?”</p><p>“……”</p><p>Someone did come to mind.</p><p>But… Miran’s feelings for Sion were quite different from the uncouth obsession that Lucile was showing him now. Yes. They were… </p><p>“Haha. I thought so. You’re hardly better than I am…”</p><p>Lucile’s cold fingers brushed against his cheek. His nails didn’t dig. But they glided against his skin, making sure he knew that they were there, that Lucile could… </p><p>Lucile took his hand away. “Now, then. The food will get cold.”</p><p>Miran let out a breath he hadn’t meant to hold. He looked down at the food, then took a piece of lobster to try first, despite the knowledge that Lucile was recording the sound of him chewing, as well as whatever conversation they might have over the course of the meal.</p><p>“…Hm.”</p><p>“Do you like it?”</p><p>Miran nodded. It had been a while since he’d had such nice food, actually… since he didn’t go out to eat alone. Of course people did ask him on dates occasionally, both men and women. But they rarely paid for anything this expensive when they couldn’t be sure if he’d go home with them afterwards.</p><p>“Good,” Lucile said. He sounded very pleased. “Take your time.” He too took a piece of the appetizer, careful to take the portion next to what Miran had taken and touch the part that Miran’s fork had brushed to his tongue.</p><p>It was… undeniable. Lucile was mad with desire for him.</p><p>People like that were easy to use. If Miran were to bed him, he could undoubtedly get anything he wanted in return. He could get Lucile to donate to Sion’s company… Yes, if he would just use this for Sion… </p><p>Miran looked back up at his ‘date.’</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile… looked happy, actually. Happier than he had by the tracks. Not quite so dead. Though a little… nervous, almost?</p><p>Interesting. Though it did make sense. People were often nervous on dates with him. Lucile’s nervousness seemed to be a different kind, though. He moved away every time the waiter came to refill their drinks, and always either spoke too soon or too late after Miran. He was a poor conversationalist, more so than Miran himself. Socially weak. This was news to Miran, though it made sense considering that Lucile was made of intensities that weren’t suited to going out in public.</p><p>It struck him that despite the fact that Lucile knew lots about Miran, Miran knew very little about Lucile.</p><p>He knew Lucile’s name… or at least the name that he had introduced himself with. He knew that he had the money to take Miran out for a five-star meal on a whim. He knew that he was obsessive enough to have cameras placed, and that he had chosen to do that instead of approaching Miran again himself. He also knew that he had intended on committing suicide four months ago.</p><p>Why, though?</p><p>Perhaps he was simply aware of his own personal failings, and had been overtaken by them in a moment of weakness. Or perhaps it was well-planned and long awaited.</p><p>If Lucile was so inclined to obsession, then he should have had something other than Miran to obsess about. Perhaps his last affection had turned him down. Or perhaps it was something he hadn’t wanted to pursue… like Miran’s father’s affection might have been, if he had been the type to fret about morals… </p><p>“…Did you like someone before me?” Miran asked out of curiosity.</p><p>Lucile’s hand froze on his fork. His fingers turned white from pressure. Then he eased his grip carefully, as if trying to lessen the likelihood of Miran noticing. “Why do you ask?”</p><p>“It seems to me… that someone like you would be hard to bring to the verge of death. Why would you want to die when the fires of simple obsession can be fanned so quickly and keep you going for so long? It seems to me that you must have had an obsession of sorts before me as well…”</p><p>“And if I did…?”</p><p>“Then it must have been quite taboo,” Miran said. He placed another bit of lobster in his mouth, chewed for a moment, and swallowed. It really was delicious. “Enough that you’d rather die than confront it as you confronted me.”</p><p>“Do you just have experience on the topic?” Lucile asked. “Or do you just fancy yourself a detective?” The non-answer was clear as any confirmation.</p><p>“I am rather familiar with your type. Though one does tend to think of themself as sharp as well. It is human nature.”</p><p>“I see.” Lucile set his fork down. “I suppose that’s one way of looking at it, yes.”</p><p>Miran spent the remainder of the meal solidifying his impression of Lucile Eris.</p><p>They were similar in many ways. They shared opinions on many trivial matters and banal topics. They were also both rather goal driven. Lucile’s goals were typically more flippant than his, though. He wanted something that would satisfy himself, and something good for his sisters. That was all. He did not care much about the greater world which he so rarely faced. No, he was perfectly content to live within a cage of his own making. An odd thought.</p><p>As for their differences… Miran had been more sure of them in the first thirty minutes than the last. All he was certain of at this point was that Lucile was a sexual person. Miran was not.</p><p>But when it came down to necessity, then yes, Miran was the type to do what he felt was needed.</p><p>“Would you like to accompany me back…?”</p><p>Lucile’s mouth hung open for a brief moment as he considered Miran’s motives. Then he stood as well, still smiling with exceptional insincerity. “Of course.”</p><p>As expected. Miran’s motives did not matter when he offered the forbidden fruit to a man with an insatiable appetite. Lucile would not even open his eyes as he took it and sunk his teeth into it with a complete absence of hesitation. It could be the ugliest fruit in the world, and he would still eat it whole if it was what he craved.</p><p>Miran planned to sleep with Lucile. He was easily attractive enough for it to be doable, and even… well, not <i>unpleasant</i>, really, Lucile was in his twenties and quite eager… After that, Miran would use his phone to make sure that he removed all of the cameras and microphones. It wasn’t that they bothered him. They really didn’t. He just felt like it was the thing to do. It would be less suspicious in the end if he had Lucile take them away. It would make it appear that they were on equal ground.</p><p>Then he would ‘date’ Lucile. For his money.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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</div>It was strange actually being inside Miran’s house after all this time.<p>Lucile knew that he had an outdated view of many rooms - he didn’t have cameras in them all, and Luke hadn’t brought him updated pictures of the entire property, so the best he’d been able to find was an old ad online from before Miran bought it. Naturally, he’d updated the decor since then. So it was a lot simpler of a place in many ways than Lucile had expected. But in some it was more complex.</p><p>He did have a few pieces of art hanging, and the walls were painted in attractive shades. That alone gave it more life than the Eris estate’s empty gray walls.</p><p>Miran followed a few steps behind as Lucile toured the house. He felt the need to explain his choices in many aspects, which was rather charming. No, Miran, it did not really matter if the artwork was on the side of the room with the love seat or the side with the full couch. But Lucile didn’t interrupt to tell him that. He hoped the microphones picked it up. Nobody ever called Miran, so Lucile rarely got to hear him talk like this.</p><p>It was exciting. Too exciting. Lucile wasn’t made for this kind of direct stimulation. He knew that. Because he kept looking back at Miran and thinking about pushing him against the wall, undoing his pants to see the sizable cock he’d watched him stroke on camera. Or Miran could have his way with Lucile, if he so desired.</p><p>If there were people who didn’t think of such things, he envied them.</p><p>Lucile went into the bedroom last, Miran a couple steps behind him. Because he could feel the tension between them. This was where they were meant to end up.</p><p>And so they stood inside the bedroom that Lucile was so familiar with viewing from above. Miran had closed the door behind them. Not that privacy meant much of anything here.</p><p>Miran stepped closer first. He had clear intention in his eyes. Do something, they said. Anything. Just do <i>something.</i></p><p>Lucile closed the distance between them to place his hands on either side of Miran’s face, angling him down so he might reach. He almost did on his tip-toes. But Miran still had to crouch just so to kiss him properly.</p><p>It was his first kiss, softer than expected. He wondered if Miran could tell. He didn’t think so. Because he pushed Lucile onto the bed with little warning, pressing their bodies together… and soon abandoned kissing entirely, instead favoring grinding. It was near impossible to do both at once comfortably thanks to their height differences.</p><p>If Lucile were a more normal person… if he were capable of more human emotions. Then he would surely be red as could be as Miran rutted against him with a clear goal in mind. For all his watching, he never would have guessed that Miran knew what he was doing in the bedroom. Because Miran never went out either. He only went to work and never socialized. Where did he learn to do this? Did Lucile want to know?</p><p>No, that was a silly question. Of course he did. He wanted to know everything about Miran, no matter how ugly it might be.</p><p>Miran checked his expression to see how he was taking it, then moved to remove Lucile’s pants without a word. He looked him over in the dim room like it was routine, somehow. Like this was just something routine. “I do not have anything your size. I will need to top.”</p><p>“Okay,” Lucile said. He was sure not to hesitate. He didn’t think Miran noticed the effort he put into it.</p><p>Miran opened his bedside drawer. Lucile craned his neck to see inside, even though he could always check the cameras later. Miran pulled out… what was probably condoms and lube. It looked like he kept a few toys in there, too.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile hadn’t known about any of that. Even if they were there, Miran hadn’t used any of it in the past three weeks. He lay his head back down on the bed as Miran removed his pants, then straddled Lucile’s hips.</p><p>Miran handed him the lube. Lucile blinked. So Miran held up his hands.</p><p>“My nails would get in the way of preparing you. I recommend that you do it yourself.” </p><p>“…Alright…”</p><p>It was something that Lucile had never done before. But he was confident in his ability to fake proficiency in most things until he was successful. Miran didn’t give his efforts a second glance. He was focused on lubing the condom, which he’d already put on. Apparently he wasn’t much the type for foreplay. That was fine, though. It didn’t matter what other things might have felt good. Lucile wanted what Miran wanted more than anything.</p><p>Even if what Miran wanted was to stick something that was clearly too large to ever go inside of him in. He pushed his cock against Lucile, holding his hips in place with his hands.</p><p>Lucile inhaled sharply.</p><p>“…Relax,” Miran said. His deep voice had a special appeal to it when he spoke quietly like this. He continued to press in, enough to get a little of the head inside, then stopped abruptly. Like something just occurred to him. “Have you done this before?”</p><p>Lucile shook his head.</p><p>“I see. Well, it’s easiest if you relax…”</p><p>Yes, that was obvious. Exceptionally so. He tried to do as Miran said. But it was difficult, considering the situation.</p><p>After all… they were having sex. The thing he spent most of his life trying not to think about.</p><p>This was Miran. Miran Froaude. On top of him. In his room.</p><p>It smelled good. It smelled like sex, too. Sex. They were… this wasn’t… good, it <i>was</i> good, it wasn’t his imagination, it wasn’t his sister, he <i>wanted</i> this. It was just… He needed to keep his eyes open. This was Miran. He was himself. And Miran was… </p><p>“Relax,” Miran repeated.</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>…so <i>big.</i> </p><p>Miran waited a moment longer before pushing a bit deeper. Lucile couldn’t hold the whimper in his throat back a second longer. The sound made Miran stop once more.</p><p>“…Tell me when you are ready,” Miran said, a bit annoyed.</p><p>Lucile nodded. He balled the fabric of Miran’s shirt up in his hands as he took deep breaths to force himself to relax. “Mm. You can move.”</p><p>Miran did so. Slowly, so he didn’t undo the effort Lucile had just put into calming his body.</p><p>It was erotic in much the same way that sucking on Miran’s used straw was. He wasn’t sure that he could call it physically stimulating, though. Not really. It was mostly painful.</p><p>Until Miran’s tip brushed against something inside of him, that is. Lucile gasped.</p><p>“Relax,” Miran repeated.</p><p>That had to be his prostate. He’d never touched it himself. It wasn’t quite what he was expecting. The knowledge that it was Miran who was doing this to him was more exciting than the feeling of it being done. But it felt better the more he did it.</p><p>Did it feel good for him, too? Lucile forced his eyes to focus and looked up at Miran.</p><p>“…Mmm…”</p><p>The sight of him like this, beginning to sweat from the tension in his body… was more valuable than all of the items he’d collected in the past few months.</p><p>He was really here. In Miran’s bed, under him. Getting fucked by him.</p><p>“Mm, mm…”</p><p>It still hurt. But he cared less and less the more Miran rubbed against him. So much that he… </p><p>“…Mmm, mm… a, ah…”</p><p>Miran slowed at the change in Lucile’s moans. He felt his insides clench.</p><p>“I’m…”</p><p>Miran pressed his freshly manicured fingers to Lucile’s untouched cock, delicate, somehow out of place against Lucile’s skin. The faint touch was all he needed. He came against Miran’s black shirt.</p><p>They met eyes.</p><p>The attention was uncomfortable in many ways.</p><p>“It was… faster than expected,” Lucile admitted.</p><p>Miran tilted his head, a bit confused. “I was going quite slow…”</p><p>“No, I mean… that I could finish that fast.”</p><p>“Ah. Yes, that’s rather unusual.”</p><p>“…Have you… slept with many men?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“Not particularly, no.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>It was a half-answer. Lucile didn’t push it. But he <i>was</i> curious. He wanted to know everything about Miran, after all… The beautiful things and the ugly things. All of it. If he could, he’d devour him whole. No, he’d savor him. He’d eat a little every day, just a little, so that he could spend his whole life high off the taste of his flesh… </p><p>Miran pulled out. Lucile wished he hadn’t. Because it felt so empty without him, just like how things had always been. Would they do this again? Would they see each other after today? Well, Lucile would see Miran again. He wasn’t quite done seeing him yet. But would they talk…? </p><p>…He was getting ahead of himself. Miran hadn’t finished yet. Miran was looking at him expectantly.</p><p>“Is there something you want to say?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“…No… I only wondered if there might be something specific you still wanted to do…”</p><p>Lucile sat up. It wasn’t so bad until he moved. That was when he really knew that he’d be sore. He looked down at Miran’s cock. He was still hard. Waiting.</p><p>He was actually pretty considerate, wasn’t he? He didn’t have to ask. He could have just left and finished himself off in private.</p><p>“Would you finish like how I did for me?” Lucile asked. “On my shirt…”</p><p>“I suppose you want it as a souvenir.”</p><p>“You’d want it too, if you were me.”</p><p>Miran didn’t argue. He just removed the condom, then sat back across from Lucile. He placed a hand on himself, then looked at Lucile questioningly. To see if he might want to do it instead.</p><p>Lucile put his hand on Miran’s. Then Miran removed his own.</p><p>If his heart beat fast just seeing Miran, it felt like it’d explode doing something like this.</p><p>There was a voice in Lucile’s head that said there was a reason why this was happening. He was attractive. He knew that. But attractiveness alone wasn’t enough to make this happen. Miran wanted something from him, and if possible, Lucile would like to give it to him. Money meant nothing to him. Family connections meant nothing to him. Time meant nothing to him. But if they’d mean something to Miran…</p><p>Miran was fairly quiet, despite the hand touching him how Lucile tended to touch himself. He looked like he wanted to say something a few times, too, but was ultimately quiet until his breathing grew shallow.</p><p>He had been quiet while he took Lucile, too. Maybe he was hard to please.</p><p>Miran tugged on Lucile’s shirt as he finished to pull it closer so Lucile got what he wanted. It had been four days since Miran had last touched himself. Lucile knew because he watched him do it last time and the time before. An appropriately large amount of semen shot onto Lucile’s shirt.</p><p>“……”</p><p>“……”</p><p>Another silence fell between them. It was just such an unusual situation. There was hardly anything suitable to say about it. But Miran didn’t seem to like sitting in silence much, so just like before, he was the one to break it.</p><p>“Do you plan to go home like that?” Miran finally asked. “Or do you intend on borrowing a shirt from me?”</p><p>“I would very much like to use one of your shirts,” Lucile said.</p><p>“I surmised as much,” Miran said. He got up to find something for Lucile. It was like he wasn’t flustered in the slightest that he was walking around sweaty from sex. He had to be experienced.</p><p>Lucile looked down at his shirt. The cum hadn’t dried. He didn’t want to smear it or anything. If possible, he’d like to preserve the exact pattern that Miran finished in. So he resisted the urge to taste it.</p><p>He told Miran as much when he came back with a shirt that matched well enough with Lucile’s pants and shoes. Miran looked at him like he expected something, then when his expectations weren’t met, he wordlessly placed the folded shirt next to Lucile for him to change into when he was ready. Then he stared again for a moment. His eyes were rather cold. They always were. The feeling of them bearing into him was welcome, though. Lucile was sure his own gaze felt much the same.</p><p>“I will accompany you home,” Miran finally said.</p><p>“And why will you be doing that?”</p><p>“To return the favor.”</p><p>“…Ah. The cameras.”</p><p>“Yes. I will gather them all and return them to you. Of course, I will switch the monitoring to my phone instead of yours as well…”</p><p>“If I had known that you had the same hobbies as me, I might have approached you sooner,” Lucile said.</p><p>“You are mistaken. I will not get the same sexual thrill out of it that you do.”</p><p>“So you just want to make me uncomfortable.”</p><p>Miran smiled faintly. It came off as rather mean. But he looked like he was enjoying himself. “Yes.”</p><p>And so Miran set to gathering the cameras. Seeing the angle they watched him from on the video feed was sufficient to find most of the cameras, but Lucile helped grab a couple microphones. Luke had placed them carefully, certainly, but Lucile had listened to Miran enough that he knew the directions his voice came from in each room well enough to find the microphones rather quickly.</p><p>Once Miran had gathered everything and zipped it all inside a leather bag, Lucile took him home.</p><p>He was a bit sore. Quite sore, actually. But he tried to keep any odd posture to a minimum as he called a taxi and sat in the back with Miran. He’d had worse, after all. </p><p>Miran watched him carefully as he got in, talked about appropriate subjects that he must’ve been curious about once inside, such as if Lucile had any other hobbies, then watched Lucile again as he got up from the taxi he called to bring them back to the Eris estate. But his expression didn’t betray his expectations. If Lucile had to guess, though, he’d say that Miran had wanted him to be sore and limping, to teach him a lesson if anything.</p><p>Despite what Miran might say or do, Lucile was pretty sure that he only wanted money and to get even. That was fine, though. It was the better outcome of all the things that could have happened.</p><p>That was what Lucile thought until Miran stepped foot inside of his house and met eyes with Ferris, who was still awake for some godforsaken reason.</p><p>“Wh-wh-wh-wh!!”</p><p>Miran tilted his head at her loud and shocked stuttering paired with her completely blank expression. “Is it really so rare that you have visitors?”</p><p>“It is,” Lucile said. “Especially in the middle of the night.”</p><p>“It’s only just past midnight.”</p><p>“I don’t think this house has ever seen a visitor so late.”</p><p>“…I see,” Miran said.</p><p>Ferris seemed like she was going to let them ignore her at first. But then her stuttering changed gears, and she addressed Miran directly. “Y-you! <i>You!</i>”</p><p>“Me?” Miran asked, confused. “I apologize, but what exactly do you want…?”</p><p>“Th-the… c, c… augh, no, I can’t! I mustn’t!” With that, Ferris marched off towards her room, her face a brilliant shade of red.</p><p>Miran watched her go, still just as confused as he’d started.</p><p>If Lucile had to guess, he’d say that Ferris went snooping in his room when he went out to collect something from Luke. As irritating as it was, it could wait for later. “Just ignore her. She’s always been weird.”</p><p>“I suppose it runs in the family.”</p><p>“Haha. It does.” He tried to ignore the disgusting pride that blossomed in his chest at those words. It wasn’t the time for that.</p><p>With Ferris gone from the living room, Miran set about looking for somewhere to place the first camera.</p><p>“…Is it really necessary to have one here?” Lucile asked as he watched Miran eye corners in the kitchen. “I hardly ever leave my room. You’d just be watching my sisters here.”</p><p>Miran smiled. “Do you dislike the thought of that? I will be sure to have one here then. Perhaps in the bathrooms too.”</p><p>“Iris is really too young for that kind of joke.”</p><p>“How old is she?”</p><p>“Eleven.”</p><p>Miran grimaced. Thankfully, he dropped the idea of the girls’ bathroom. But he didn’t budge on the living room. “Does anyone ever use the fan in here?”</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>In the end, Miran set a camera and wiretap up on the bottom of a kitchen cabinet, just out of view. He set a wiretap behind an abstract painting Iris made that Ferris had framed (apparently it had something to do with dango), and a camera buried just enough to still be usable in the top cushions on a couch.</p><p>Then he followed Lucile to his room, where he set another camera and wiretap each up in his room and in his bathroom. Then he was satisfied and set to changing their paired phone to his own. It wasn’t long before his phone began to give him alerts for the current movement in Lucile’s bedroom.</p><p>“That was fast,” Lucile said.</p><p>“It is rather user friendly, as long as one minds the unique codes on each camera,” Miran said.</p><p>So Miran was good with technology… Well, it made sense. He worked with computers.</p><p>Miran looked back up at him now that the cameras and microphones were set to his satisfaction. Met his eyes. “Where are those items you mentioned?”</p><p>“…In my desk.”</p><p>Miran got up to get them without asking if it was alright. The desk didn’t have a lock, so he found everything with ease. He looked through the letters first, one after another, until he’d gone through all of Luke’s correspondences. Then he looked through the items Lucile had acquired.</p><p>He spent a little extra time on a few of them. The straw. The pictures.</p><p>“Are you going to take those with you?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“…No. No, I will leave them here,” Miran said. He turned back to meet Lucile’s eyes once more. “I am quite interested in seeing how you interact with them, after all…”</p><p>“Mm.”</p><p>Having done everything he set out to accomplish, Miran soon said goodbye and left. He did not kiss Lucile goodbye or ask for his contact information. No, he knew where to find him now… </p><p>It was… an odd feeling. Being watched.</p><p>Lucile was very used to being alone. He typically went many months between ventures outside. His world was very small… and very private. Now, though… it wasn’t private at all.</p><p>Was Miran watching him now, he wondered?</p><p>He wasn’t sure that he liked not knowing… or even if he liked the thought of Miran looking at him through those cameras. It would be unfair to cover them. This was punishment. He ought to take it until Miran was satisfied.</p><p>How long would that be…?</p><p>Lucile didn’t sleep that night. The sensation of being watched and the subsequent desire to not make any unnecessary movement was too distracting. He usually dug through the things Luke brought him at times like that, or watched Miran sleep for a while to relax. But he didn’t do either of those things. Not tonight.</p><p>He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the soreness that Miran had fucked into him. But his mind wouldn’t sit still. He thought of Ferris’ shock. She’d been snooping in the things he used to pleasure himself.</p><p>Ferris… </p><p>He opened his eyes.</p><p>He never did fall asleep.</p><p>The hours passed. Morning came and went.</p><p>Being watched wasn’t the difficult part. It was being left with his own mind.</p><p>Miran knowing, watching, made it more real. He wasn’t leaving his room and going somewhere else through imagining whatever Miran was doing now. He was staying in his room with the full knowledge that Miran was watching him there. He knew that Miran knew, not just about the cameras and such, but that he knew Lucile.</p><p>If he knew that much, it wouldn’t be a stretch to find out the rest. Any movement of his could give it away. And if that happened… </p><p>“……”</p><p>He hadn’t realized that coming clean would tear down the walls keeping him safe and isolated within his own mind. But now that he’d done it, it didn’t feel like his mind was private. It was the same feeling he got when he went outside. The same feeling he got when he met Ferris’ eyes.</p><p>Ferris… </p><p>Speaking of his little sister, it sounded like she was moving towards the kitchen. He had to go. If he didn’t… </p><p>Lucile forced himself up and followed her down. She’d think it was creepy. It kind of was. But if he had the choice between Ferris thinking that he was creepy and her not realizing that she was being watched and doing something that’d put her at risk in some way, he’d choose to let her think that he was creepy ten times out of ten.</p><p>He would have liked it if he only seemed creepy and wasn’t in reality. But those thoughts were so engraved into his mind that the sight of her set them racing through him, warming every inch of his body.</p><p>Her pretty hair seemed to sparkle in the light coming through the windows. She was especially beautiful this time of day. He thought that without thinking it. His mind was locked-in on the concept, and it’d occur to him even if he tried to avoid using words to describe it. The image of his hand in her golden hair still forced its way in.</p><p>But his hair was the same color. Why did his mind react to it on her, then?</p><p>He both loved and hated the sight of her. Because she was very, very beautiful. Because he loved her. Because he knew that she’d seen his impure thoughts on his face before and would see them again. Because her shirt showed her shoulders off, and her shorts didn’t cover much of her legs at all… </p><p>He smiled. She looked uneasy. She grabbed some water and moved to leave just as quick as she came, leaving Lucile alone in the kitchen.</p><p>That was good, though. That was what he wanted to happen. Although he’d meant to talk to her about her reaction to Miran and the likelihood of her snooping through his room, he didn’t want to do that with cameras rolling. With Miran watching. So he’d tell her off after all of this was settled.</p><p>He wanted to believe that he knew Miran at least well enough to know that Ferris would be fine.</p><p>But he really didn’t.</p><p>His infatuation was entirely based on surface measures - how handsome he was, how charming the little ways he gestured were, the way he spoke and how his voice sounded. Yes, they had spoken now. But not nearly enough for Lucile to know for sure what Miran might do with information on his sisters.</p><p>They were beautiful. He could do all sorts of things… </p><p>And Lucile could also— </p><p>He turned the faucet on and washed his hands in cold water, then his face. Then his hands again.</p><p>He needed to put some effort in, if he meant to protect his sisters through this. And he did. He was alive here and now, so he had to keep protecting them from a threat that wouldn’t have existed if he hadn’t been here. It didn’t matter if it was hard or painful. All that mattered was that they were safe.</p><p>He wasn’t sure what the exact chances of this or that happening to them were. He wasn’t sure what the most likely thing to hurt them was. But he knew which ones are the easiest for him to prevent. He couldn’t avoid Ferris and Iris like usual now, but he could still avoid the thought of them to the best of his ability.</p><p>Lucile turned off the faucet when his hands had dried out from soap enough to distract his mind. </p><p>Time was passing slowly, knowing that he had to be truly present to avoid the worst case scenarios. But he’d had long weeks before, as well as long year. His whole life had been long up until a few months ago. He dried the water off of his hands. The top layer of skin was dry enough to separate. It felt disgusting. But that was why it was such a good distraction. Using his hands was unpleasant as long as they were that dry.</p><p>He didn’t like Miran’s presence being here in this house. Miran was meant to be an escape from this place. Something completely unrelated to everything. Him having access to his life, to the sight of his sisters… </p><p>No. Lucile urged his mind to not think about that. What about the careful way Miran filed his nails? Yes, that was as fine of a topic as anything.</p><p>Miran didn’t belong here. He wasn’t an Eris.</p><p>But despite everything, Lucile was looking forward to seeing Miran again. Because at a time like this, even with Miran watching, the feeling of his hair circled around Lucile’s thumb was a good distraction.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. To Feign or Fain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Watching another man go about his life with the knowledge that he was being watched was actually quite entertaining.</p>
<p>Lucile was, unexpectedly, quite bothered by it. Miran could tell by the way he often looked back to the camera’s location, and how he frequently went down to the living room or kitchen if his sisters were there, almost as if to protect them from being heard. It did work. They quickly left when he entered. Often it took the girls several sneaky tries to get something to eat when they were hungry because of it. It was a few days before they gave up entirely and started bringing more food home to eat in their rooms instead.</p>
<p>As for the cameras in Lucile’s room and bathroom… </p>
<p>Lucile’s bathroom had separate rooms for the shower and toilet, and Miran had chosen to set it up viewing the shower. He was starting to think better of it, though. Lucile probably would have been more bothered by it being in with the toilet. Of course it was always possible that he’d just use the ones downstairs instead if it came to that, but he didn’t, for now. He just showered with his back to the camera.</p>
<p>They had already had sex, so really, the modesty was unnecessary. But watching it was interesting nonetheless.</p>
<p>Another interesting thing about Lucile’s habits was that… well, he didn’t leave the house much, as Miran expected. But he didn’t sleep either. He would lay down, eyes closed, but remain perfectly still. It wasn’t at all like someone who was truly sleeping. He never looked at the… <i>items</i> he’d gathered through stalking, either, other than removing the hair to wrap around his finger. Most likely he avoided the rest because he was conscious of being watched.</p>
<p>Obviously. Anyone would be distracted by the knowledge that his most private moments were being spied on.</p>
<p>It was four days before Lucile seemed to reach some kind of conclusion and left the house. He left the day after that, too, and the day after that. It took Miran a few days to realize where he was going.</p>
<p>Lucile was an obsessive person. He was not interested in much of anything but his obsessions. So it wasn’t particularly surprising when Miran looked back on the way to work and saw him in the coffee shop across the street, watching.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Miran checked the coffee shop window when he left that day, too. Lucile was there again.</p>
<p>It would be cowardice to leave after seeing him there not once but twice in one day. So Miran crossed the street and entered the coffee shop. Lucile followed him with his eyes the whole time.</p>
<p>“Fancy seeing you here,” Lucile said.</p>
<p>“Yes… how very unexpected.”</p>
<p>“Haha.”</p>
<p>Miran glanced down at Lucile’s drink. It appeared to be iced coffee. He could also make out the vague discoloration of caramel syrup on the side of the cup. It was the same thing he always ordered… </p>
<p>“Do you want one too?” Lucile asked. “I’ll pay.”</p>
<p>“…Why not.”</p>
<p>And so Lucile ordered him a coffee exactly how he liked it without needing to ask. And so Miran sat beside him in one of the seats facing the street.</p>
<p>In the past, when Miran came here and felt that something was distinctly off, he had hushed his own instincts and written himself off as incorrect. However, he was right all along - someone had been watching him. Now that Lucile was suffering the same affliction, Miran couldn’t help but feel that he himself had dealt with it significantly better, too.</p>
<p>Then again, that wasn’t particularly surprising. Lucile was weak. Perhaps not physically, but mentally… mentally, Miran was far stronger. That he was certain of. Because he did not need this type of obsession to live. His interest in Sion Astal was far more pure than… whatever this was.</p>
<p>“You look a bit short on sleep,” Miran commented.</p>
<p>“Do I?”</p>
<p>“You do.”</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>“Do you find it disagreeable?” Miran asked. “The cameras.”</p>
<p>Lucile didn’t answer. He just took a sip of his iced coffee, then glanced back at Miran’s. He hadn’t taken a sip yet. But he did now, since Lucile clearly wanted to watch.</p>
<p>Miran smiled.</p>
<p>The change in the cameras’ placement had altered things considerably. Miran had control here. Not Lucile. It was as invigorating as Lucile’s obsession was disgusting. He took a sip, watching Lucile’s eyes lap up the sight of him. Pandering was a skill of his, and Lucile was a good person to have around and use if this was all it took to charm him.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to stop?” Miran asked. “Watching you, I mean…”</p>
<p>“Rhetorical, right?”</p>
<p>“No, not at all.”</p>
<p>“Oh, so you want money.”</p>
<p>“Haha. You don’t have much faith in me,” Miran said. He was used to it.</p>
<p>Lucile’s eyebrows rose at the sound of his laughing. And then, oddly, his face reddened in a splotchy, unattractive way… A stark contrast from the unquestionable beauty in his facial structure.</p>
<p>What exactly… had set him off? Laughing? He was that weak to the sound of laughter?</p>
<p>Seconds passed like minutes as he waited it out. But the fact that it happened at all seemed to contribute to making it worse for Lucile, who for the first time, seemed somehow surprised.</p>
<p>“…Sorry. Continue,” Lucile said a few seconds later when his face returned to normal.</p>
<p>“Er… yes. Very well. I am enjoying the cameras quite a lot. I can see why you originally had them placed,” Miran said. “Though I cannot help but think… well, no. You are as good of a person to use them on as anything. Your family is quite historical, I notice. You would have been a duke in times passed… Impressive, is it not? And yet the title of duke suits you so little.”</p>
<p>“I suppose that’s true.”</p>
<p>Miran couldn’t help but smile. A duke! He could have had this power over a <i>duke</i> if only he were born in another time. Yet now Lucile was distraught and poorly adjusted at best. Though he doubted the title of duke was enough to fix that kind of issue… No, Lucile’s problems ran a bit deeper than if others acknowledged him as noble or not, didn’t they.</p>
<p>“It has only been a week,” Miran said.</p>
<p>“It has.”</p>
<p>“You had mine up for three weeks.” Though those three weeks were not Miran’s first stint in being watched; really, he was quite used to it by now. Perhaps that was why Lucile was fairing so much worse.</p>
<p>“I did.” At least Lucile admitted to his guilt openly, though without remorse.</p>
<p>“I will do the same. Then once that time is over, I will come to see you again.”</p>
<p>“See you then,” Lucile said.</p>
<p>“Will you come here again?” Miran asked.</p>
<p>Lucile took the final sip from his coffee, then set it back down. “Perhaps.” He glanced over to Miran’s drink, which was also nearly finished.</p>
<p>Miran finished it for his viewing pleasure. And when he was done…</p>
<p>“Could I have your straw?” Lucile asked.</p>
<p>“…You’re quite bold.” Unrepentant, too, in addition to unremorseful. </p>
<p>“Haha. We can trade them if you want.”</p>
<p>At this point, the damage was done. There was no reason for Lucile to ask for his straw - he could just take it. But apparently his desire to make amends extended just far enough for him to include this vague politeness. He was trying to… meet Miran in the middle, perhaps. Yes. That was what he appeared to be doing.</p>
<p>Miran held out his straw for him. For some reason, Lucile gave him his straw in return.</p>
<p>“Since you enjoy watching me so much, you might like this too,” Lucile said as he handed it over. It was difficult to tell if he was serious or not, since his expression never wavered. His eyes were still dead and his smile was still horribly insincere.</p>
<p>“…Noted.”</p>
<p>Just to be mean, Miran threw it out as he left.</p>
<p>There really was… a certain difference to the streets. Before, perhaps he would hear a footstep where it shouldn’t be, or the sharp intake of breath when he was supposed to be alone. And the presence. The presence that followed him everywhere, but that he could never pin down. </p>
<p>Now, though. Now it was all gone. He could enjoy being the watcher instead of the watched.</p>
<p>Lucile didn’t sleep that night either. Not as far as Miran could see through the cameras, anyway. Instead Lucile spent the majority of the night sucking on his new straw and playing with it between his fingers. He didn’t stick it anywhere other than his mouth, which was a bit outside the realm of Miran’s expectations. It was less like… the sex toy that he expected Lucile to use it for, and more like something a child might do to calm himself. Much like how he used the strand of hair.</p>
<p>But that was likely just because he was being watched.</p>
<p>He doubted that Lucile was even anxious, really. He had never seen Lucile show any sign of anxiety. Not even when he confessed to his stalking. He tended to have a rather blank face, and… honestly, he was not nearly as anxious as one would expect a hermit to be. Lucile seldom left his house. That much was obvious. He was not on good terms with his sisters. That was also obvious. And he did shy away from social situations. But anxiety? No, he truly didn’t appear anxious in the slightest.</p>
<p>It was difficult to get a good read on him outside of his obsessive nature. Still, obsession was a weakness all on its own, so whether he was anxious or neurotic in addition to being downright obsessive didn’t particularly matter.</p>
<p>All that mattered was that Miran was stronger. He was the winner out of their unsaid competition of wills.</p>
<p>It took another few days for Lucile to cave. An entire week without masturbation was a lot to ask for their bodies. He attempted to be discreet, though. With his back to the camera as he showered. </p>
<p>How odd.</p>
<p>It was difficult to tell if his modesty was real or faked for Miran’s viewing pleasure. He was leaning towards the second option. His reasoning was that Lucile seldom used his phone, despite the fact that he almost certainly had the videos he’d obtained through cameras backed up somewhere in it. Perhaps modesty wasn’t the right word. Restraint might be better.</p>
<p>Restraint… and carefully planned breaks in his restraint.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Come to think of it, it was very possible for Lucile to place a new set of cameras in Miran’s house. He was easily rich enough to buy another set. And then he would be able to go back and watch how much time Miran spent watching him… And there was also the time he spent out of the house lately. He could easily watch his videos while he was out of the house…</p>
<p>…Did that matter, though?</p>
<p>Did it really matter either way?</p>
<p>Miran was not bothered. He didn’t care if Lucile watched him. Not in the slightest. He had nothing to hide. He did good work day after day, and only took small breaks to observe Lucile’s habits. Yes. He had nothing to hide… and didn’t mind it at all.</p>
<p>In fact, it really didn’t have much of anything to do with him. Whether Lucile was obsessed with him or not had nothing to do with his ability to work. And yet he continued to watch Lucile.</p>
<p>Another week passed with little change, other than that Lucile’s lack of sleep finally caught up to him - he still didn’t sleep through the night, according to the camera’s movement records, but he did doze off and jolt awake several times through each night. The spans of dozing got longer as the final week stretched on.</p>
<p>Lucile didn’t sleep soundly. He’d begin to, but just when he looked comfortable, he’d jolt and sit up, run his hands through his hair and bite back a sigh. One night he gave in to his body’s desires and touched himself under the covers, likely as an attempt to relax enough to sleep. It didn’t work all too well. He groaned softly, not in arousal, but in frustration… and fumbled around with something in his drawers and then went to the separate toilet and closed the door, likely to finish the job.</p>
<p>That was most certainly cheating, and Miran could very well penalize him for it. But he wouldn’t as long as Lucile didn’t do it a second time. And he didn’t.</p>
<p>Before long, he reached the final day of surveillance. He met Lucile in the coffee shop after work as promised.</p>
<p>Lucile smiled when he entered. He’d already bought iced coffee for Miran in expectation. “Help yourself.”</p>
<p>“…Thank you.”</p>
<p>Lucile was quiet for a moment as Miran got settled in. Then he spoke. “So what did you decide after three weeks of voyeurism?”</p>
<p>“How ironic, coming for you,” Miran said.</p>
<p>“Haha. It is, isn’t it. But I’d like to hear the answer to my question.”</p>
<p>“Hmm… I suppose it was a bit boring,” Miran said. Though that wasn’t exactly the truth. In many ways it had been fascinating.</p>
<p>“Was it? I enjoyed watching you, though.”</p>
<p>“…Yes, I suppose you would have. In any case, I will uphold my end of the bargain. You were interested in getting the cameras removed, yes? To help with your sleep?”</p>
<p>“Mm… it probably won’t make too much of a difference with that.”</p>
<p>“I see. But surely you will at least be reassured by your sisters being out of sight.”</p>
<p>“Yes. I would.” That was very possibly the most sincere Lucile had ever sounded.</p>
<p>Miran smiled. “Very well, then. I will remove the cameras. I will keep two and give the other two to you to commemorate us getting even. I trust that you won’t put them back where you had originally placed them.”</p>
<p>“What makes you so sure?”</p>
<p>“…I will ‘date’ you. And you may record our time spent together. I will break it off if I find cameras when I am alone. Do you understand?”</p>
<p>“Date me?” Lucile repeated. “How so?”</p>
<p>“I mean it precisely how it sounds. I will go to dinner with you when you request my presence and sleep with you every so often.”</p>
<p>“And what’s in it for you?” Lucile asked. “Are you still wanting revenge? I can just pay you money to settle the discomfort of being stalked. Monetary compensation is also what you’d get if you sued me. So I’d call it fair.”</p>
<p>“Rather than send money to me personally… I would prefer it if you donated it to my workplace…”</p>
<p>“Your workplace? Why, are they in financial trouble?”</p>
<p>“Quite the opposite,” Miran said. “But I feel that it’s one of the better things you could do if your pockets are a bit too heavy for your liking.”</p>
<p>“…No, I’ll pass. I don’t want to accidentally get the CEO’s attention. And I don’t want you to date me out of pity, either.” </p>
<p>“Then what do you want?” Miran asked.</p>
<p>Lucile turned to him. His eyes lacked light. But they had no lack of intensity… as usual. He was silent for a long moment. Running through his internal list of wants, perhaps. But a singular want wasn’t what he settled on saying. “There’s no need for you to get involved with me.”</p>
<p>“…No, but—”</p>
<p>“But what? You must know that it’s not a good idea. Earlier I thought you intended to date me for my money, which was fine. If I could be useful to you for that kind of understandable reason, then it’s fine. But you seem a bit different now… Like money isn’t what you want at all. I wonder what changed?”</p>
<p>Lucile moved a hand to Miran’s cheek. He did this once before, too. Twice maybe. Something about the motion made the hairs stand up on the back of Miran’s neck.</p>
<p>…Enthralling.</p>
<p>Yes, that was the word. The combined effect of Lucile’s touch and gaze was enthralling.</p>
<p>“I do wonder,” Lucile said. “Is it a side effect from watching me? Did you enjoy it more than you’ve let on? I wonder… Did you become a little obsessed…?”</p>
<p>Miran’s breath caught in his throat. But that didn’t deter Lucile. No, not in the slightest. He continued unphased.</p>
<p>“You said that I haven’t been sleeping. Did you watch me every night? You would have needed to watch for hours to know that for a fact. Did you sit on your bed watching me in my bed, on the other side of town, waiting to see if my breathing ever slowed or if I did anything to try to lull myself to sleep…?”</p>
<p>Miran was at a loss for words. Because Lucile wasn’t wrong.</p>
<p>Lucile smiled. “I thought so. It’s written all over your face. Yes… you’ve become obsessed. But that’s okay. I think lots of people would get a little obsessive if you gave them the keys to someone else’s house. But maybe most wouldn’t. I wouldn’t know. Either way, you did. We’re the same cut of person… And you’re just obsessed enough to want to keep seeing me. And I’m the same.”</p>
<p>“…I believe you’re much worse,” Miran said. It wasn’t like him to try to save face. But what else could he say?</p>
<p>“Haha. Yes, most likely,” Lucile said. Then he stood. “You’re coming back with me, aren’t you? To get your cameras.”</p>
<p>“Yes… I suppose I am.”</p>
<p>They left the coffee shop together. He supposed they were dating now, although Lucile’s acceptance had been rather strange. Almost lukewarm. But he showed that he still wanted Miran in other ways.</p>
<p>Judging by the complete lack of distance between them as they walked, arms brushing… Lucile’s restraint had once again been carefully calculated.</p>
<p>It was natural for an obsessive person to crave the object of their affections, he supposed.</p>
<p>In fact, he was quite certain that Lucile would want to have sex once they arrived. It was possible that Lucile would be prepared, but it was also possible that he wouldn’t. So Miran had brought his own condoms and lube to their meeting in expectation - he gathered that Lucile never left his home and would be quite safe to bareback, but… Barebacking… well, it was unpleasant. He wasn’t sure that he wanted Lucile topping him even if he had prepared… Not with how inexperienced he was… </p>
<p>By the time they arrived, Miran’s mind was full of anticipation for sex. To the point where he was a bit surprised, almost confused, when Lucile went for the cameras first. His father would have certainly gone for sex first. Come to think of it, he’d done that before, too. Lucile had. He’d taken a tour of Miran’s house before intimacy. It’d been frustrating then, and it was frustrating now.</p>
<p>Still, it meant that Lucile was a bit more reasonable, for better or worse. That or it was just his inexperience showing again… </p>
<p>It wasn’t long before they could start. Miran closed the door to Lucile’s room behind them as Lucile removed the final camera. Then he set them all together, facing the wall, where they couldn’t see a thing.</p>
<p>“They’ll probably need new batteries soon,” Lucile commented idly.</p>
<p>Batteries? What did that matter? They had to get this over with.</p>
<p>Miran touched Lucile’s shoulder gently to get his attention, then leaned down to kiss him. Lucile let him, faltered for a moment, then wrapped his arms on top of Miran’s shoulders in response. Miran glanced over at Lucile’s bed as they kissed, then tugged him towards it when they pulled apart. Much like last time, Lucile allowed him to decide their pace.</p>
<p>Miran chose a fast pace rather than a slow one. He always had and always would.</p>
<p>Miran undid Lucile’s pants the second they were on his bed. And stopped.</p>
<p>It wasn’t late at night like last time they’d slept together. No, it was broad daylight. Noon on a Saturday. He could see Lucile more clearly. And what he saw were scars under the faint blond hairs at his base. They were too many and too carefully placed to be coincidental. The majority were higher, at his base or just after it, but there was one that extended a bit lopsidedly towards his head as if it had followed something. A vein, perhaps.</p>
<p>“…What are these scars?” Miran asked. Though the answer was obvious.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Lucile did not answer.</p>
<p>“They appear to be quite old,” Miran continued. “I have never seen such specific self-mutilation before. Not in person. Yet you still managed to fail to remove its function? I assume that was the intention…”</p>
<p>“I thought about it,” Lucile said, reluctantly, like he was only answering to get Miran to stop asking. “But in the end, the only way to ensure the total loss of function is to remove it entirely, and I decided it would be more trouble than it’s worth if I needed to be hospitalized for blood loss… So I avoided everything but capillaries, which didn’t turn out too effective. No, it is effective. But only as a temporary solution. Because I don’t like pain.”</p>
<p>Miran ran his fingers over him, under him… and felt a raised, newer scab to go with the older, flatter scars. “You still do it.”</p>
<p>“It’s not meant for your eyes,” Lucile said and pushed on Miran’s chin to angle it up, away from where he’d been looking. “Are you going to lay with me? Or just examine me?”</p>
<p>“Pardon my rudeness, but it is only fair considering how much you have examined me over the past several months…”</p>
<p>Lucile smiled. “You may examine me as long as I don’t notice, then. That way we’re even.”</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>That was quite impossible. Lucile was very observant, he gathered.</p>
<p>They reached a silent but mutual agreement to give up on talking and Miran’s touches returned to the realm of sensuality.</p>
<p>Lucile was a puzzle. That was for sure.</p>
<p>Here Miran had so earnestly decided within his mind that anxiety was not the cause of Lucile’s eccentric behavior. But why engage in a compulsion like he had just discovered if he was not trying to calm an obsession?</p>
<p>Was it due to whatever previous, or even concurrent obsession he had that had driven him to the edge …? </p>
<p>Miran couldn’t help but seek his scars out as he ran his fingers down Lucile. He couldn’t help but observe his expression for even the faintest changes as he rubbed his fingertip against precum, smearing it against his head.</p>
<p>His opinion of Lucile had changed again. It felt like it was always changing, despite how much evidence of his character Lucile had already shown him.</p>
<p>Lucile was not an especially functional person. All of the evidence pointed towards that fact. Something had broken him, and rather than try to patch up the damage, he just continued to let the cracks thicken until they became overwhelming. That was the real difference between them. Something had happened and Lucile would never be the same. He wasn’t like Miran, who managed… </p>
<p>Lucile touched his thigh, caressed it, snaked his arm around Miran’s waist to pull him closer.</p>
<p>It was familiar. Too familiar. That was why Miran instinctively jerked away.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Miran steadied his breathing. His racing heart. They were different.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Lucile said.</p>
<p>Miran ignored him. He knew what he was doing far better than Lucile did. It was best if he took the lead again. He pushed Lucile’s curious hands down and away from his body. “Do you have any lube?”</p>
<p>“I don’t.”</p>
<p>“…Really.”</p>
<p>“Really.”</p>
<p>“I had wondered if that might be the case,” Miran said. “So I brought my own.”</p>
<p>“How thoughtful. Do you want to take me again?”</p>
<p>Miran nodded. “Unless you happen to have something your size here…”</p>
<p>“I do not.”</p>
<p>That settled it. </p>
<p>Miran pushed Lucile down gently, as a lover might, then pressed the container of lube to his palm so that Lucile could prepare himself as he’d done last time. Lucile did so silently as Miran got himself ready. When they both finished preparing, he positioned himself in the correct location and pushed forward slowly.</p>
<p>Lucile had struggled to take him last time. It was interesting. Entertaining, almost. Far more than the sex itself. This time, Lucile was a bit more prepared. He held his breath as Miran pushed in, and although he clenched the covers and tensed a bit, he wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time. Not that he had been <i>bad</i> then.</p>
<p>He glanced at Lucile’s face. Eyes only slightly open, he was waiting patiently, not moving away in pain, and not pulling closer from want.</p>
<p>Miran moved in slowly, giving Lucile ample time to adjust to the best of his ability. He’d lubed himself better this time, too. Clearly Lucile had been telling the truth, in their earlier conversation - he was no masochist.</p>
<p>The way he arched his back against the discomfort, the way his legs twitched when Miran hit just the right place, the way his quiet moans sometimes came out more pained than pleasured… Admittedly, it was more arousing than it had any reason to be. </p>
<p>Perhaps it was because it was Lucile. Because he had managed to fit such a disgusting soul inside of such a handsome vessel.</p>
<p>Things like this were not meant to be enjoyable. If they were arousing, it was only because human bodies were conditioned to see it as such. If his mind went blank from the sensation, it was purely physiological. But it was rare that things happened like this. Perhaps it was the first time. All he could think about was the feeling and the half-lidded eyes staring back up at him.</p>
<p>Lucile finished not long before Miran. So he finished the last couple thrusts inside. It was cleaner that way anyway.</p>
<p>It was only when he was done and catching his breath to fill the new pit inside of his stomach did he realize that he had just handed Lucile a golden platter. He was going to have to leave this condom here in his trash.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Lucile laughed under him. “You’re only just now realizing, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Why do you sound as though you get more joy out of that than the actual act of sleeping together?”</p>
<p>Lucile shrugged. “It will last longer. Not that you’re fast, but because I know how to make things last. Besides, I get the feeling it doesn’t bother you quite like this does…”</p>
<p>“…Sex does not bother me,” Miran said. Of course he knew what had given Lucile that impression. Jerking away from his touch… What an amateur mistake. He was more disappointed in himself than anything to have let it happen. </p>
<p>“Mm… In any case, with the cameras removed, you won’t mind, right? Since you won’t see it… Out of sight, out of mind. Right?”</p>
<p>No, that wasn’t how that worked. “You are right. You are free to do what you wish with it,” Miran said. Though he still tied it off and disposed of it properly. Lucile could search his own trash can for it later. Knowing him, he’d get pleasure out of examining how Miran had tied it anyway. Then he gathered his clothes and got dressed as he spoke. “That aside, please give me your phone number,” Miran said.</p>
<p>“You mean to text me?”</p>
<p>“At some point, yes.”</p>
<p>“…So you were serious about dating me.”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Lucile handed his phone over for Miran to input his number. Miran did the same for Lucile.</p>
<p>“I will call you,” Miran said. Then he showed himself to the door.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>The cameras being gone made things a little easier. But they didn’t go back to how things were before Lucile came clean to Miran. How could they? Miran would remember what he did forever now that he knew. He would never forget Lucile as long as he lived. He would always know.<p>It was odd. Because Lucile knew that he should be happy. He was a stalker, and any stalker’s greatest wish should be for the object of their affection to return their feelings, and here Miran was asking for his number and saying that he’d date Lucile.</p>
<p>However.</p>
<p>If he had to choose one way or another, Lucile would choose the time when Miran hadn’t known his name or what he did to the thought of Miran.</p>
<p>Even though they were having sex, even though Miran was clearly interested in him conceptually, he definitely didn’t return Lucile’s exact feelings. Well, that would be asking too much… After all, he wasn’t much of a catch. Mentally. Emotionally, too. The fact that Miran seemed as interested as he did was nothing short of a miracle. Then again, he might be the type of guy who had a soft spot for serial killers. Yes, that was much closer to the truth than a crush or anything like that. It was more of grotesque fascination than genuine interest.</p>
<p>How good it would be if that was his only problem to waste his time considering. But there was a more serious issue too.</p>
<p>Ferris, and to a lesser degree, Iris. </p>
<p>Ferris gave him quite the look the next time they saw each other.</p>
<p>If they were normal siblings, that would’ve been the day of. But they weren’t. It was two days between when Lucile last brought Miran home and when he next saw Ferris.</p>
<p>She approached him, nervous. Guarded. Just like always. “Er… That man who was here two days ago…”</p>
<p>“You saw Miran leave?” Lucile asked. From her demeanor, it seemed like she hadn’t heard them sleeping together. </p>
<p>“I did.”</p>
<p>“Did you talk?” Lucile asked. Though he already knew the answer. Miran had left quickly and quietly. If he hadn’t, Lucile would have intervened.</p>
<p>“No. He just left.”</p>
<p>How had Miran felt when faced with the sister of a man he’d just slept with? Lucile could picture his expression clearly. But it was hard to focus on that expression while standing here talking to Ferris. “He isn’t the best at socializing. Haha.”</p>
<p>“…Are you two… f-friends?” Ferris asked slowly, cautiously. As if he was going to bite her head off for it.</p>
<p>He supposed it was best to go with what Miran himself had said. “We’re dating.”</p>
<p>Ferris froze for a moment. Then she almost smiled. “H, ha! You’re dating!” She said, a little too loudly. “I see! S-so you, er…”</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>“Like m-men?”</p>
<p>Ah. Of course. Normally one would wonder about that, wouldn’t they? He hadn’t given it much thought himself. He’d been so happy to like someone like Miran that it didn’t matter if he was a man or a woman. “I suppose.”</p>
<p>“And the… th, the…”</p>
<p>“He knows,” Lucile said, since it didn’t sound like Ferris was ever going to get to the point. “He knows about the things in my drawer and the cameras. So don’t worry. He even saves his straws for me… Isn’t that sweet?”</p>
<p>Ferris turned bright red. Good. Now she’d be far too embarrassed to ever bring it up again. Lucile left her there to burn her brain out over it.</p>
<p>It was an odd feeling, telling his sister that he was dating someone. Because… well, they weren’t dating out of love. It was more like stubbornness. The more Lucile thought about it, the more he was sure. Miran was dating him out of the stubborn idea that it’d give him control of the situation. That was why he’d enjoyed the cameras so much.</p>
<p>He wondered if the thought of him and Miran together reassured Ferris at all.</p>
<p>Her brother was stalking another man. Her brother was dating another man. Not her. He didn’t think of her. Was that her thought process? He hoped so.</p>
<p>It wasn’t true, though. He spent some time in the dojo to clear his mind. It wasn’t true at all.</p>
<p>If he could make it true, he would. But no matter how much he tried to patch his mind up, it was broken in all the wrong places. He knew that it was a lost cause. He’d always been like this, ever since he was born into this house.</p>
<p>If it was possible for his mind to atone for its sins, then it wouldn’t keep making the same mistakes day after day. He would have changed and atoned by becoming something other than himself. If he was capable of that, his mind wouldn’t have looked at the cameras he still had and begged him to set them up outside where his sisters played or in their rooms with views of their beds. He wouldn’t have had to break them into pieces and throw them away.</p>
<p>He tried to empty his mind.</p>
<p>Even so, if he was incapable of change, if he was only capable of wanting his sisters, could he have really slept with Miran instead? Could he have given himself to a man with dark hair and a deep voice willingly instead of taking his cute sisters by force? Could he have found comfort in the sight of Miran?</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>If the sight of Miran alone were enough for him, then he wouldn’t have had to stalk him. He needed much more than that to quiet his circular thoughts. </p>
<p>That was the root of it, really. He could feign love all day, but what he had for Miran wasn’t strong enough. It wasn’t as strong. So it’d always lose…</p>
<p>He pressed his nails into his palms. He needed to clear his mind. Tear the skin off his back. Wash the ability to feel out of his hands. No, out of his whole body. </p>
<p>Lucile stood and left to take a shower. Turned it up as hot as it’d go so that the air was unbearably frigid when he left it. Then he lay on his bed, cold and wet. He was going to ruin it. But the sound of his teeth chattering was a good distraction.</p>
<p>It was only temporary, though. All distractions were temporary. There was only so much he could do to distract himself from existing, after all. If he wanted a permanent solution, he’d have to climb that three-foot fence. Then he could stop. Everything would just stop.</p>
<p>Things had been so fun, for a time. But he was still himself. So he had to lay here listening to the sound of his teeth chattering to drown out his usual repetitive thoughts. Because they were repeating again. They always repeated. It was the same, the same, the— </p>
<p>His phone rang.</p>
<p>It only ever lit up with spam calls, so he thought he’d only have to flick his eyes to it and see an unfamiliar number to know that it was okay to ignore it. But it was showing that the caller was a contact. That it was Miran. So he answered.</p>
<p>“Hello,” Lucile said.</p>
<p>“Hello. It’s a nice evening, isn’t it…?”</p>
<p>Lucile closed his eyes to the sound of his voice. Then he mouthed the words back - <i>It’s a nice evening, isn’t it?</i></p>
<p>It was such a normal question. So absolutely unrelated to the circles his mind had been drawing. Miran held out a pen and drew a line straight away from them and let Lucile’s thoughts leave their predetermined tracks with ease. He didn’t mean to, but that was what happened.</p>
<p>Miran was right. Obsessions were what made him tick. If they weren’t, Miran’s voice wouldn’t sound nearly as nice as it did to him now. It was like coming home to somewhere other than this damned house where he’d spent his whole life - coming home to somewhere that he could relax in.</p>
<p>“It is,” Lucile said, even though he’d hardly registered what outside was like at all.</p>
<p>“I would like to see you.”</p>
<p>“I want to record you saying that.”</p>
<p>“Haha. Then I will say it again for you later.” Even though he laughed, it didn’t sound like he wanted to be recorded. But he’d go along with it anyway.</p>
<p>They agreed to meet for dinner. Of course Lucile was obligated in this situation to provide the best possible food in the best possible atmosphere; the best atmosphere one could sit in with their stalker, at least. It took a lot of money to buy such an atmosphere, but compared to the price of asking Luke to bring a single strand of hair for him, it was nothing.</p>
<p>Miran arrived at nearly the same time he did. It was nice to see the ways they were the same sometimes.</p>
<p>In other ways they were a bit different. For example, Miran was very polite. Ferris and Iris were ill-mannered children, and Lucile found that it was a lovely change of pace. Even though Miran had no intention of being kind to him, he still opened the door for Lucile based solely on his polite habits. Charming, really.</p>
<p>“What brought you to call me?” Lucile asked.</p>
<p>Miran cocked his head for a brief moment - had he not practiced his response in advance? “I keep my word,” he said simply.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” Lucile said. There were all sorts of things he could have added. He saw last time that they met that their encounters caused Miran a certain kind of trouble, and not the kind that nice dinners would remedy. Lucile wasn’t a clingy person. If Miran lost his number, he wouldn’t spam his phone. There was no real benefit to Miran meeting him here and now, even if Lucile benefited from seeing Miran.</p>
<p>“Naturally,” Miran said, an easy answer to Lucile’s thoughts. “But us seeing each other will only happen if I wish it to.”</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Control again. The urge to have some control over the situation he’d been thrust into. Miran wanted the control to allow things to exist on his terms alone. Who was Lucile to deny him that?</p>
<p>He wasn’t surprised that Miran had contacted him again. He said that he would, and most people would probably follow through on a promise like that after going through the trouble to make it.</p>
<p>But it had only been two days.</p>
<p>They were shown to a private corner of the restaurant, and Miran immediately took charge of ordering, having the waiter bring all of the most expensive items. At least he was enjoying himself.</p>
<p>For a moment Lucile’s mind wandered and wondered what someone else might do in this situation,here at dinner with him and only him, but he quickly reigned it in - he was sitting with Miran, only Miran, and he’d eat what Miran ordered tonight and nothing else. Unless he was unduly lucky, of course. If he could call it lucky.</p>
<p>Was it enjoyable? Did he really enjoy sleeping with Miran? He didn’t even know that. Maybe he was only pretending to enjoy it because it was someone he wanted to like. Maybe that was all it’d ever been.</p>
<p>“How was work?” Lucile asked. Perhaps it was because he spoke quietly and was difficult to hear against the distant sound of dishes, but Miran leaned in a bit.</p>
<p>“Rather the same as always,” Miran said. “I would ask the same of you, but…”</p>
<p>Small talk was evidently not one of Miran’s strong points. Though it wasn’t something Lucile was particularly good at either, all things considered. “If I were away from home for the whole day, my sisters would turn the house into some kind of dango amusement park.”</p>
<p>Miran looked a bit perplexed. “Dango…?”</p>
<p>“Unfortunate, isn’t it.”</p>
<p>“Er… quite,” Miran said. </p>
<p>The appetizers came surprisingly quickly, easing them out of conversation. Despite how long Miran’s nails were, he did not shy from ordering the expensive roasted shrimps. They were intended to be eaten as finger foods, and Lucile had never seen him eat something with his fingers, considering his long nails.</p>
<p>He watched as Miran picked a piece of shrimp up by the tail with a rather delicate curvature to his fingers, his joints dipped down like the neck of a swan to prevent his nails from touching the food and therefore being dirtied.</p>
<p>How elegant.</p>
<p>But as soon as he thought it, he wondered if that thought was honest or not. Did he really believe it? How could he say for certain?</p>
<p>“…Were you wanting me to support your company financially?” Lucile asked once food was in Miran’s mouth just so he could watch him swallow, so he could see if he took his time chewing thoroughly or if he swallowed half-chewed food to answer faster.</p>
<p>Miran opted to chew carefully, then swallowed. “You already said that you would not, didn’t you?” The movements of his neck were mesmerizing. Surly that thought was real. He hoped that it was. </p>
<p>“I did. But you seem like a persistent person.”</p>
<p>Miran smiled, a hazy little thing. “I am often told that I am stubborn, yes.”</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Miran did not ask for financial support for his company again.</p>
<p>So that wasn’t his reasoning for inviting Lucile out either, was it.</p>
<p>Was it really just his need for control? No, that didn’t explain why he had invited him after two days. He could have easily waited two weeks. Two weeks would have made him look like a saint when he finally allowed Lucile to see him again. But two days? It came off as eager, and he didn’t expect Miran to treat him with eagerness of all things.</p>
<p>Perhaps it was Miran’s nosiness. Wanting to know about the thing he asked about before… Or ego, maybe, feeling flattered by the attention despite everything…</p>
<p>Still, it was… Well, when was the last time Ferris had gone out of her way to ask Lucile to spend time with her? She did talk to him, rarely, but it was all unsure, and she never went out of her way to ask him to do something with her. Not anymore. It was nothing like how they were as kids, when she so often asked him to read to her… </p>
<p>But here was Miran, an adult who did not need Lucile to protect him, and chose to spend his night with him regardless. The feeling in his chest when he thought of that wasn’t the same hole he was used to. It was a real, full feeling, born from something honest, even if it was its own brand of impure.</p>
<p>“…Hm.” The shrimp really were good. No wonder Miran had wanted to come here. </p>
<p>Actually… Now that he thought about it, last time when he came with Miran was his first time ever going to a restaurant with someone else. He’d been alone once or twice, soon after his parents died, before he ran out of energy entirely. But never with another person.</p>
<p>Despite everything, it was an enjoyable night out. The food was enjoyable and their walk outside together afterwards was enjoyable.</p>
<p>Walking beside each other, hands brushing every so often but never reaching for the other, was pleasant in a way that Miran’s insincere words weren’t. Because it was obvious this way. It was obvious that if Miran weren’t here, he’d be sitting alone in his home, just like Lucile would have been.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>In some ways they were alone now, too. Alone together. They weren’t talking, but they weren’t by themselves, either. It was enough to give him something else to think about. It was enough to give him an excuse to breathe the evening air instead of the stale air of his room.</p>
<p>It was… pleasant. Unexpectedly so.</p>
<p>Miran’s hand brushing against him from time to time was a feeling he didn’t want to forget. Lucile could watch Miran’s silent appreciation of the clouds’ fight to cover the stars all night. He could listen to his breathing against the wind forever. His mind wasn’t so bad when it repeated innocuous spirals like this.</p>
<p>Their circumstances were odd, but was it really a crime to just eat together and walk together every now and then? It was hard to argue that kind of simple existence. He certainly wouldn’t argue it if it were anyone else. If it were Ferris walking happily beside someone who made her chest fill with something light instead of heavy, he’d surely be happy. But he wasn’t Ferris. He was himself.</p>
<p>It started aimless. But they gravitated towards the beautiful rather than the streets, so they ended up walking around the edges of a small park’s pond. It was well-kept, with flowers of all varieties in the vibrant colors just close enough to the edge to reflect off the surface of the water along with the moon.</p>
<p>They stood for a moment, watching. It was a nice night. Lucile felt that it was something they both appreciated.</p>
<p>It was fine. Things were fine like this.</p>
<p>He didn’t have to say anything. But because he was content to just stand here, Miran’s attention flickering over to him every now and then was massively distracting from his goal.</p>
<p>Miran wanted something. He wanted to know something. But what sort of questions begged him for answers? He wasn’t talking… </p>
<p>It was rare that Lucile felt the urge to talk to fill silence, but not knowing what Miran was thinking bothered him. The thought that he might know something bothered him. But he didn’t say anything. Neither of them did.</p>
<p>He resisted the urge to speak. So did Miran. It was almost like a game. They didn’t speak, but it was obvious to Lucile that they were both more focused on each other than the scenery at this point. </p>
<p>It was only after a few more minutes of walking along the shore of the lake that Lucile understood the purpose of their meeting.</p>
<p>The purpose was never to talk. Not today. Miran wanted to watch him again. He wanted to make him uncomfortable again. The cameras had worked so well. Now he wanted to test his theory of it working in-person, too.</p>
<p>Maybe he didn’t expect it to actually work, but here Lucile was overthinking things and giving Miran the upper hand, even though he ought to know better. So it did work.</p>
<p>Lucile almost laughed. Because when he thought of it that way, it was funny. It made sense. It made sense, so he wasn’t bothered by it anymore. It was understandable. He was the same way.</p>
<p>The same… </p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>Lucile wanted to know the same thing. He’d been watching Miran for that purpose, hadn’t he? He wanted to know more about him. But they weren’t strangers anymore. Knowledge of Miran didn’t fill an otherwise unoccupied corner of his mind now. He had become part of Miran’s life in the same way that Miran had become part of Lucile’s. And when two people were connected, they inevitably began to mix and compare the different parts of each other.</p>
<p>How similar were they really? He wanted to know. Because he liked Miran so much. He had seemed so different from Lucile at first, but the longer they stood together like this, the less different they seemed to be. But Lucile had never met someone who was like himself. So it didn’t occur to him until now that he might have a lot in common with Miran.</p>
<p>He thought of Miran jerking away from him because of his touch. The disgusted but not surprised expression as he moved away in that instant, then the way he sighed and closed his eyes, instantly understanding why his body had reacted the way it did.</p>
<p>Was Miran’s mind innocent? Or was he the same as Lucile, deep down…? </p>
<p>If they spent more time together like this, he’d find an answer to that question someday.</p>
<p>He’d already seen everything Miran had to offer on the surface. Now he had to dig a little deeper. He had to see what lay beneath his skin, inside of his mind and his heart.</p>
<p>Then he’d be able to see their differences as plain as day. He’d know what separated them. Then he’d be satisfied.</p>
<p>So from that day on, he paid just as close of attention to Miran as he always had. But his goal was a little different. He wouldn’t keep information about Miran separate from information about himself anymore. He’d weigh them both carefully and determine beyond a shadow of a doubt what the differences between them were, as humans.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Three months had passed since Miran told Lucile that he would act as his partner.<p>In those three months, they had indeed acted as lovers would. They saw each other once a week and sometimes spoke on days they didn’t see each other on, though those conversations were always surface level. Nothing of consequence.</p>
<p>Originally Miran had planned on benefiting within a few months’ time. But things did not always go according to plan, and this was one such example of the fact.</p>
<p>A fool might say that he’d fallen for Lucile Eris. That was not the case, and it never would be. Miran was quite convinced that he was not the type to fall in love, and even if he were, who in their right mind would fall in love with their unremorseful stalker? No, instead of trying to make things right, every time they saw each other Lucile asked for something more.</p>
<p>Always inconsequential ‘mores’ though.</p>
<p>It came as a bit of a surprise at first. It was difficult to say that Lucile could get any more bold, knowing that he had been bold enough to hide cameras inside of Miran’s house. But he soon became bold in a different way. He stopped talking about all the disgusting things he did as much and started talking about something a little more normal, in his uniquely abnormal way.</p>
<p>Lucile wanted literature recommendations and read each and every book that Miran mentioned within twenty-four hours of the title leaving his lips. It was a good trait, he felt - often people didn’t really listen to what Miran had to say even if they heard him, but Lucile always listened, and always intently, intensely. Even his father hadn’t ever truly listened. The best he’d get with his interests was ‘that’s nice.’ But Lucile was obsessed enough to care.</p>
<p>It would have been flattering if it weren’t so disgusting. But disgust only lasted for so long. As time drew on, the line between what he considered disgusting and flattering blurred so that he couldn’t really tell what he felt half the time anymore.</p>
<p>Another one of the ‘mores’ that Lucile wanted from him was physical. There was the sexual aspect, yes. But Lucile did not really initiate. He was sensual, yes, always, <i>always</i> touching Miran’s face, whispering in his ear… but as far as true sexuality went, Lucile almost seemed more satisfied with what he could get from Miran without explicitly touching him.</p>
<p>Really, it was no wonder that he had ended up as a stalker. His fetishes were perfectly suited to the crime.</p>
<p>Then there was food, drink, habits. He wanted to know if Miran had any interest in pets, what his favorite foods were, if he had strong feelings on this or that stylistic issue in writing, the kinds of things he argued with his coworkers about.</p>
<p>They only met once a week and Lucile was a fairly quiet person who left many silences through their conversation, but it still managed to be a staggering amount of attention due to that sort of question.</p>
<p>Then there was their bedroom life. Occasionally Miran initiated, because it was what one ought to do with their ‘partner.’ But Lucile saw through his distaste for nearly everything they tried.</p>
<p>“What <i>do</i> you like?” Lucile asked after one such affair was over. His tone wasn’t accusatory. It was curious.</p>
<p>For what reason did he need that information? To do it himself? To appeal to Miran sexually, even more than he was now?</p>
<p>Why, exactly? If he cared about making Miran feel comfortable and good, he never would have stalked him, so it was impossible to see Lucile’s questioning as honest.</p>
<p>Perhaps that was why it was impossible to resist the urge to respond in a way his father would have termed ‘overly smart.’ “Videos of men hanging themselves.”</p>
<p>Lucile cocked his head to the side, his smile not fading in the slightest. “Usually you try harder to hide your distaste. Did I hit a nerve…?”</p>
<p>…And so, as usual, Lucile failed to be unnerved no matter what he said or did…</p>
<p>Miran bit back the urge to sigh. Because it was futile. “No, not at all,” he said. “I was joking…”</p>
<p>Lucile laughed as if it were actually funny, and not an obvious (and failed) attempt to upset him. “You’re always free to attempt murder on me. It might be fun.”</p>
<p>One look at Lucile’s thin but well-defined arms was enough to tell Miran why Lucile found the thought funny - Miran would not be successful, even if he tried. He doubted that Lucile would fall for poison either, and Miran wasn’t especially skilled with firearms. Though he could always practice. As Lucile said, it might be fun.</p>
<p>“……”</p>
<p>It was… an odd situation.</p>
<p>Miran was past the point of truly believing that Lucile could give him anything that he could not get himself. Lucile was rich, yes, but using him for Sion’s benefit meant exposing Sion to him, and he’d emphatically rather not.</p>
<p>At this point, Miran was not continuing the relationship for his own benefit. He was continuing it because it was fake.</p>
<p>Yes, Lucile had said that it pleased his selfish heart. But was that really true? Anyone who was truly selfish would not stop at this sort of fake relationship. They would crave something real.</p>
<p>But this was not real. It never would be.</p>
<p>Their fake relationship was, more than anything, proof that it would never be real. They did not love each other. It was a stretch to say that they even liked each other half the time. What they had took the stalker’s ultimate fantasy away from him and stepped on it before it could be realized.</p>
<p>That was what he wanted from this. He wanted Lucile to be stuck here, in his grasp, unable to form a new and more fulfilling obsession, but unable to satisfy his current one in any meaningful way.</p>
<p>They hardly ever had sex, and they certainly never cuddled or vowed love to each other. It was perfectly unfulfilling in every way.</p>
<p>Strangely, Miran did not mind spending time on it. The nice dinners, perhaps, or Lucile’s gifts in the form of nice clothes. It was lopsided in Miran’s favor now, not Lucile’s. As it ought to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Light of the Stars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time seemed to pass differently nowadays.</p><p>Maybe it was because Lucile had so much more to do than ever before, but nearly every day was different from the day that came before it. That would’ve been unimaginable a year ago. Even now it didn’t feel very real.</p><p>It was a slow process, but he was going out more. Talking to Miran more than once a week was still too much, but if he talked to him that one time weekly and then went out another day just to walk around, the world felt a little wider without being so wide that he wanted it to leave him alone.</p><p>At first the conversations with Miran were pretty tense, but they became more familiar after a few months. Maybe they were getting closer, but there was still a palpable rift between them.</p><p>It wasn’t an uncomfortable rift. They didn’t tell each other anything, but did they need to? Honestly, Lucile liked where they were now. Miran probably did too. The distance was comfortable.</p><p>Lately Lucile was trying some of Miran’s coffee recommendations. Apparently Miran was actually pretentious when it came to coffee. That wasn’t surprising after getting to know him, but it was funny having the guy he stalked for a few months emphatically ban him from ever trying ‘low-quality’ coffee, if he bothered to try any at all. He also used Lucile as a blind test subject to determine which ones of his teas were suitable for… something. A gift to someone in the office, maybe. And by gift he probably meant bribe.</p><p>It was a lot of fun.</p><p>They exchanged recommendations for novels, too. At first it was only Lucile asking, but after a few months, Miran got curious about what Lucile liked, too, so they earnestly traded favorites, even if Miran was probably only reading what Lucile recommended to find fault with it.</p><p>Lucile hadn’t read seriously in a while, but he used to read all throughout his free time. He reread a few books he recognized on his bookshelf before telling Miran what he liked as a refresher on what his tastes were supposed to be.</p><p>It turned out that they had a shared interest in poetry. Miran seemed to like the mystery novels he recommended, too. It was nice.</p><p>Lucile had never had a friend before, but maybe what he had with Miran now was a little like that? He kind of understood why Ferris talked about Ryner so much now. </p><p>He didn’t think it’d last, though. Because Miran knew him.</p><p>It wasn’t like Lucile had never spoken to someone outside of his house. He had. He was his parents’ favorite and allowed a certain degree of freedom as a result. But even back when he didn’t really understand the difference between himself and others, he didn’t ‘know’ anyone else, and they didn’t ‘know’ him.</p><p>In Miran’s case… At first, he didn’t know the extent of it, despite the stalking. But it wasn’t something that he expected to hide forever.</p><p>Lucile spent a lot of time watching Miran closely. So he saw the exact moment that it clicked for him.</p><p>Miran came over every now and then, usually because he was nosy (and probably bored). When he did, he asked for this or that in his usual bossy way. Today his goal was to return Lucile’s books, which he did at the door, and get another one from him to take home.</p><p>“…Hmm… I have an old anthology you might like,” Lucile suggested. “Though it’s a bit thick. It might take awhile for you to get through it.”</p><p>Ferris was there, too, sitting in the living room instead of going back into her room at the sight of Miran because she was also nosy. It was no real surprise that she heard their conversation. “The poetry anthology?” She asked, inviting herself into the conversation despite her own obvious apprehension. “The one with… the love stories?”</p><p>Lucile hated how she asked that. Hated it. Really hated it.</p><p>That was all it took sometimes. He tried to swallow the feeling that rose in his throat, but it didn’t go down right. It didn’t go down at all.</p><p>He hated his awareness of his own dry lips and mouth. Hated the thought of reading a different type of love story with her. Of creating a different kind of love story with her. He shot a glare at her, as mean as he was capable of to get her to just leave, then looked back to Miran.</p><p>Miran looked back with a smile. Maybe a smirk.</p><p>Ahh… so that was how it happened.</p><p>He knew, didn’t he? Miran had heard Lucile gulp and saw the want in his eyes. He must have. And now he knew. He knew that Lucile had to steady his breathing when Ferris asked him about love stories. He knew why because he’d searched for a ‘why’ since the beginning, and here Lucile was, handing the perfect answer over without a fight.</p><p>That was why Lucile knew that this wouldn’t last forever.</p><p>Maybe it didn’t make sense to anyone else, but for him, the arm’s length distance they had between each other was far more comfortable than Miran knowing something like this about him. Novels often said that love was the moment that two people truly understood each other. But that was in fiction. Reality wasn’t like that. In Lucile’s case, he was pretty sure that the emotion understanding led to was closer to hate than love.</p><p>The only reason it continued was that Miran was having fun with it. Of course Lucile was too, to a certain degree, but having someone around who knew him not only as a stalker but as someone who would dream of his own sister was disheartening, to say the least.</p><p>He thought something would change with Miran’s newfound knowledge. He was sure of it.</p><p>As much as he loved the thought of Miran, Miran himself was not kind. He was polite only as long as it was cold. The second it veered towards warmth, he became rude, all false-pretence thrown to the wolves. There was no reason for someone like that to keep his secret. He could easily tell Ferris and Iris, and they’d leave, because who wouldn’t? Then it’d just be Lucile, alone with his thoughts again.</p><p>But Miran didn’t say anything. He smiled and almost laughed. “I would like to read it,” he said, and that was probably true. He was nosy, after all. Of course he’d like to read something that Lucile’s sister sounded bothered by. Still, he didn’t ask her for details or say anything unnecessary.</p><p>If anything, Miran seemed to have fun watching Lucile be on edge. Some things never changed, did they?</p><p>The first time Miran so much as referenced it was hours later, far past his many opportunities to blurt it out to Lucile with his sisters in earshot. Instead he chose to mention it in bed.</p><p>They didn’t sleep together often. When they did, it was because Miran initiated.</p><p>Why? It was hard to say, most of the time. Miran had days where he wanted to sleep together and insisted on it, even when it was clear that it was the last thing he actually wanted to do. It seemed to have to do with the weather, or how Lucile dressed, or something along those lines. He had his days, and that was the majority of why they slept together.</p><p>Today wasn’t one of those days, though. Well… it was in some ways. But for the most part, Miran seemed eager to tell him something, and he chose the moment when Lucile was least capable of escaping to do so - when they were already indecent, a dim light goading them on.</p><p>“You are weak,” he said as he drew his pretty fingers along Lucile’s scars. Rather than sounding angry, he sounded pleased. “If you were stronger, you wouldn’t have done this.”</p><p>He knew that, of course. But he couldn’t fault Miran for telling him anyway.</p><p>“If you were stronger, you wouldn’t have felt anything at all. These scars would not exist.”</p><p>“…I wonder,” Lucile said. “Maybe the strongest would feel pure affection. Nothing more and nothing less.”</p><p>“No… Feeling nothing is better. You cannot be controlled by your irrational emotions if you are already perfectly in control of them.”</p><p>“Is that really what you think?” Lucile asked and put a cold hand against Miran’s warm cheek. “Or is that an excuse coming from someone who’s too weak to love anything? Not that I don’t understand your point of view…”</p><p>“I cannot see it as anything but a strength, even when you insist,” Miran said.</p><p>“In some ways, sure,” Lucile said. “But avoid it too much and it wraps back into fear, doesn’t it? The vulnerability born from that kind of affection is difficult to stomach even when it’s pure. Maybe it’s even harder that way… Pure love is too much for people like us, after all.”</p><p>“…Too much? You say it as if it’s something to desire.”</p><p>“If you never wanted anything, you wouldn’t be here now. But you’re here. In bed with me. If you found that so undesirable, then why would you keep initiating? There must be something that you want out of being here together.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>They got along pretty well.</p><p>Good people could get along with compliments and love and were happy to be the same. But people like them needed this kind of underhanded insulting to confirm their differences.</p><p>He knew that Miran understood. Even if he didn’t respond, the air between them changed.</p><p>Miran was weak, too. That was why he was here with Lucile instead of someone he truly loved. Because he couldn’t handle that kind of emotion. Just like how sleeping together like this felt like pounding a nail inside of Lucile, it was pounding a nail just as painfully into Miran.</p><p>Until today, they were distant despite how much they spoke. They were distant despite being far past their physical consummation. But that conversation felt like understanding. The hammer slammed the nails straight through them so that they could see into each other instead of keeping their views blocked by metal.</p><p>Miran didn’t kiss him. He just pushed inside, rougher than necessary.</p><p>There was a reason that ‘sleeping together’ and ‘making love’ were two separate phrases. Miran and Lucile only ever did the former. Making love was supposed to be much sweeter, without pain or hate spread between them. But it was strange. The rougher Miran got with him, the more it felt like making love. Not because there was anything particularly loving about it, but… Maybe it was the understanding.</p><p>He was so sure that it’d feel like hate. But it wasn’t like that at all.</p><p>Of course he didn’t want Miran to know that side of him. But now that he knew and there was no taking it back, now that he was inside of Lucile, hard despite it… </p><p>Before, he thought that it was only Miran because he was at the right place at the right time.</p><p>Now it was different. He didn’t think that there were many people who would react to this like Miran. Most people probably didn’t want to sleep with someone who they thought might be thinking of his own sister in bed instead.</p><p>But he wasn’t thinking about her. He was thinking about Miran today, even with his eyes closed. Only Miran made him feel like this.</p><p>It was like… he stopped being one person in the world, and became two. Or maybe they stopped being two and became one, in their unique inability to do anything the way they were supposed to. So it stopped being uncomfortable. It became something that he really wanted. From Miran, and not from anyone else. Nobody else understood this side of him, so he didn’t want to share this moment with anyone else.</p><p>Was that too romantic? Maybe it was. In the end, they were two people who never should have met. But Lucile was glad that they did. If they hadn’t, he wouldn’t be here now, sweating under Miran and whining for a release he wouldn’t regret. Miran wouldn’t be on top of him, painfully hard, gripping Lucile’s sides with his long nails just hard enough to bury the tips in his skin.</p><p>Good. Lucile wanted him to bury them, no matter how painful it was. He wanted this to leave a mark like the marks he left himself. Those marks were originally meant to be deterrents, but nowadays they were physical proof of his depravity instead. Reminders for Miran to see and judge every time they lay together.</p><p>So Miran ought to leave marks too. Leave proof that he took his stalker and dug his nails into his bare skin. Shove them through his muscle and straight against his bone. Break the condom and cum inside of him. Never let Lucile’s body forget its sins against him.</p><p>“…Ah…”</p><p>He got what he wanted. He felt it. The lube was too hot where it had been sliding in and out and too cold where it splattered against his leg. It was messy. He felt like this before too. Blood cooled like this too.</p><p>He closed his eyes. When he killed his parents and their blood covered him, it covered Ferris too, and cooled on them just like this. With the blood cooling against him, he had thought that everything would get easier, but instead it became harder, because nothing would stand in his way anymore if he fell to his own weakness.</p><p>He opened his eyes. To Miran, who was catching his breath, still inside.</p><p>“…You’re so warm,” Lucile mumbled. Miran looked nothing like Ferris. His expression now was nothing like hers then. </p><p>“Anyone would be warm in this situation.”</p><p>“Maybe. But you’re the one here. I’ve only done this with you.”</p><p>“It would not be difficult for you to do it with others.”</p><p>“Mm… Physically, that’s true. But I’d rather do things like this with you…”</p><p>Lucile didn’t like to picture anything, but if he had to, he wanted it to be Miran. If someone had to get him off, he wanted it to be Miran.</p><p>“What do you think of?” Lucile asked. “When it’s just you.”</p><p>“I do not—”</p><p>“Don’t bother. I watched you for three weeks. Just answer the question.”</p><p>Miran’s expression when he was caught in a lie was a cute sort of sour. “I do not see why it’s any of your concern. I don’t… I really don’t have such thoughts.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. So Miran didn’t want to think about anything either. Just like he thought. He was weak, too.</p><p>Ah… he wanted to watch the stars and the moon in the sky. It was such a beautiful night, after all.</p><p>Miran got up, leaving him alone on the bed. At first Lucile was certain that he’d get dressed only to leave, but Miran stopped and looked back at him.</p><p>Lucile knew that look. The look that he shot with a tight frown, eyebrows twitching. He wanted the last word.</p><p>“…You seem quite happy,” Miran said.</p><p>“Happy,” Lucile repeated. Happy, huh? When was the last time anyone had told him that he seemed happy? “If that’s so, then it’s thanks to you.”</p><p>“You do have strange tastes.”</p><p>“I think I will watch the stars. Would you like to join me?”</p><p>“…I may as well.” Miran was good at masking reluctance. There was no logical reason for Miran to stay here with him, and Miran cared about the logistics of those things. He still agreed. Lucile didn’t think he was very good at saying ‘no’ when people came onto him. But that was fine. Nothing else happened. They just watched the stars from the open window, appreciating the pleasantly cool breeze on their sweaty faces together.</p><p>Books he read sometimes talked about first love, and how pure and good it was. Lucile’s wasn’t pure or good. He was sure of that. And if this was his second love, then he was sure that this wasn’t either of those things either.</p><p>He wasn’t delusional. He knew that he had stalked Miran, and that it was ridiculous to expect anything. No relationship could come back from that, especially when they were just strangers when it started. The only reason it was still continuing now was that Miran let things happen.</p><p>Maybe he really believed that he had power over Lucile now. Or maybe that was just an excuse from someone who didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to advances.</p><p>Either way, it wasn’t real… So how was it still so fun?</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Even after Miran learned about Lucile’s other obsession, things didn’t change.<p>Lucile remained attracted to him. At first Miran wondered if the whole ordeal was faked in order to distract himself from his real tastes, but after close observation he was certain that wasn’t the case. Nobody would fake the things Lucile did for something that nobody else really knew about.</p><p>There was also the fact that Lucile truly got aroused when they slept together. But if physical arousal was the only thing that mattered… </p><p>“……”</p><p>It wasn’t a topic that he thought about often. It wasn’t a topic that was productive to him, so he simply thought about other things instead. Unlike Lucile.</p><p>Lucile was weak. If he would just leave his sisters entirely… No, if he would get rid of them in every meaning of the word. He would not be bothered by thoughts of sleeping with them if they were dead. But he was too weak to do so, and so he ended up suffering for it.</p><p>It was funny. The solution was so obvious, but Lucile was too weak to do it.</p><p>Less funny was Lucile’s assertion that there was even the slightest similarity between them on this subject. After all, Miran never thought about anything like that… He had memories. But he didn’t create new thoughts. He was sure of it. Surely… all of his dreams were rehashed memories, the tired side of his mind left on repeat.</p><p>Miran didn’t sleep particularly well. Never had. But since learning about Lucile, it was a bit worse than usual. A single unproductive question repeated in his mind.</p><p>Lucile had two sisters. The younger of the two was still a young girl.</p><p>He gathered that Lucile had never actually touched either of his sisters. They showed no sign of it. But surely the thought had crossed his mind. Surely he had become aroused from the thought before.</p><p>He was a disgusting person, wasn’t he?</p><p>“……”</p><p>Whether Lucile had such thoughts or not was immaterial to him. More importantly were his implications.</p><p>Somehow, he had seen through Miran’s eyes and into his mind, and that was how he came to the conclusion that they were the same.</p><p>But they weren’t.</p><p>Miran had no desire to think like Lucile. If even a fraction as objectionable as a thought occurred to him, it was inevitable. Anyone who had been told what about him was attractive since such a young age would surely notice those traits in others. There was nothing he could do about it at this point. It didn’t matter anyway.</p><p>Miran disliked children, and every time he saw Iris, he felt a surge of that dislike. It wasn’t a relevant feeling nowadays. It did nothing for him. But he felt it anyway.</p><p>If his strong will could make something happen to her, then he’d think of nothing but it. And that was useless. Useless, meaningless feelings that existed only out of habit. Nothing more, nothing less.</p><p>He watched Lucile tear his eyes from Ferris like clockwork. He didn’t notice him tearing his eyes from Iris, but he already knew why. It had nothing to do with where Lucile was looking.</p><p>That was why Lucile said that he understood, as an expert in thoughts that one didn’t mean to have.</p><p>It wasn’t a pleasant understanding. It wasn’t the sort of connection that people put in their marriage vows. But it also wasn’t the same understanding that existed between Miran and Sion. For them… they were not on the same level. Miran had long since acknowledged it.</p><p>He had thought until now that he wasn’t on the same level as Lucile, either. Not lower, but higher. He had felt that he was above him. Less vile, somehow, yet less weak.</p><p>But that was not the case. They were on the same level. They existed in the same in-between plane, not quite X where Claugh and Luke and all the other regular people existed, and not quite Y where those who were especially exceptional like Sion existed.</p><p>It was Z, or a defect on Z - Ź, Ż, close but not quite.</p><p>It was not comforting, though Lucile seemed comforted by it. It was actually rather infuriating. To admit that he was on the same plane of existence as Lucile, the same cut of human, was the same as admitting that he too was made up only of flaws.</p><p>He never thought of himself as perfect. Of course he understood that he was lacking in many areas, especially those related to proper socialization. He’d been told that enough over the course of his life to know he could do better, if he cared enough to.</p><p>If there was something wrong, then it was only human nature to wonder why. It wasn’t a question that he wanted to answer, but if forced, then of course he could come up with something. Lucile most likely could as well. There was an on switch but no off switch. That was just the nature of things. Even if he tried, even if his father was dead, it remained the same.</p><p>He was stronger than Lucile, so there was no physical proof. But he had noticed the cracks in Lucile long before he saw where they existed physically. So by that logic… </p><p>“……”</p><p>He wondered if others could see the same in himself. The thought filled him with disgust.</p><p>Lucile had that effect on him - always turning his thoughts into this. Into disgust.</p><p>It happened again, again, and again. Every time he thought of him, some aspect of it disgusted Miran.</p><p>Just thinking about it and wallowing in that feeling of disgust was pointless, so he decided to read through Lucile’s poetry anthology instead. He found the poem that Ferris had probably referred to.</p><p>
  <i>“I love you.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Her body became unable to move from those words. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I love you from the bottom of my heart.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Her body couldn’t move from those words.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I love every little bit of you.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Her body… couldn’t move. From fear.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>That was ‘love.’ Even though she was scared… she knew that this was ‘love.’</i>
</p><p>
  <i>‘Love’ meant that everything had turned to despair.</i>
</p><p>It wasn’t difficult to imagine what it was about. It was harder to imagine why Lucile had felt the need to show it to his sister. An attempt to get her to understand him, perhaps. Or was it to warn her?</p><p>It was difficult to say. Not because he didn’t understand. It was more that it was difficult to put in words.</p><p>“Even though she was scared… she knew that this was ‘love,’” Miran repeated, an absentminded habit. He didn’t think that he ever thought that. He had always known that what he felt was not love. Love was… something different. Something that other people experienced, maybe, but not him. So he had not been afraid. But perhaps Lucile… </p><p>“……”</p><p>Miran finished reading the anthology over the next few days, then gave it back to Lucile.</p><p>“Did you like it?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“The author could stand to work on her sentence structure.”</p><p>“Haha. You could rewrite it and send it to her. I think she’s still alive.”</p><p>Miran considered it for a moment before remembering the publication date. “Was it not written over sixty years ago? I doubt that the author still cares, if she is alive at all.”</p><p>“Was it? I thought it was only fifty… Oh well.” </p><p>Fifty years was no different… but it did make him wonder. How old was the author when she wrote that poem? Had she been an older adult? Had it stuck with her for that long?</p><p>When Miran was a child, he was certain that all of his childhood experiences would be easily forgotten the second he was able to get on with his life. But it seemed that was not always the case… </p><p>Lucile recommended a couple more books based on Miran’s feedback. As he watched Lucile pick through the titles, Miran felt that his bookshelf had changed recently. The titles were more vibrant. Less yellowed with time. Was he going to the bookstore often these days, searching for things to read together?</p><p>Miran hoped not. There was a limit to how much he ever wanted to understand another person. But he accepted the recommendations and began to read the first as soon as he was alone.</p><p>He was still getting his work done. Everything was completed in a timely manner. Perhaps he was getting distracted less often, or taking shorter showers, or feeling more awake during the day and therefore working better. But he had the time for reading and for Lucile in addition to his time for work, which used to feel like his entire world.</p><p>To think that this had come from a stalking incident. That the only reason he was here now, reading a complicated anthology written 300 years ago, was because Lucile stalked him.</p><p>It was a detestable act, and Miran was still intent on getting back at him for it. But their relationship didn’t feel quite as empty as it had at first, so he’d have to try something else.</p><p>If he thought that Lucile’s sisters would react much at all to him telling them the truth about their brother, it’d be the low-hanging fruit. But after carefully observing their interactions, he decided against it. </p><p>Most likely Ferris already knew. Lucile kept his distance and she kept hers in return. But on the rare occasion where she tried to talk to him, he shut her down quickly, a swift answer to everything she wanted to ask - Lucile did not want her where he could see her. Though he loved her and was weaker for it, he would only take care of her enough for her to not feel entirely abandoned.</p><p>As for Iris… She was young, and more likely to be scarred from the realization. Telling her and watching her world transform from a child’s to an adult’s would be entertaining, sure, but it would also be the end of everything. Even Miran understood that this was Lucile’s one line. He would not cross it and he would not allow Miran to cross it - if he did, then their strange relationship would end.</p><p>Miran didn’t feel like being involved in the fallout anyway. Not when there were more entertaining ways to settle their score.</p><p>Perhaps he could use Lucile as a living pin cushion, knowing that he disliked pain? That could be fun. </p><p>What they had wasn’t real in the slightest, and even now, Miran was adamant to keep it that way. Yet he still spent so much time thinking about how to get back at Lucile in the most entertaining way possible. </p><p>Revenge was addictive.</p><p>But perhaps the most addictive part of it was the planning stage. Once revenge was exacted, it lost all of the potential it once held. All the possibility. He would regret it forever if it didn’t go perfectly.</p><p>Still, it was hard to find the perfect revenge when he didn’t really have a goal in mind.</p><p>They exchanged books, and Lucile listened to all of his recommendations and took them to heart. He was a good listener, though a bad conversationalist. The opposite of Miran’s father in many ways.</p><p>Was that why he couldn’t think of a good way to punish him? It was difficult to say.</p><p>Months passed without any real progress. They spoke often and spent time together often. Usually at Miran’s, since Lucile’s sisters wouldn’t get in the way there, though occasionally they spent time at Lucile’s as well, as it was an attractive place to be.</p><p>Ah, come to think of it, Lucile was an attractive person to have around. Just when Miran was so used to it that he stopped noticing, a passerby gawked at Lucile just enough to remind him - yes, he was beautiful. Obnoxiously so.</p><p>As for why they walked together enough for Miran to notice that, well… It seemed that Lucile was going out a little more often. Once a week or so he came out to pick Miran up from work.</p><p>It was… strange. Having someone wait for him.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Sion was in a state of excitement. It wasn’t one that normal people could achieve. He knew that. It was one that only those who had stayed up for forty, no, maybe fifty hours straight (he’d lost track) could achieve with the power of caffeine pills dissolved in espresso. He had things to do, and sometimes that meant relinquishing his humanity for the greater good with the power of legal stimulants.<p>But that was beside the point.</p><p>The point was that he had looked out at the sun dropping below the horizon, mesmerized, as another bout of sleep-deprivation induced unreality hit. Sometimes it felt like the sun was melding into his brain and invading him, but then when night fell, it was like the shadows were devouring him… He couldn’t win when he hit this point.</p><p>He couldn’t help staring out the window. He knew that he was at the end of his rope. He knew that he had to turn in. He stood, stretched, and walked over to the window to touch the sun.</p><p>His fingers stopped at the glass, and he jumped. That was how he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time to go to sleep. But then his eyes were drawn to something on the ground.</p><p>“…Ferris?”</p><p>That had to be her. Nobody else was that beautiful. But she had short hair, and… oh, wait, was that her brother? Ferris didn’t usually dress like that. He’d never met Lucile before, but if that was him, then the resemblance was uncanny. </p><p>His back was to the wall of another building on the other side of the road. It looked like he was waiting for someone.</p><p>He wasn’t… waiting for Sion, right?</p><p>No offense to Ferris’ brother, but his sister hadn’t given him the best impression of what he was like. If Ferris was to be believed (and yes, he understood that she wasn’t particularly trustworthy), then her brother was here to commit a crime of extortion.</p><p>But that couldn’t be. There was no reason to ask Sion for money. The Erises had more than he did in the first place.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Sion’s blood suddenly ran cold. It took his sleepless mind a second to realize why - Ferris’ brother was staring right back.</p><p>What was… this feeling? He couldn’t recall ever being this scared before. It was like the emotional side of his mind was malfunctioning from his lack of sleep. But he couldn’t go home to sleep knowing that the only exit was being guarded by someone that even Ferris was scared of… </p><p>Sion took a step back, but then the view changed, and he took a step forward again to get a better view. Despite everything, he realized in the back of his mind that he’d regret it forever if he didn’t watch this until the end. Call it nosiness, but it was his singular lifeline in his endless sea of work he couldn’t ignore, even for sleep.</p><p>Another familiar face had appeared. Lucile’s attention snapped to it.</p><p>It was Froaude. Did they know each other…? It certainly looked like it. They didn’t greet each other with waves or hugs or anything like that (god forbid he ever saw something like that from Froaude; it’d confirm that this was a sleep-deprivation induced hallucination). Instead Froaude nodded curtly, and Lucile smiled, and they began to walk together.</p><p>It was difficult to tell what kind of relationship they had from that alone. Perhaps Froaude was making some kind of deal with Lucile, or perhaps they were friends who spent time together when their schedules allowed it.</p><p>For a moment, Sion resented Ferris for not telling him about this. It was obviously important. Froaude did all sorts of meddlesome things, and this was probably one of them. So he had to know the details. So that it didn’t get <i>too</i> meddlesome.</p><p>He took his cell phone out the second they were out of sight, intent on wringing the details out of Ferris. But once their messages were opened, he recalled that the Eris siblings really weren’t all that close. She might not know. Even if she did know something or other about what her brother did in his free time, she probably didn’t know Froaude all that well and wouldn’t be able to tell Sion the details he was craving.</p><p>He was tired now, and the sun was setting. But tomorrow was a new day. He might not be able to hear it from Lucile, but Froaude would come to work just like always, and he’d hear it then.</p><p>He grabbed his keys out of his office’s desk, left the room, and locked it. Then he unlocked the storage room right next to it. He called it that out of habit, but it had a bed and a mini-fridge now, courtesy of Fiole. He took a sandwich out and ate it slowly, then lay down for a nap.</p><p>By ‘nap’ he meant the six hours he was able to force his mind to bear until the anxiety of sleeping caught up to him and forced him awake.</p><p>But that was fine. Soon the rest of their hard workers (or, in Ryner’s words, the ‘just below Sion-tier workaholics’ would be back for a new day. That included Froaude.</p><p>Sion very rarely invited Froaude to his office. The vast majority of the time, Froaude invited himself, usually for conversations that Sion didn’t want to have, because they’d already had them about twenty times, and having them for a twenty-first time was just a waste of time he could be using to do <i>real</i> work.</p><p>Froaude came to his summons at once.</p><p>“Is there something you’d like…?” </p><p>Sion nodded, a big smile on his face. This might be the first time he ever felt happy to have Froaude in his office. The curse of nosiness, one might say, but wasn’t he allowed this one, simple joy among all the bullshit he usually had to put up with? “I couldn’t help but notice you leaving last night.” </p><p>Froaude looked confused for a brief moment before it clicked. “Ah… yes. Did you.”</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Was that Lucile Eris?”</p><p>It was so fun seeing Froaude’s wide-eyed shock. Cathartic, really. “It was, but… Are you two acquainted?”</p><p>“No, not at all. I just so happen to know his sister, who looks exactly like him.”</p><p>Froaude visibly relaxed. “I see. Yes, that does make sense. The resemblance is clear.”</p><p>“So you know Ferris too?”</p><p>“I have met her.”</p><p>“When?” Sion asked.</p><p>Now Froaude was annoyed. Oh, this was fun. It was so dangerously fun to get back at him for all the extra work he caused. Yes, he also saved Sion a lot of work, but still. Anyone would get annoyed with him from time to time, whether he did good work or not, since the way he did everything was so distasteful. “The specific circumstances are not particularly relevant to our line of work.”</p><p>“Oh, they’re not? What a shame. I suppose I’ll just ask Ferris about it instead, then.”</p><p>“No… that isn’t necessary,” Froaude said.</p><p>So it <i>was</i> something juicy! “If you say so,” Sion said, though he absolutely intended on hitting Ferris up for inside info at the earliest opportunity.</p><p>Froaude frowned. Although it would have been easy for him to leave, he stayed, realizing that he needed to say something. So he did. “Well… if you must know.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“If you must know, Lucile Eris feels indebted to me for something entirely coincidental… and is intent on having his debt be repaid. It is not all that exciting. Even if you were to ask Ferris, she would say the same thing - that her brother is trying to be helpful in a rather useless way. However, if you think of a way to make use of him, then by all means, tell me and I will arrange it.”</p><p>“Hmm… I see.”</p><p>It was a bit disappointing, since Froaude sounded sincere. Talking to Ferris about these things could lead to more lies than truth, so she wasn’t a great source of information. Froaude’s word was more likely to be reliable.</p><p>He’d been hoping for something a bit more dramatic, but he supposed it couldn’t be helped. Besides, he could always embellish it for blackmail fodder later.</p><p>Froaude excused himself. Sion hummed once the door closed. He really stumbled into a gold mine, didn’t he? Lucky!</p><p>Of course he couldn’t resist the urge to talk to Ferris directly about it regardless of what Froaude said. She was more tight-lipped than she was on most subjects, and the very definition of an unreliable narrator, but apparently she had the impression that her brother was dating Froaude.</p><p>What a funny thought.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Lucile’s mind was getting greedy lately.<p>He never used to get bored, but lately he got a little bored sitting in his room doing nothing.</p><p>He wondered what’d happen if he stopped spending time like that at all. What if he had locks put on the doors and locked himself out during the day?</p><p>…He’d just go to the dojo. It would be completely useless.</p><p>But maybe he’d get locks anyway. He never really thought about changing things up before, but Ferris snooped around in his room sometimes out of her curiosity for what real adults got up to in their free time, and as cute as it was, he didn’t think she needed to know about some of the things she could end up stumbling upon.</p><p>Yeah. That might be good.</p><p>But it didn’t solve his current problem.</p><p>What about a job, or something? He didn’t trust Ferris with the house for long periods of time, but maybe there was something he could do here. He’d helped with Ferris’ swordplay lessons growing up, so maybe he could do something like that…?</p><p>Not that he knew how to get that sort of thing started. As much as his parents called him exceptional growing up, they didn’t put too much effort into making sure he had essential skills for living as anyone other than what they wanted him to be. Intentionally, of course.</p><p>At times like this, he went through his usual routine. Go to the dojo, meditate, then come back, unable to empty his mind completely, and think about Miran instead - that was his day-to-day life, on the days where he didn’t go to see Miran in person.</p><p>It sounded boring, and in fact was, now that he’d gotten a human-like sense of boredom back after breaking his from the past few years of over-exposure… but even now it worked for his purposes. So he gave into his routine, at least for now.</p><p>He opened his phone and moved to his pictures, but for some reason, it decided to show him his camera instead. So it showed him an objective view of himself.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He looked a little different than he used to, didn’t he? Though it was hard to place what had changed… Was he getting older?</p><p>…Obviously. Time was always passing. He was supposed to change as it passed. That was normal. </p><p>He changed it to pictures and scrolled down his camera roll. It was filled with Miran. He never said anything about Lucile taking pictures even though he definitely noticed sometimes.</p><p>Not long ago, he’d felt that it’d be overwhelming to see each other more than once a week. But now… well, maybe it’d be nice.</p><p>Lately he was reading a lot, and in some books, there were people who lived together and spoke with each other every day. Not because they were related, but because they loved each other.</p><p>Maybe the feeling he had for Miran was love. Or maybe it wasn’t. But if they lived a life like that… hmm. What would it be like?</p><p>They’d wake up in the same bed together, go about their days together, and then go to sleep together, too, just like people in love did. It wouldn’t be one day a week. It would be every single day until they died.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Maybe that’d be a little too much. Lucile liked to be alone, and he was pretty sure that Miran did too. But there was a limit to how often he wanted to be alone like that. It used to be a different limit, but now… now he was starting to miss Miran after a few days.</p><p>It was like his mind had forgotten all about how long they’d gone without socializing before Miran. Now it was getting greedy.</p><p>He wondered if Miran ever felt the same.</p><p>Mm… he wanted to hear his voice. Not just a recording, but the real Miran. Would he be shocked if Lucile called him now? He’d never done it before. It never even occurred to him before. </p><p>So he called Miran.</p><p>Surprisingly he picked up almost immediately.</p><p>“You,” Miran said.</p><p>“Did I catch you in a bad mood?”</p><p>“…No. <i>However.</i>”</p><p>So yes, basically.</p><p>“However, my employer happened to see you the other day when you came to walk with me…”</p><p>“Are you embarrassed?”</p><p>“…The point here is that he recognized you as Lucile Eris.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yes. Apparently he is acquainted with your sister. Do you happen to know a Sion Astal…?”</p><p>“Um… I think he’s on-and-off with Ferris’ best friend. From what I’ve heard.”</p><p>“…I see.” Miran sounded disappointed.</p><p>Ahh… not just a little disappointed, either. It sounded like a special kind of disappointment.</p><p>So that was Miran’s type, huh? It felt a bit strange learning about someone that Miran genuinely liked after worming his way into his life how he did.</p><p>“What will you do?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“…There is not much to do except for my job… In the first place, you are the problem here. I am not.”</p><p>“Haha.” It didn’t sound like Miran realized his disappointment himself. Oh well. Things were easier that way. “Are you telling me to stop going to see you? You’ve never complained about it before. It almost seemed like you liked it, actually… You don’t get to talk about your day with anyone else, do you? Even if it’s just what happened at work.”</p><p>“Naturally the best place to talk about work is at work. Though you may not understand, of course, since you do nothing with your time…”</p><p>“Mm. I was thinking about doing something… Maybe classes, since we have a dojo…”</p><p>“You would be better off hiring someone else for that,” Miran said without hesitation. “You are not suited to teaching in the slightest.”</p><p>“I see. I’ll do that, then.”</p><p>Their conversation continued a little longer as they talked about various menial things, then they hung up, as Miran was adamant that he still had work to do.</p><p>“…Sion, huh?” Lucile mumbled to the tone. </p><p>He was curious. It was strange wanting to ask Ferris something after so long, but… They lived together, and it was just asking her about someone else. It was fine, wasn’t it? Couldn’t he ask her?</p><p>He went downstairs, where Ferris and Iris were doing… something. It was difficult to tell sometimes. It looked like some kind of game, but they stopped as soon as he walked up to them.</p><p>“You know a Sion, don’t you?” Lucile asked Ferris.</p><p>“Yeah!” Iris answered, oblivious to the fact that he’d asked Ferris instead. “He comes to our dango parties! And he brings lots of dango to them! He’s our dog!”</p><p>“…Your dog?”</p><p>“Yeah! Um, he tells us stories and plays fetch!”</p><p>“So he’s like Ryner,” Lucile said.</p><p>Ferris nodded. “Not as well-trained, though.”</p><p>“I see. What else?”</p><p>She looked really suspicious. It was amazing sometimes the emotion she could convey through not conveying any real emotion. “Why are you asking?”</p><p>“I was just wondering.”</p><p>“Why were you wondering?” Iris asked.</p><p>“Because Miran knows him.”</p><p>Ferris and Iris exchanged a look, somehow pleased.</p><p>Hm. Miran would probably be the subject of their dango party gossip session next time, wouldn’t he? Well, what he didn’t know wouldn’t kill him… “Just don’t tell Miran that I asked,” Lucile said. “He looks like he’d be good at hiding bodies. Don’t you think?”</p><p>The atmosphere went cold.</p><p>Strange. He didn’t think it was that bad of a joke.</p><p>Oh well.</p><p>“…I don’t like him!” Iris finally said to break the silence. “Can’t you find a better friend?”</p><p>“Why don’t you like him?” Lucile asked. He pretty much understood why already, but he wanted to hear it from her.</p><p>“He, um, he doesn’t like me! He makes faces when I talk to him! He’s way too mean!!”</p><p>That was more civil than Lucile expected. Miran didn’t have the same attachments to his sisters that Lucile had, so he had no real reason to be nice to them. Then again, both of his sisters could probably kick Miran’s ass, so… It might just be his sense of self-preservation kicking in.</p><p>“I won’t find a better friend,” Lucile finally said. “I like him. Even though he’s really mean sometimes, and not that great of a person. We’re similar. I like spending time with him…”</p><p>His sisters didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know what to say either.</p><p>None of them were very good at these things, were they? They were similar too… </p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile tried to swallow his circular thoughts. “Anyway. He’ll keep coming over. You don’t have to like him, though. So he doesn’t have to like you either.”</p><p>Iris stuck out her tongue and went “bleeeh!” the second he turned his back. But that was fine. They didn’t have to like him. Sure, sometimes he missed them, but he was comfortable with this level of distance. It was better this way.</p>
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</div>Miran was still a little annoyed about Lucile picking him up for work, but it wouldn’t last and they both knew it. So Lucile still showed up sometimes to get him. It was fun predicting the exact moment he’d come out. He was basically an expert in Miran psychology by now, so he was right a surprising amount of the time.<p>Miran greeted him with a nod. Then they began their walk back. Sometimes that chatted, and sometimes Miran continued to work the whole way. Today he was still working.</p><p>That was fine, though. Just walking together was enough.</p><p>He thought that twice - once while they were silent, then a second time in the instant that Miran began to speak, because he knew that Miran was going to say something unpleasant, as any expert in Miran psychology would know.</p><p>“Have you really given up on killing yourself?” Miran asked as he continued to answer emails on his phone, as if it was a fine choice in conversation given the circumstances. If he noticed that everyone that heard turned to look, he didn’t show it.</p><p>“How sudden.”</p><p>“Not really. Many people who never fell to your level have ended their lives before. So I’m curious.”</p><p>Lucile closed his eyes. “I’d be more impressed if they made it to my level.”</p><p>“Certainly, it is impressive in a way. Few could live with the reality of being you.”</p><p>“…I wonder if anyone’s said that to you before,” Lucile said. Because it sounded a little practiced. Too familiar with a topic that was supposed to be Lucile’s.</p><p>Miran didn’t say anything. But he did put his phone away.</p><p>Miran, of course, was correct on all accounts. Maybe the right thing to do would have been to die the very moment he thought that he’d be happy marrying his sister. Or maybe that was fine, since he’d only been four, but when he thought about raping her when he was twelve and the thought first entered his mind, he definitely lost any right to humanity he was born with, if he was born with any in the first place.</p><p>But he’d learned something since then. Even though he was attracted to his own family, he was also attracted to Miran, who was nothing like Ferris or Iris. They were as different as people could get. So maybe Miran was his innate taste. Maybe if he’d been born somewhere else, he would’ve only fallen for Miran, and no one else.</p><p>Of course the opposite was possible, too. But the point was that he could live with this obsession. His mind was capable of other things, too, after all. He could have other thoughts too. Miran didn’t love him, but he was obsessive in his own way. And he was willing to watch the moon’s reflection on the water together. With Lucile. Out of everyone, he chose to spend tonight with Lucile. That had to mean something.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile didn’t enjoy sleeping together all that much. Miran didn’t either. It was more painful than anything, though occasionally they reached some level of mutual pleasure. But that was why. That was why he felt this way now. Lucile wasn’t the only person who struggled with those things. He’d known that before, too, conceptually… There was no single person in the world who suffered more than anyone else. There had to be others who shared his thoughts, too.</p><p>So he had to wonder. If Lucile was better off dead because of those things, then what about Miran? </p><p>Of course Lucile didn’t want him to die. He wanted Miran to live and stand here with him and watch days turn to night with him as he walked Miran home no matter what disgusting thoughts might be occupying his mind.</p><p>“…I have come to peace with things,” Lucile said.</p><p>“Things?”</p><p>“Mm. Nobody needs me… I’m living, but not because anyone really wants me to be alive. If given the chance, most people would want me dead.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“That means I can just do whatever I want, right? I want to spend tonight walking outside instead of being at home. I often feel this way.”</p><p>“You are a very selfish person to come to that conclusion.”</p><p>“Haha. Do you really act selflessly? Or are you just doing whatever you want, too…?”</p><p>Miran furrowed his eyebrows as if to say ‘of course I have my reasons; I am not selfish like you.’ But he didn’t object out loud. So even he probably realized that his reasons wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny. </p><p>So it was fine.</p><p>Lucile would selfishly enjoy the warm sunset on his skin, and he’d enjoy the feeling of it fading into a lukewarm winter night. And if Miran would so selfishly join him, who was he to say no?</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Illuminating Tomorrow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His hands were dry.</p><p>Of course they were, right? Anyone’s hands would be dry from all the shit Lucile put his through. They’d been dry for the majority of the past few years. He used lotion every now and then, when they cracked painfully, but lately that wasn’t really enough.</p><p>It was silly, but he didn’t want Miran to think they were gross, so he wanted them to be a little more presentable.</p><p>So he went out. To buy cotton gloves and vaseline.</p><p>There was only so much regular lotion could do, but a couple days of a more serious treatment would leave them looking about as good as new. At least, that was the plan. Maybe they’d still feel a little dry, but at this point, anything was an improvement.</p><p>It wasn’t like he lived in a constant state of horrid, cracking hands. It was a more recent thing.</p><p>He used to cut fairly frequently, but now he was avoiding it when possible. His first line of defense was Miran, but that wasn’t a real solution. Lucile’s problems always ran deeper than what an obsession over one person could solve. Sure, Miran lessened the urge to do drastic things by quite a bit, but in his weakest moments, Lucile still had the strong urge to harm himself.</p><p>At first the only thing that worked was to try to ruin the source of his problems. Nowadays he tried to manage by ruining his hands instead.</p><p>…That made it sound worse. But dry hands could be fixed. One night of vaseline and they were good as new. It was completely different from the scars he’d be seeing on himself, reminding him of his flaws until the day he died.</p><p>The vaseline was nice. It was a little unpleasant of a sensation when it first went on, too heavy and sticky to forget, but after washing it off, the difference was stark. He kept touching his hands because they were so much softer than he was used to.</p><p>To think that he would have never fixed them if not for Miran. He just would’ve let them get worse and worse. But now he could touch Miran without thinking too hard even if it’d been a long week. A day or two of vaseline would fix it.</p><p>It’d be even simpler if he just never dried his skin. But that’d be awhile yet. For now, his focus was the scars. He was tired of seeing new ones and thinking about how he still couldn’t control his mind. At least the gloves were fairly innocuous - nobody would see them and come to the correct conclusion.</p><p>…Well, that wasn’t true. Miran might. But that was fine. Miran already knew the worst of him. Some ugly gloves every now and then wouldn’t kill him.</p>
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</div>“…That is all,” Miran said and bowed to show himself out.<p>“Wait a second,” Sion said just as Miran moved to leave his office after finishing everything he needed to do for the day. “I had dango with Ferris and Iris yesterday.”</p><p>All Miran could do was stare. It was just… so unexpected, yet somehow, so absolutely expected… that all he could do was stare.</p><p>“I thought you might be interested. Since you’re close enough to them to go over every so often nowadays.”</p><p>Miran felt his eye twitch. “With a report due in a week’s time…?”</p><p>Sion scowled, but let it slide with a forced smile and mocking tone. “We all have to destress somehow.”</p><p>“…Right…”</p><p>It was irritating, to be frank. What he did in his free time was none of Sion’s business.</p><p>But now Miran had to know. Because it was definitely his business when Sion so pointedly when out of his way to butt his head in.</p><p>“I assume that you also spoke to their brother while you were there?” Miran asked. He didn’t really trust Lucile to say anything sensible, so if they’d spoken, it would really be a problem. </p><p>“Er… well, no. I waited to see if he’d ever come around, but he never did.”</p><p>“Yes, I doubt he would have any interest in you,” Miran said, though it was a complete lie. Lucile would be interested because of his proximity to Miran. But he didn’t want Sion to know that. It was already invasive enough to gossip with Lucile’s sisters about them - he’d worked here long enough to know that was exactly what they spent their so-called dango party doing. “In any case, I was about to leave. Please finish your work by tonight instead of leaving to gossip again.”</p><p>Sion didn’t respond, so Miran left.</p><p>He didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing that Lucile was waiting across the street for him, just like he often did nowadays. </p><p>“…Why the gloves?” Miran asked. It was rather automatic. Afterwards he regretted letting Lucile think that he cared about the reason. He was only curious.</p><p>Today Lucile came to get him with cotton gloves on. They looked a bit out of place, mostly because they were a bright white without blemish, despite being the sort of cheap gloves that nobody ever bought for anything but to dirty as opposed to their own hands, and Lucile so rarely bought new things.</p><p>“They were dry,” Lucile said. “My hands, I mean.” Then he pulled his sleeves down over his gloves. Had he not been aware how much his gloves stood out until now? How typical of him.</p><p>“In this weather?” Miran asked. It was rainy lately, and dry skin was the last complaint anyone should have.</p><p>Lucile nodded. “The soap I have at home is a bit strong. So…”</p><p>Come to think of it, Lucile did seem to wash his hands harshly fairly often when the cameras were in place. Apparently it was a habit that remained unchanged regardless of whether anyone was there to witness it happening or not. No, perhaps ‘compulsion’ was a better word than ‘habit’. </p><p>Lucile looked up, back to the building Miran had left not long ago. He smiled in a way that wasn’t all too pleasant, especially when it was directed towards Miran’s workplace. “Is that Sion?”</p><p>Miran followed his gaze to Sion’s second floor office. Sure enough. “It is.”</p><p>“You could put the cameras up in his office. If you want.”</p><p>“Ah…”</p><p>He’d thought of it before, actually. Unfortunately, Sion was exceptionally capable and observant and would no doubt throw them away hours after they were placed.</p><p>Plus, he never left his office for long enough to place anything. He was always right there or close enough to hear lockpicking attempts. A shame.</p><p>Seeing his reluctance, Lucile’s expression changed. “Do you want to surprise him?”</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>“You could kiss me.”</p><p>“…No.”</p><p>“Haha. I thought so. But he looks so curious. It would be funny.” </p><p>“I would greatly prefer that you do not put incorrect thoughts in his head. Your sisters have been spreading rumors, I gather. And now you mean to falsely confirm them for fun?”</p><p>“You make it sound like we never kiss. I don’t think he’s wrong if he thinks we’re dating. Unless you have a better word for whatever it is that we do?”</p><p>Miran opened his mouth to argue or even present an alternative, but nothing that came to mind sounded especially convincing. So he closed it again. </p><p>…Lucile was very hard to argue against. He knew that fairly well by now. It wasn’t that Lucile was always right, because that most certainly was not the case. If anything he was usually wrong. It was just the way that he said things that was difficult to argue against, even when the content of his arguments was usually subpar at best.</p><p>In any case.</p><p>“You ought to stop coming, really,” Miran insisted. “He only gets more and more curious the more often he sees you…”</p><p> “That’s hardly my fault. He sounds like the kind of person who would stick his nose anywhere he knows that it’s not welcomed. If it wasn’t me with you, it would just be someone else. Unless you planned to live in solitude until you died.”</p><p>Well, yes, that <i>had</i> been his plan. Originally.</p><p>There was no reason to live with another. He was perfectly capable of doing everything himself. Yet somehow their day-to-day lives mixed more and more…</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile most likely wanted to come home with him to sleep together. There was no other reason to accompany him back - he hadn’t finished the book he borrowed (he was a slower reader than Miran, and having watched him read, he understood exactly why - Lucile had an amazing ability to zone out for ten, fifteen minutes at a time if left uninterrupted).</p><p>Of course he hadn’t brought the book back to read, either. His gloved hands were empty, and he didn’t have a bag or anything of the sort.</p><p>Still, they talked about this and that on the way back. More than they would have months ago. They still had long lapses of silence between them, but as Lucile did more throughout his days, he had more to talk about. He wasn’t nearly as empty as he had been when they first met.</p><p>He still followed Miran’s gaze - to dogs passing by on leashes, to coats and designer shoes of passersby - instead of looking at things that interested himself, and he still failed to come up with a reasonable change of topic if one conversation began to die out. But they spoke. So the walk home felt rather short.</p><p>Perhaps it was only short in contrast to what would happen now that they were back. Or rather, now that Miran was back. Lucile was only a short-term visitor.</p><p>“…You look like you want something,” Lucile said.</p><p>He had it backwards. He only wanted what Lucile wanted. “An odd thing to say as someone who followed me home with a goal in mind.”</p><p>“My goal was to walk home with you.”</p><p>Right… “But now you are here. You did not leave at the door. So you must have an additional goal in mind.”</p><p>Lucile only smiled. “Are you wanting something? You can tell me if you do.”</p><p>“I do not want anything from you.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>But he couldn’t stand just sitting there when Lucile was clearly here for something, so Miran ended up making the first move anyway in the form of leading Lucile to his bedroom and closing the door behind them.</p><p>“I guess you wanted something after all,” Lucile said. He removed his gloves, and sure enough, his hands looked to be in better condition than usual. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have dragged me here.”</p><p>“No… not particularly.”</p><p>“Are you asking me to decide the specifics, then?”</p><p>“By all means.”</p><p>“Then I’d like to blow you,” Lucile said.</p><p>“……”</p><p>It wasn’t an odd request. In fact, if it was surprising, it was only because it was so normal. Yet it tugged at Miran’s throat in a distracting way. How to say… receiving was not something he enjoyed. If he had to pick one or the other, he’d always prefer to give.</p><p>“Are you sure that you wouldn’t rather have it the other way?” Miran asked. “It would be more pleasurable for you…”</p><p>“Here I thought you wanted me to decide.”</p><p>As always, Lucile was difficult to argue against.</p><p>They were several months in now, but they never did anything like this. Usually it was… odder. Less invasive due to its extreme oddity. Lucile did want him, but in such a broad way that it was easy to cater to him.</p><p>This was narrow, though. There was only one way to satisfy the urge he stated.</p><p>Miran let him do it. Naturally he let him do it.</p><p>Lucile was slow and curious to the point of requiring intervention. He started his his hands, as Miran wasn’t hard in the slightest, and he seemed to think that he ought to be before using his mouth.</p><p>“I do not have all day,” Miran insisted. “Although I do not mean to rush you… If you would go a bit…”</p><p>“Faster?”</p><p>“Yes…”</p><p>Lucile moved his hands a bit faster, then Miran used his own hands to urge Lucile to go faster than that. Only then did his body respond to the request.</p><p>How soon could he get Lucile to finish him? He was inexperienced, so it might be difficult. If possible Miran wanted to be done in ten minutes, but… </p><p>“Miran.”</p><p>Miran met his eyes.</p><p>“You really don’t enjoy this stuff at all.”</p><p>Physically, that wasn’t entirely true. His body was clearly reacting. It wasn’t wholly stiff in Lucile’s hand, but it was certainly getting there. “Weren’t you going to use your mouth?” Miran asked. “It is difficult to respond adequately to one thing when you claimed you would be doing another.”</p><p>Lucile maintained eye contact for a moment, then closed his eyes and moved Miran’s cock to his open mouth. The precum grazed the corner of his lips, leaving a mark. Then he took it in his mouth, running his tongue around it, opening his eyes once more to gauge for a reaction.</p><p>…He wasn’t terrible. And the sight of precum on his lips was hard to tear his eyes from. Lucile Eris was a very attractive man indeed.</p><p>Honestly, it came as a surprise. He wasn’t excellent. But his technique was very different from what Miran was used to. It still didn’t feel amazing. It still wasn’t something he wanted to waste his day doing. But he was starting to understand why some people enjoyed this enough to request it.</p><p>Before long Lucile had established an appropriate rhythm. He couldn’t fit it all in his throat, but he tried, and the suffocated sounds that came with every earnest attempt were the most charming part of the experience, especially when paired with the sweat on his face and the increasing effort of breathing he could feel from Lucile’s body against his legs.</p><p>He wasn’t doing anything at all, but he was still rendering Lucile breathless. Occasionally he would open his ocean blue eyes to look up at Miran, as he was obsessive, and his number one priority was to see how Miran responded to his actions for his own pleasure, as opposed to taking action to pleasure Miran.</p><p>“……”</p><p>How did he respond? When Lucile opened his eyes in those moments, did he like what he saw? Was it worth suffocating to see?</p><p>Apparently Lucile thought it was, as he continued to push himself towards his limit, paying no mind to his own gagging or the spit dripping down his chin.</p><p>“…Mm, mmf—”</p><p>Miran held his breath as Lucile moaned around him. Physically, it was stimulating. So his body responded in kind.</p><p>He could have let Lucile sit there and force his cum down, but after watching him choke for so long, a change of pace sounded nice. So he pushed Lucile’s head back just so, enough to tell him to pull away.</p><p>Lucile did. There he waited patiently for Miran’s cum on his face, his mouth still open just so, as if hoping some would still land inside of his mouth. He was especially attractive like that. He’d made fun of it many times before, but he was starting to understand Lucile’s obsession with taking pictures… </p><p>“…Can I lick it?” Lucile asked after a moment. “While it’s still warm…”</p><p>“Ah… if you must.”</p><p>Apparently he did have to, as he took great care to lick at the cum on his lips, then use his fingers to take what had hit his cheek, eyelid, and nose. Once he gathered it off, he sucked it off of his fingers one by one. That was easily the least attractive part of it. Especially since he maintained eye contact.</p><p>“You taste good,” Lucile said. He seemed to think it was funny that Miran was staring back, as he smiled, the sort of smile where it looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. Like he was having far too much fun, and not in the way one would expect one to enjoy this.</p><p>Miran had the urge to push him away. He held it back. He couldn’t give Lucile the satisfaction, even if his face was just begging for it. “You should… shower. Wash it off.” Not that Lucile had left much to wash. He was thorough if anything.</p><p>Lucile nodded and stood up faster than usual, walking with more energy than usual to the bathroom without another word.</p><p>Miran covered himself, then lay back in his bed and closed his eyes to the sound of the shower starting up.</p><p>What was he doing…?</p><p>It was a thought that often entered his mind as of late.</p><p>What was he doing, and did it matter if it was worthwhile or not? He told Sion not too long ago that he was free to do whatever he wanted in his free time. But he still couldn’t help but feel that there was something wrong about it.</p><p>His father had died just last year. On that day Miran was certain that he would never stand that close to another human again, much less touch another ever again. The thought was so abhorrent that he never bothered to rethink his stance on it. Then a few things happened, and now he was here. Waiting as Lucile showered. He probably could have just cleaned his face, but… the encounter likely left him hard, knowing that he was so easy to please, so he would be awhile. </p><p>Frankly, they didn’t know each other very well. Miran could guess what had happened for much of Lucile’s life through things he and his sisters had implied, but it wasn’t quite the same level of knowing as living with someone for the majority of his life. He wanted to say that was why he wasn’t as disgusted when it was Lucile. Because he didn’t know him well enough to be disgusted. But that wasn’t true. He knew more horrible things about Lucile than tolerable things.</p><p>Miran felt nothing when the water turned off. He had no mounting sense of annoyance or dread. Just the vague feeling that he should eat soon, if anything.</p><p>He used to feel far worse after sex. But today… If anything he felt that he could focus better now.</p><p>He didn’t really feel the need to kick Lucile out. So he didn’t.</p><p>Instead they ate together. After that, Lucile read his books in another room for a while as Miran worked. He knew this because he set the cameras he got from Lucile up to see each entrance of his house to prevent repeats of past events. </p><p>To be clear, Lucile did know that the cameras were there. Miran had told them. That was perhaps the largest reason why he wasn’t getting off into Miran’s used clothes or something, but it was a simple solution, if so.</p><p>Still, even if Lucile claimed that they were ‘basically dating’ by now, Miran wasn’t sure that he could ever agree as long as he had to keep cameras in his house to be certain that Lucile behaved.</p><p>With them, he did behave… to the extent that Miran still hadn’t kicked him out hours later when he was thinking of sleeping for the night.</p><p>“…What are you looking at?” Lucile asked.</p><p>They were lying in Miran’s bed. The lights were out, but Miran’s phone had buzzed, so he picked it back up. Then one thing led to another and half an hour later he still hadn’t put it down.</p><p>He was so used to Lucile staring at everything he did that he hardly registered it anymore.<br/>
“Nothing,” Miran said.</p><p>“What kind of nothing?”</p><p>“Work.”</p><p>“You were looking at something for work for the first ten minutes. Then you started looking at something else.”</p><p>Miran clicked off his phone’s display. His eyes took a moment to adjust to the dark, but when they did, he met Lucile’s eyes. Despite being in bed together, they weren’t all that close. Nor were they indecent.</p><p>They had slept together today, yes. But it was their first time laying together in about a month.</p><p>Lucile’s old habits died hard, so rather than sex being an in-and-out affair as Miran was used to, nowadays it was usually more… catering to whatever strange fantasies and fetishes Lucile had. Things like letting Lucile lap up his spit, kissing the sweat off of his arms… And then when he was finished, he used Miran’s toothbrush to wash it out. That was their norm, so no matter how he looked at it, today’s encounter was surprisingly decent. Though that didn’t mean it was better. Miran found himself preferring their usual. It was so absurd that it was more funny than anything.</p><p>That had been why Lucile followed him home, but… hours had passed since then. Miran supposed this was what happened when he neglected to tell Lucile to leave - he stayed. </p><p>“Were you looking at something fun?” Lucile pressed now that Miran’s phone was off. “The look in your eyes changed. Ten minutes in.”</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>“You just looked fond.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Want me to guess?” Lucile asked. He was awfully talkative tonight, wasn’t he. A side effect from his satisfaction, perhaps.</p><p>Miran didn’t typically enjoy catering to Lucile. But it was blurring, the line that he used to refer to so often. The line between what he found disgusting and flattering. So he allowed Lucile the occasional night of satisfaction. And today really wasn’t so bad, considering what it could have been. “If you’d like.”</p><p>“I think you were looking at dogs,” Lucile said. “That’s the same face you made this evening when we passed someone’s dog. I think you must have signed up for an email about them a long time ago and never got around to unsubscribing.”</p><p>…Correct on all accounts.</p><p>This was the problem with ‘dating’ his stalker. There weren’t many things about him that Lucile was unable to guess. But he rarely brought anything up directly. He only did it if he meant for the conversation to go somewhere.</p><p>“Why exactly are you pressing the matter?” Miran asked.</p><p>“You don’t have a dog. Because you work too much, right?”</p><p>“That is correct.”</p><p>“But you like them. You’ve always wanted one. And I have time. I could care for one while you’re at work.”</p><p>This was difficult. Lucile was getting better at talking to him by the day. That was how he came up with these plots to tip the scales in his favor.</p><p>Miran had wanted a dog since he was a child, but never got the chance. He simply worked too much to keep one. But Lucile’s only real job was to keep his estate in order… Even if he got a real job, from their conversations, it sounded like it would be more of a hands-off management than anything. So he certainly had time, and would continue to have time for the foreseeable future.</p><p>Wouldn’t agreeing give Lucile what he wanted, though? It would give him permission to come into Miran’s home. Alone, even, if the dog needed to be let out during the day.</p><p>“I could keep it at my house during the day,” Lucile said, as if reading his mind.</p><p>“Then I would have to see you daily.”</p><p>“Haha. But you’d also get a dog to cuddle with instead.”</p><p>…Indeed he would. “You are offering to help me keep your replacement.”</p><p>“Strange. You’ve never made me sleep in a dog house before.”</p><p>“I imagine you would be at home inside of one, considering your rather dog-like inclinations,” Miran said.</p><p>“Perhaps. I suppose it depends on how comfortable it is inside. But you haven’t given me an answer yet.”</p><p>“I would not… mind,” Miran finally said.</p><p>What was he doing…? Even Miran wasn’t sure. It could not realistically be called fake dating if they owned a dog together and saw each other daily. But… was it that important, if it appeared real to others or not?</p><p>The longer he wondered about it, the less he seemed to care.</p><p>Did Sion know? Not for certain, but he had his guesses, some of which were fairly close to the truth. Did it matter? Not especially. He was getting everything done. If Sion didn’t bother him about Lucile, it would be about Miran’s ideals or his methods or some other criticism that had nothing to do with anything, since work wasn’t always as clean as Sion wanted it to be, and it was better if he learned that sooner than later.</p><p>Their conversation ended with that. But the night did not. Of course Miran tried to sleep - he had work the following day, and although Lucile was present, he was not making any active effort to be distracting.</p><p>However. Lucile was unintentionally very distracting.</p><p>At first it was because he was too still; Miran was used to being watched by Lucile now, but it was still a bit distracting opening his eyes every now and then to see eyes staring back at him. Even when he turned around, he could still tell that Lucile was watching by his stillness. Normally one who meant to sleep would move from side to side, rearranging themselves to the point of most comfort as it shifted throughout the night. Lucile was not doing that, so he wasn’t trying to sleep.</p><p>Not that Lucile was ever all that successful in sleeping. Miran remembered that all too well from the cameras.</p><p>Today was the in-person version of watching the cameras.</p><p>For hours at a time Lucile was too still. Then, just as Miran managed to sleep despite it, he woke to the sound of the sink. On and off, on and off. Between the sink and Lucile coming and going from bed, it was extremely difficult to sleep.</p><p>Did Lucile even realize what he was doing? Surely he was aware. Perhaps at home he could just use whatever distractions he had collected, but here, all he had was Miran trying to ignore him well enough to sleep. Evidently that was not enough.</p><p>Then, for the first time that night, after hours of this, Lucile pressed his head to Miran’s back as he held his breath so as to not disturb him. As if he thought that Miran could sleep through any of this. Slowly he resumed normal, quiet breathing, and several minutes later his arms followed to wrap around Miran.</p><p>“……”</p><p>It was no easier to sleep like that. Not for Miran. But apparently it was for Lucile, who was out soon after for the first time that night.</p><p>Many times over the course of the night he wondered what he was doing. Lucile would have been fine even if he kicked him out. But he’d been curious to see how it’d play out, so Lucile stayed until Miran left for work the following morning.</p>
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</div>It was strange, Ferris thought.<p>Her brother had always been strange, of course. He was the strangest person she knew. Easily. He only got weirder the more she learned about him, so she felt justified in her decision to stay as far away as possible, if she could help it.</p><p>Because… he was dangerous. He could kill people without remorse. Stalk them without remorse. And what confirmed voyeur wasn’t also a rapist? It was only a matter of time before the authorities caught up with his heinous behavior.</p><p>But for all the scary things he did, Lucile seemed oddly… different now.</p><p>He used to go weeks at a time without leaving his room. No, maybe he did leave, but only to go to the dojo alone or get food when no one else was awake. It was almost like… like how in novels set in prison, they were forced to stay inside their cells for years and years. Nobody forced him to, but they might as well have. That was how little he had left the house.</p><p>But now? Now they saw each other a little more.</p><p>Locking eyes used to make Ferris feel dirty, somehow. Her brother’s eyes were too intense. She hated it when he looked at her, whether from in front or from behind - she could always feel it, hear him - his breath changed when he looked at her, whether she looked back or not.</p><p>He avoided her, and she avoided him, and that was how they kept things peaceful. That was their relationship for the past several years.</p><p>But now it was a little less unpleasant. His gaze didn’t settle on her for nearly as long now. It snapped back to his phone receiving a text, or to his boyfriend who he brought home every now and then.</p><p>That was what had changed. Lucile… didn’t fall in love. He wasn’t capable of that stuff. She would know. Killers were villains, not protagonists, and villains never fell in love. They were only used for rape scenes. But Lucile fell for someone, somehow, in his own voyeuristic way. And somehow the object of his affections returned them at least enough to come over from time to time and… and… </p><p>She felt her face heat up. She didn’t have to think about it. She didn’t have to!! But she heard it once, and… and…!!</p><p>N, no…!! The forbidden thought of her brother being ravished by another man! But she’d heard it so clearly, even with how quiet her brother usually was! He really had been—!!  </p><p>She’d immediately called Ryner to discuss it. Ryner had said that it was ‘whatever.’ That Lucile had ‘probably just found someone who was as much of a freak as he was.’ </p><p>That was most likely true, yes, but it didn’t make hearing it on rare occasions any better. It was just too much! If she ever b, brought someone home, there was absolutely no conceivable way that he would hear anything from the encounter! She wanted to die from embarrassment at the thought alone.</p><p>Though… that wasn’t the only feeling it brought to mind. The other feeling was… what was it?</p><p>She hadn’t known what to think a year ago, when her brother crossed her path to leave the house on the evening of her birthday. He had looked so… so… </p><p>“……”</p><p>She didn’t have the words to describe the expression she saw then, nor did she have the words to describe what she had felt seeing it. But her chest had clenched at the sight. She had felt like if she didn’t say anything then, that she’d never have another chance.</p><p>She didn’t cry. She just wasn’t a crier. But if something had happened to him then, she was sure that she would have cried. They weren’t close, but she didn’t want him to die. She didn’t want him to go. They were supposed to be a family of three now. Two wasn’t enough. Maybe that was just leftover emotion from when she was a kid and Lucile protected her. He used to read to her whenever he got the time and help her sleep when she was unable to do it by herself. But maybe it was genuine, even now. Was it? She didn’t know. Emotions weren’t her strong point.</p><p>Either way, she’d been… something. She’d felt something. Anxiety, maybe. It had felt like the world was veering towards a change she never wanted to see, no matter how little they spoke to each other. It had felt like things might end sooner than she ever wanted them to.</p><p>But now things were different. Lucile went out all the time, sometimes even staying out overnight - she worried the first time, but after hearing that he’d just been with his boyfriend, she relaxed. He never looked like how he had looked then. No, if she had to place it… he looked closer to being happy than he had in a long, long time.</p><p>She still didn’t really trust him. Not around her and not around Iris. But she was pleased that he was turning his perversions towards an equally perverted man instead. It was a marked improvement over him locking himself in his room for the majority of the day for four years straight.</p><p>She heard a noise. The door to the garden opening. Iris would run in, but nobody ran in, so it was safe to say that it was her brother.</p><p>“Ferris, what do you think about dogs?” Lucile asked as soon as he noticed her.</p><p>“…Dogs?” Ferris repeated. She turned from her place in the kitchen to look. Her brother had brought his boyfriend home again. She was already used to it. She didn’t like the guy, but he seemed to make him happy, so she turned a blind eye when she could. “What are you planning to do with a dog? You aren’t planning on… on…”</p><p>Her brother’s boyfriend made a face.</p><p>“I’m not interested in doing those things with dogs,” Lucile said.</p><p>Ferris’ eyes moved from Lucile to his boyfriend. Could he be the one, then…!?</p><p>“Miran isn’t into dogs either. He is into videos of men hanging themselves.” </p><p>“Wh-wh—!?”</p><p>Lucile laughed as if it was meant to be a joke. Even his boyfriend scoffed.</p><p>Was something about what he said funny…? Was that what ‘funny’ was supposed to be? She couldn’t tell at all!</p><p>She took back everything nice she’d just thought about them. They were both horrible. This proved it. She’d better keep them as far away from Iris as she could. Who knew what they might try to impart on her delicate mind!?</p>
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</div>Lucile left the majority of the decisions to Miran. Because he liked to be the one in control.<p>Miran decided how often they met and how long they saw each other. Miran decided if they spoke with each other during the day over the phone or not. Miran decided if they had sex or not.</p><p>Most people would probably dislike having a lopsided relationship like that, but it seemed to make Miran feel a lot better about things. Yes, Lucile had stalked him, but now he was trained to sit and roll over on command. That kind of thing.</p><p>It wasn’t necessarily true, but he was fine with letting Miran think it was.</p><p>Miran decided if they’d get a dog, what kind of dog it would be, where it came from, how old it was, and where it’d spend its time.</p><p>He chose to get a large breed black dog from a good breeder. One that was just old enough to be potty trained. As funny as he’d probably think a puppy terrorizing the Eris estate would be, he probably didn’t want to deal with one ruining his wood floors.</p><p>The breeder asked them to come in the afternoon on a weekday so that the process didn’t last through the night or cut into her free time. So Miran took a half-day off to go get it.</p><p>Lucile didn’t go with him. Miran didn’t like him going places where he might say something weird. Personally, Lucile didn’t think Miran was too much better off on that front. But it didn’t matter. If that was the way Miran wanted to do it, it was fine. He didn’t really want to go with anyway.</p><p>They decided on it coming to Lucile’s house first because his sisters would want to play with the dog while they got more food. So that’s what they did.</p><p>Iris screeched in excitement when she saw it. “You have a dog!? Since when!?”</p><p>“Since now,” Lucile said. “Don’t be too rough with it. Dogs aren’t as strong as you are.”</p><p>Iris nodded excitedly. “C’mere! C’mere! Oh, what should we name her? Let’s name her Dango!”</p><p>“Dango…?” Miran repeated.</p><p>“Sorry. He probably won’t respond to anything else when they’re done with him,” Lucile said. “Also, it’s a boy, Iris.”</p><p>Miran didn’t argue after a few moments of watching Iris and Ferris excitedly coo ‘Dango, Dango’ at the dog. He probably wouldn’t give up if he had a name in mind, but dogs listened to the first name people gave them. So he’d respond to Dango as long as they called him that.</p><p>Tragic, really.</p><p>He watched as Miran watched the girls try to steal his dog. It was funny.</p><p>They needed to get some more things for the dog, so they couldn’t just stand around and play with the thing all day. Then it’d need to come to Miran’s, its real home. After that, Lucile would probably try to sleep there again. He’d gotten better at staying over after sex, but he still wasn’t sure he’d be able to get any sleep if they didn’t do anything at all.</p><p>Lucile’s mind was used to a routine that he hated. Even when he did everything he could to interrupt it, it still insisted on going through the motions at night. So it always did, without fail.</p><p>When he was at home, he had a lot of things to use to distract it. That’s what he did for the past few months. He had pictures and hair and clothes and straws and all sorts of other depraved things. Recently Miran gave him some used gum, which he thought was pretty funny, especially since Lucile <i>did</i> like it - it was his favorite thing right now. Though he couldn’t use it while he was trying to sleep. It’d be really unfortunate if he accidentally swallowed it.</p><p>Miran would think it was hilarious, though, so he might do it someday just to see his reaction.</p><p>But back to the problem at hand.</p><p>Lucile wanted to sleep normally. He couldn’t now, but with some extra effort he might be able to, just like how a little effort brought him to the point where he could walk Miran home from work every now and then (daily even, now that they had a dog which would necessitate them seeing each other daily).</p><p>Sleeping next to Miran wasn’t enough to keep his mind from wandering. At first he thought it might be, but he was quickly proven wrong, and the absence of his best distractions meant that there was a limit to what he could do to fix his mind’s circles. The best he could do was try to make sure that his body was sated before going, and if his mind bothered him - and it would - he’d have to use soap and Miran’s sink. It did help, though not as much as some other things. But he wasn’t going to cut in Miran’s bathroom. He meant to do better, not worse, and there was an objective answer between the two. He was doing a good job lately. It’d been months since he last cut.</p><p>It didn’t really help anyway. It was too short-term. All it ever did was leave reminders that his mind wasn’t to be trusted. So did hand washing to the point of cracking the skin on his hands, but that was a problem for later.</p><p>For now. For now, he’d focus on making it through the night with Miran in as normal of a way as possible. Miran’s hair was all over his house, so it wasn’t too hard to get any. He could listen to Miran breathe all he wanted, too. The problem came when he closed his eyes. Because most people sounded about the same when they breathed while sleeping… </p><p>“……”</p><p>How long would it take until Lucile could sleep through the night? He hadn’t been able to do it in years. But a long time ago he used to be able to do it. He could sleep up until he realized how much of himself was wrong.</p><p>Then after he understood what kind of person he was, he didn’t try to change. When his parents told him to beat Ferris, he did it instead of taking hits with her. And he never even thought about helping Iris.</p><p>Why? A larger part of him regretted how he lived every day. But he couldn’t go back and change the past, so he was better off looking towards the future. Trying to fix the things that were wrong now.</p><p>He didn’t want to become his sisters’ best friends. He was fine existing away from them. He was fine as long as he didn’t hurt them. He was happy if his existence could do something good instead of bad, like help Miran keep the dog he always wanted but could never get.</p>
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</div>They went out to get supplies for the dog while Lucile’s sisters loved on it, but Miran became a bit sidetracked by the sale racks outside of a luxury consignment store a few doors down from the closest pet store.<p>Lucile was not into fashion, but he was patient while Miran looked over a few things. Of course he was. He liked watching Miran no matter what he did.</p><p>It was summer, so although the majority of their wares on display were for summer, there were a few coats that ran cheaper than they would in several months’ time. He stood, considering how one might look, when someone shouted behind him.</p><p>“F-F-Froaude!?”</p><p>Miran’s hand stopped against an expensive coat on display. He turned around to see Claugh, one of his coworkers. Lucile turned to look, too, obviously interested in knowing anyone who Miran knew.</p><p>Miran spoke before Lucile could say anything strange. “Do you need something…?”</p><p>Claugh’s eyes were moving rapidly between Miran and Lucile. The source of his shock appeared to be the idea that Miran was presently on a date - that must have been how it looked, even though it was really only an errand for dog food. But did Claugh really have any room to judge? There was a man standing beside him. One who looked equally as shocked and pale.</p><p>“…Luke Stokkart,” Lucile said in that quiet voice of his, recognizing him in the same way that Miran had recognized Claugh - instantly, unfortunately.</p><p>“Ah,” Miran said. “<i>That</i> Luke. Quite the famed figure within the office. Perhaps I ought to ask for an autograph. Surely they have resale value.”</p><p>Claugh sputtered at the obvious provocation. Luke’s eyebrows rose slowly and pointedly. But his surprise was not due to Miran’s comment. Rather, it was directed towards Lucile.</p><p>“…Do you two know each other?” Miran asked, curious. Why would Lucile know someone he didn’t? Lucile didn’t know anybody. He was a perfect hermit.</p><p>“Y, yes,” Luke said and cleared his throat. “Er… long time no see.”</p><p>“Yes, it has been a while,” Lucile agreed.</p><p>“Um… I’m happy to see you doing well,” Luke said. He sounded sincere. But nervous. Very nervous.</p><p>“Wait,” Claugh said, finally recovered from the implication that he was nothing but a Luke fanboy. “Wait wait wait. How do you know that guy?” Claugh asked.</p><p>“It’s a long story,” Luke said, then again looked to Lucile.</p><p>“You can just say it,” Lucile said.</p><p>“Er… all of it?” Luke asked.</p><p>“I assume you’d censor for your own sake. But I don’t care about what you have to say about my part in it. One should to be prepared for those things… Haha.”</p><p>Their conversation… gave Miran a certain suspicion even before Luke cleared his throat to speak. “Well. Lucile was a client of mine.”</p><p>“From your stalking job?” Claugh asked.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Wait,” Claugh said. “Your normal stalking job or <i>the</i> stalking job? You know, the one you told me about where, uh…”</p><p>Luke didn’t answer, but Lucile laughed at Claugh’s horrified description, all but proving it.</p><p>“…You, then,” Miran said. He looked Luke up and down, a bit surprised. So the famous Luke Stokkart had been his personal stalker for those months where Lucile was too obsessed with him to stay away, but not brave enough to leave the house to see for himself. “You are the one who…”</p><p>Miran’s words trailed off. Luke nodded even without him needing to finish. “I’m sorry,” he said, and it did sound like he meant it. “I shouldn’t have agreed to any of it.”</p><p>“Oh, w, wait… wow,” Claugh said, flustered. He looked from Miran to Lucile. From Lucile to Miran. “Wow. Okay.”</p><p>It was… a bit awkward. No… it was <i>extremely</i> awkward.</p><p>Despite being the most guilty out of them all, Lucile appeared to be the least affected, which was possibly the most infuriating part of it. He should to be the one to take the brunt of a conversation like this, but he was entirely unphased.</p><p>“Did you want this?” Lucile asked, running a hand against the expensive fur coat Miran had been coveting moments prior. “You’d hardly have the chance to wear in here. But it’s fine if you want it…”</p><p>Was he really so unremorseful, even after all this time? So unremorseful that he would imply himself to be financially supporting a man who he stalked far past the bounds of legality in front of Miran’s coworker?</p><p>In contrast, Claugh, the most innocent of them all, was the most distressed by the revelation. “W, wow… Y-you’re pretty fucked up. Both of you. All of you. Wow.” He stepped back slowly. “I’m literally the only normal person in this entire world. What the fuck.”</p><p>“…If you continue to stick your nose where it does not belong, you will only find more things that you do not want to see,” Miran said. “I recommend that you stop while you are ahead.”</p><p>Claugh’s face went red. But it wasn’t enough. Miran had to take the annoyance of this encounter put on someone, and who else but Claugh, the low-hanging fruit? He was the easiest target where Lucile was the hardest.</p><p>“In addition,” Miran continued, “I am sure that Calne Kaiwel will be pleased to hear that you, the self-appointed straightest man in the office, were alone with another man in the midst of a busy shopping street. Or do you intend to say that you both have women who just so happened to leave you two alone so that you can do whatever it is you are aching to do, while they accomplish whatever their goals were with each other? Typically one would refer to that as a ‘beard’—”</p><p>“Wh-whoa! I’m leaving! C’mon, we’re leaving!” Claugh said loudly, pushing Luke away with a hand on his back. “We do <i>not</i> have all day to listen to that shit!”</p><p>Luke waved, awkward and apologetic in such a carefree way that it was almost laughable. “Sorry again!”</p><p>As if ‘sorry again’ was all it took to make that level of criminal activity right. Not that Miran had room to talk. He had done far worse with far less of an apology before.</p><p>Lucile watched them go. “So you knew who Luke was.”</p><p>“By coincidence, it would seem… Claugh Klom, my coworker, can never seem to shut up about him…”</p><p>“Haha. Obsession is hard to kill.”</p><p>That it was.</p><p>They finished their errands, then got the dog from its overenthusiastic babysitters and took it back to its real home, where it sniffed everything, nose touching it all, so that little damp prints were made on the walls and floor.</p><p>“Dogs aren’t very clean, are they?”</p><p>“I do not particularly want to hear it from someone who would bite my used straw months later.”</p><p>Lucile didn’t argue. Perhaps there was hope for him yet, if he realized that Miran was correct here. More likely not, though. Especially since Miran just noticed Lucile’s phone at an odd angle, as it often was when he recorded him.</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Does it bother you?”</p><p>“…I’ve gotten used to it.”</p><p>“Haha. I thought so. You’re like my own personal movie star.”</p><p>Was that supposed to be a compliment…? The more he thought about it, the more it sounded like one. To think that he’d fallen to the point where some of Lucile’s compliments sounded genuinely flattering.</p><p>The dog whined, then came back over to them. First he whined at Lucile, likely because he associated him with Ferris who had lavished attention on him not too long ago. But Lucile’s response was the opposite of Ferris’. He drew away instead of petting the dog and calling him a good boy.</p><p>It was odd to see Lucile giving something a lukewarm reaction. When they were together, Lucile’s focus was always on Miran, and even when they said cruel things to each other Lucile seemed to enjoy himself. But the dog… how to say… </p><p>It did not look like Miran liking dogs would do anything to change Lucile’s opinion on them. The best that he did was pat the dog’s head after noticing Miran’s look of expectation. “Pay attention to Miran instead,” Lucile said. “He looks jealous.”</p><p>Jealous wasn’t the word, though it wasn’t like the dog understood their speech well enough to know that. He did leave for Miran, but only after he understood that Lucile was a lost cause.</p><p>Miran pet him. He was soft. But because the dog was young (though not puppy young), he soon lost interest and went to explore more.</p><p>“Have you picked a name?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“…You made it sound like it’s futile.”</p><p>“You’ve given in to Dango?”</p><p>“No, but…”</p><p>Miran trailed off, distracted by the dog picking a pillow up with his teeth and swinging it around.</p><p>“You’re going to have your work cut out for you training that thing,” Lucile said.</p><p>“You have the wrong idea about dogs. They are much easier to train than you are.”</p><p>“Haha. Maybe that’s true.” He was still recording, after all. Unrepentant as ever.</p><p>Despite the dog getting more attention than him by far, Lucile stayed past sunset again. Stayed into the night again.</p><p>Their first time sleeping together in the non-sexual sense hadn’t been too terribly long ago, but it’d happened a few times since then too. Lucile’s reaction night after night was much the same, so Miran didn’t allow him to stay often.</p><p>Tonight he figured the dog would keep him up anyway, so what was one more distraction?</p><p>Unexpectedly, the dog was out the second sleep occurred to him, while Lucile was the same as always - getting up time and time again to go do this or that instead of at least having the decency to wait in bed until morning.</p><p>Miran understood why he wouldn’t just do that. Lucile had given him more than enough reason to think that intrusive thoughts were what kept him up, between his occasional self-harm and frequent hand washing. </p><p>He knew that letting Lucile stay over was asking for a night of poor sleep, but tonight stood out even among the rest. Was it because they hadn’t slept together like they normally did before Lucile stayed the night? Did it matter what the reason was now? There was a limit to what Miran could handle in one night, and at about four in the morning, he hit it.</p><p>“Really,” Miran said. He didn’t even sound tired to himself for how far Lucile had kept him from sleep. “You wake me more than the dog. Perhaps it would be entertaining if not for that. But unlike you, I have work to do, so I must have some degree of wakefulness over the course of a day… I cannot have you keeping me awake constantly.”</p><p>“…Sorry.” To Lucile’s credit, he sounded more apologetic than usual.</p><p>Sounding apologetic did little to rectify the problem, though. “Perhaps if you did anything at all to treat your OCD you would not wake me up so often.”</p><p>“OCD?” Lucile repeated. “I don’t have that.”</p><p>Miran rolled his eyes. “Yes, getting up in the middle of the night to wash your hands repeatedly is perfectly normal behavior…”  </p><p>Lucile didn’t answer. He didn’t seem to agree, though. Knowing him, he most likely thought of it only as a paraphilia. But now the thought was in his mind, so perhaps he would wise up and do something about it. If he didn’t, he would need to sleep in his own bed exclusively. It wasn’t worth having him over just to be woken up several times through each night.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He should have just told him to leave. Why let him stay at all?</p><p>It was an odd feeling. He would have told Lucile to leave or otherwise urged him out a few months ago, but now, he didn’t care enough to bother. Was he getting too used to his presence?</p><p>Either way… Lucile didn’t get up again that night, so Miran let him stay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Changing, Growing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Miran couldn’t move.</p><p>Well… technically that wasn’t true. He was physically capable of moving. He was not paralyzed or otherwise frozen in place.</p><p>However.</p><p>For how much he complained about Lucile not sleeping before, he felt that moving would go against the effort he already put into training him to sleep. So he stayed still.</p><p>The situation was simple.</p><p>Lucile had stayed the night, something that was becoming more and more frequent as of late. Lucile was usually awake during the night anyway, so it was handy to have him around every now and then to let the dog out should he begin to whine in the middle of the night. Though that only did so much to help, since Lucile kept Miran from sleeping by virtue of his unnecessary habits… </p><p>In any case, Lucile was currently asleep. Normally it would be easy to get up despite that, but… Lucile was sleeping on his chest, a hand wrapped tightly around either side. Occasionally he mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep. That was the surest sign of all that he was really out. </p><p>Miran had never seen him sleep so deeply. Yes, after so many months he had seen him asleep before. In person even. But it had always been a fairly light sleep. Nothing like this.</p><p>Because it was so rare, Miran turned off his alarm before it went off and stilled himself, choosing to observe for the remainder of it rather than waking Lucile.</p><p>He felt movement and tensed.</p><p>Miran didn’t mean to hold his breath as Lucile adjusted his position in his sleep, but he did. Reflexively. </p><p>If he woke Lucile from this deep sleep, he might be angry to have it interrupted after such a long time. Miran did not particularly care if he angered Lucile, but… it was about training. Positive reinforcement.</p><p>Lucile was improving. That was the positive reinforcement. Miran would not actually get him anything for his improvement. It was unfortunate, but Lucile had to put more effort in than the average person to reach the absolute bottom rung of functioning. Really, sleeping deeply would not be an accomplishment if he were anyone else.</p><p>A normal person wouldn’t struggle to sleep like Lucile or scrub himself to the point of rawness or cut his own flesh. But Lucile failed to meet every one of the ‘normal’ standards that the typical person failed to realize that they were meeting due to how obvious they were, so when Lucile finally managed to do something right, it likely felt like a real accomplishment for him.</p><p>A sense of accomplishment… </p><p>It had been a while since Miran felt such a thing.</p><p>Lucile exhaled deeply, then inhaled a bit quicker than his sleeping breathes had otherwise permitted. Miran felt his eyelashes move.</p><p>“…Mm.”</p><p>Mm?</p><p>Lucile yawned. Then he noticed the now-dry spit he had so kindly left all over Miran’s chest as he mumbled in his sleep. He made a face, a bit confused, before his tired mind caught up. “Is this mine…? I guess it must be…”</p><p>“You seem to have slept well.”</p><p>Lucile stretched his legs, then circled them around Miran’s. “I did, didn’t I. You’re a good pillow. Though I’m a bit sore. You’re kind of bony.”</p><p>“You would not be sore if you had chosen to use an actual pillow.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “I know. But I sleep better like this.”</p><p>Lucile seemed to be in a good mood. Instead of getting off of Miran and perhaps allowing him to go about his day after putting off its start for so long, he tightened his hold and pressed his cheek back to the spot where his spit had already dried on Miran. Presumably that was where he was most comfortable. </p><p>How was Miran meant to respond to something like this? Lately he was a bit disappointed in his own reactions. Reactions to Lucile specifically, that was. He never felt disgusted by him anymore. Occasionally he felt flattered by something he knew was stupid. Lucile’s mere presence was degrading his understanding of normalcy… So at times like this, he was unsure of how he was supposed to react. Of if this was something that he should be annoyed about or not.</p><p>Unfortunately, there wasn’t much that he could do about this problem. He needed Lucile around to take care of his dog during the day. He was past the point where he could get rid of him.</p><p>“How long have you been awake?” Lucile asked. His voice was never the loudest to start with, and with him talking quietly against Miran’s skin, Miran had to strain his ears to hear. </p><p>“…Not for long,” Miran said. It wasn’t true, but he wanted to avoid Lucile entertaining himself on the thought of Miran staying still so as to not disturb him from sleep. He didn’t want Lucile to misunderstand him. It was only meant as positive reinforcement, but he might assign some deeper feeling to it, and… well, that wouldn’t be necessary.</p><p>“I’m surprised you didn’t kick me off and go the second you got up.”</p><p>“I did consider it.”</p><p>“…Heheh.”</p><p>He really was in a good mood, wasn’t he.</p><p>“Miran,” Lucile said. It might’ve been difficult to tell what he had said if not for the endless fondness with which he typically said Miran’s name.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>Lucile sat up on his elbows to meet Miran’s eyes. “Would you be angry if I told you something?” He asked. It wasn’t just that he had stopped mumbling against skin - his tone was more firm, too, resolute, clear even without being loud.</p><p>But the tone didn’t matter.</p><p>The content was the issue. It was the sort of precursor that Miran frankly did not have time to deal with so early in the morning.</p><p>“…If you think that I would dislike it, then why bother saying it at all?” Miran asked.</p><p>“Because I want you to know that it’s true. Even if you don’t like it.”</p><p>“Then there’s no need to ask for permission,” Miran said. Though they weren’t using specifics, it was clear what Lucile wanted to say. His expression and the circumstances made it clear. Miran swallowed the spit in his throat and urged his pulse to consider not overreacting, despite the disgust welling already in his throat, always rising up no matter how many times he swallowed.</p><p>Lucile’s eyes darted down to the movement in Miran’s throat, then back up to his eyes. “Then I’ll tell you even if you don’t want to hear it.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Lucile didn’t expect to hear anything in return. Who would? Asking Miran to profess love nowadays was asking too much. Of course he could say the words, but sincerity was out of the question. Sincerity had always been out of the question.</p><p>Lucile knew that. He didn’t look expectant at all. He knew that, but said it anyway.</p><p>What did it really mean if Lucile wanted to tell him that? He couldn’t say. One couldn’t expect someone like Lucile to understand the difference between his own emotions. So… </p><p>It was lucky that the dog chose that moment to whine. It gave him a good excuse to get away. But the morning air outside of bed felt cold after his body spent the night adjusting to the excess heat that Lucile gave off.</p><p>Love… was it.</p><p>“Love is fairly useless, all things considered.”</p><p>“Then your dog is fairly useless. After all, you only keep him around because you love him.”</p><p>“I have taught him to guard against intruders. Knowing my luck, he could come in great use. It isn’t something as intangible as love that keeps him around.”</p><p>“Haha. Do you think you have another stalker? I’ll get jealous if you get too popular, you know.” Lucile’s light tone went entirely contrary to his claim. “Though it might be kind of fun to be the original.”</p><p>Miran sometimes doubted that Lucile understood what ‘fun’ was. “I think you may be overestimating the amount of people in this world who are like you.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. “No… I know that there aren’t many at all. That’s why I like you so much.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>The strange part about this all was that Lucile never really acted like he had boarded a sinking ship by choosing Miran out of everyone.</p><p>Occasionally his father had given him that impression - that he wished he had a more charismatic child, somehow. That he wished it was someone else who just so happened to be ‘willing,’ since Miran was troublesome at the best of times - his own words, on a day that he had been particularly irritated with Miran for his ‘smart’ remarks. But Lucile never gave him that impression… His obsession was in all ways genuine. It didn’t waver no matter what Miran said.</p><p>There were many things that he didn’t say growing up so that he wasn’t thrown back onto the streets. Lucile didn’t require such a filter. He found every aspect of Miran charming for the sole reason that it was Miran. He could make a poor joke, or ignore him for work, and Lucile would still stare with complete fascination.</p><p>“……”</p><p>It was… overwhelming, in some ways. Gross in others. Yet sometimes, it still managed to be flattering.</p><p>As he said, his sense of normalcy was shot by this point.</p><p>Miran went about his morning the same as if Lucile weren’t there with the exception of offering him a cup for if he wanted coffee. Neither tended to eat breakfast. Miran got ready for work while Lucile stared into space. Sometimes Lucile snapped out of it to tend to something the dog wanted, but usually he didn’t.</p><p>Today wasn’t his usual, though. Today he seemed a bit more on top of it than usual. An effect of REM sleep for the first time in a few days, perhaps?</p><p>Miran didn’t have time to dwell on it. Lucile was only there to take his dog while he was at work. So when he finished getting ready, he leashed the dog and handed him to Lucile.</p><p>“I’ll see you later,” Lucile said.</p><p>So he said, but at times Lucile missed Miran getting off of work and forced him to pay a visit to the Eris estate instead, where Miran typically only saw Ferris and Iris, so this could very well be the only time they saw each other today. Not that it really mattered either way.</p><p>With that, Miran left.</p><p>Work was a bit tense. Right… he had something that he needed to clear up with Claugh, who had by chance seen Miran and Lucile when they went to get the dog a few days ago.</p><p>Claugh had been avoiding him since then, but today they had a private meeting to discuss a project that Sion had them both working on.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, Claugh did not open said meeting with the subject they were supposed to discuss. Instead he opened it with what he likely felt was an expression of concern, but came off far more like simple nosiness.</p><p>“I just don’t get it,” Claugh grumbled. “You need some standards.”</p><p>What exactly was Claugh trying to accomplish?</p><p>They were not nearly close enough for an intervention. Even if they were, the thought of someone intervening in Miran’s life choices was laughable at best.</p><p>“First of all, I do not think that this is what our scheduled meeting was meant to be about,” Miran said. “However, if you insist on talking about this before getting to the point, then I will entertain your need to gossip for a moment, for the sake of getting this done correctly, with you focusing on it as you should… So I will be clear. I do have standards. I do not engage in useless relationships, as you know. And as you also know, I am far more productive than most as a result.”</p><p>“The hell is useful about dating an actual stalker? Luke told me all about it when it was happening, and seriously, that guy sounds like a serial killer. Not that you don’t also kinda seem like a serial killer, but uh, you know what I mean!” Claugh said. “Can’t you go for someone normal? I seriously don’t want someone putting cameras in the office bathroom or some shit.”</p><p>Miran wished that Claugh wouldn’t ask like that. </p><p>
  <i>Can’t you go for someone normal?</i>
</p><p>It was… difficult to argue, at least in succinct terms.</p><p>It required Claugh to understand many separate things. He had to understand that Miran did not particularly want to go for anyone. Then he needed to understand why Miran was with Lucile specifically. Explaining that would take hours, and by then, Claugh would be long gone.</p><p>To be concise. Lucile did have value. But it was impossible to convey this without bringing up the fact that they now had a dog together as well as the fact that Miran was given explicit permission to drain Lucile’s bank account.</p><p>That left Lucile’s personality, which was a hard sell on the best of days.</p><p>Miran himself understood Lucile’s pros as well as his cons, but when attempting to convey it to another, they would inevitably stay stuck on the cons. The fact that Lucile had stalked Miran, or that Lucile had rather alarming fetishes at times, or that Lucile had absolutely zero social skills and could not be taken anywhere as a result. </p><p>At the same time, though… Lucile sometimes felt like the only one that he never had to explain basic things to. They had similar feelings on many things, which saved a lot of frustration like what he was currently experiencing with Claugh.</p><p>“…I feel that you have misunderstood the nature of things,” Miran said. “Not only that, but it is not my responsibility to clarify things to you… I would also like to remind you that if you are so concerned, then I am perfectly capable of addressing Calne Kaiwel’s concerns on your life in turn.”</p><p>“Wh-whoa! You don’t need to go that far!” Claugh insisted. But it was too late. Calne, having heard his name, met Miran’s eyes from several meters over.</p><p>But he did need to go that far. It was only fair.</p><p>“L-listen,” Claugh half-whispered as the ever curious Calne made his way over. “Ugh. I know that you’re a freak, but uh, that’s not really what I meant to say. I meant to apologize. Like, for Luke. I know that what he did was shitty and all, but uh, you aren’t gonna blackmail him or anything, right?”</p><p>It was like Claugh didn’t even realize that he was the easiest person to blackmail out of everyone involved. “It appears that we have a shared interest in secrecy,” Miran said, a bit quickly, to ensure that they could settle this soon. He motioned to Calne, who was only getting closer by the second. “But I feel that it is only fair that I bring up your side of this at work, since you have already brought mine into it…”</p><p>“Urgh! What do you want from me!?”</p><p>“…Do not talk about it anymore. Any of it.”</p><p>“Ahh, right… You don’t want it to get to Sion, huh? Yeah. I don’t want anything getting to him either. It’s like… Well, y’know.”</p><p>Miran nodded curtly.</p><p>Apologies to Sion, but some things did not exist for his entertainment.</p><p>“So what were you guys talking about?” Calne asked. “I heard my name.”</p><p>“N-n-nothing!” Claugh said.</p><p>“Claugh’s illicit relationship with L—”</p><p>Claugh shoved his hand over Miran’s mouth.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Miran looked at Claugh. So did Calne.</p><p>“…He doesn’t need to say the rest,” Calne said. Many years of suffering found their way into his wistful tone. “The ‘L’ was enough, Claugh. You know that, right?”</p><p>Claugh sputtered.</p><p>Finally Miran could rest easy, assured that he had gotten even after their odd encounter the other day.</p><p>There was still the matter of Luke, but… he would have to think of a suitable punishment for him, much like he still had to think of one for Lucile.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>They fell into a nice little routine. Lucile liked it, at the very least.<p>Miran told him to take care of the dog while he was at work, and though Lucile didn’t personally take care of it half the time, if he left it where Ferris and Iris normally played, they’d do it themselves. Ferris especially was good about taking it with her as she did her daily dango tours - Iris had school.</p><p>Unfortunately, Iris was a bad kid who skipped school far more than any middle schooler ought to get away with it, so she often went with Ferris and the dog for dango.</p><p>Lucile supposed it was his responsibility to keep her in school, but he had wanted to get Ferris to socialize more back when he first started sending her, so he put Ferris’ number down as contact information for Iris’ school. So she took care of most of it, as long as she answered her phone.</p><p>By now the school was used to how useless Ferris was with discipline, so when Iris did anything especially disruptive like handstands in class, they pulled his number out of the emergency contacts section to discipline her for real. Then he disciplined her and she was good for a few months again.</p><p>He wished she’d just stay good in the first place so that he didn’t have to do anything to her, but despite her age already being in the double digits, she was still terrible at most things… </p><p>Oh, well. She didn’t have to be good at things. That was the stance that Lucile had taken for good when their parents died. So he couldn’t be too strict on her, even if he sometimes really wanted to. She’d have issues as she grew up if she couldn’t learn that there was a time and place for everything. That was why he had to discipline her.</p><p>“……”</p><p>He pressed his nails into his palm.</p><p>It always started like this, didn’t it? If he thought about them, then it always happened. But he was their brother. It was his responsibility to take care of them, so he had to think about them sometimes.</p><p>But not like this. Brothers weren’t supposed to think about their sisters like this. A flash in his mind was already too much. It wouldn’t stop with that. It never did. He had to nip it at the bud.</p><p>Stop. Stop. Stop. Think about something else instead. Like Miran. Sometimes that worked, but sometimes it didn’t.</p><p>Today his mind ignored him. Even though he liked Miran as much as he did, he wasn’t a fool-proof solution to everything. His heart still beat fast for other things. Until it only beat for Miran, he’d fall into these loops.</p><p>Wasn’t there something he could do instead of this?</p><p>His mind told him that there wasn’t. It offered the last time he had to be strict to Iris as proof.</p><p>It wasn’t meant to be sexual. It wasn’t, but if given the chance, his mind could make him get off on pretty much anything it wanted. That was the way it was wired.</p><p>This was why he had to bother with the gloves. Why he had to bother with the knife, though he was trying to move away from it. Things would get too hard to force down if he didn’t do something about it while it was still manageable. So he had to do something about it.</p><p>He used cold water first to see if it did anything to help. It didn’t, so he moved onto industrial soap. Regular soap didn’t really work. It didn’t ruin his hands enough. The only thing that worked was knowing that they couldn’t feel anything anymore, so touching something would be pointless.</p><p>His head was a little cooler by the time he turned the freezing water off.</p><p>“……”</p><p>His head hurt from the smell of soap, and his hands were numb from the cold. It was the distraction he needed. His pulse was calm once more.</p><p>Miran saw this as OCD. He said it just the other day. But… wasn’t that a little too kind?</p><p>Miran should’ve been the last person to see what Lucile did in a kind light, but if anyone else could see into his mind and the thoughts he just had, they’d say that Lucile should be jailed for these thoughts without a second question. Anyone else would’ve told him to tell the police instead of a doctor so that Iris could get away from him. Ferris, too. But Miran said that he should treat his OCD instead… </p><p>That was kind, wasn’t it? His chest felt warm despite his shivering.</p><p>Lucile was sure that the feeling he had for Miran was love. But he didn’t think that the feeling Miran had for him was anything like what he felt for Miran. It definitely wasn’t a couple months ago. Had it shifted somewhere along the way? Did it change like Lucile’s feelings did?</p><p>He watched his reflection smile in the mirror at the thought.</p><p>A couple months ago, Miran wouldn’t have agreed to get a dog together. He wouldn’t have waited for Lucile to wake before moving to avoid disturbing him.</p><p>The moral of the story was to stalk people after all. How funny.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Of course he knew that wasn’t the moral of the story. The moral was to be more normal and talk to people without stalking them so that they could have a normal relationship instead of a trustless relationship from the very beginning. But Lucile wasn’t normal, so the story where they fell in love in a normal way wasn’t for him, just like all the other stories that existed out there. Those stories were all for people who were much better than he was. </p><p>But he was here now, alive, despite everything he had done up until now.</p><p>Miran said that things would get better if he treated his OCD. So he thought that Lucile had something like that. He’d thought about it, and the answer he arrived at out of everything was an anxiety disorder, not a physical or mental defect that prevented him from functioning like other people.</p><p>Lucile was pretty sure that Miran was mistaken, but he’d been home-schooled (if one could call that schooling at all), so he didn’t know much about mental health. He knew a couple things, of course. One didn’t spend years in isolation due to one’s own thoughts without ever thinking to find an answer to why they were like that. But the answer he had settled on then was very different than the one Miran settled on.</p><p>Even so, he wanted to know why Miran came to the conclusion that he did. He went to the bookstore that he so often bought books from to show Miran and skimmed a couple books on psychology. On OCD.</p><p>The first thing that stood out about it was the assumption that none of the worries people with OCD had were rational. That wasn’t true in his case. He really might do something if he didn’t put all of his energy into preventing it. That was why he always had to be on guard and ready for thoughts and have a plan for preventing them from becoming actions.</p><p>The second thing that stood out to him was that books labelled the thought process he just had as ‘poor insight.’</p><p>He didn’t think that was true, though. His insight was good and that was why he worried.</p><p>“……”</p><p>But it <i>was</i> kind.</p><p>Presumably Miran had mentioned this because he thought that there was something Lucile could correct about it. Usually he was mean, but if he’d suggested this so that Lucile could sleep better… then it was kind of him, wasn’t it?</p><p>It seemed like the treatment for OCD involved medication, and the most useful class often limited the ability to become sexually aroused. But taking medication was something other people could do. People who could stand in front of a doctor and confess to their sins, at risk of being removed from their families for their faults. Lucile couldn’t do that. They might really remove him. There was no point in him continuing to live if he couldn’t at least be there to protect Ferris and Iris if something bad should happen to them. If something really did happen… he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.</p><p>Still, it was a nice thought. A nice fantasy. Getting on medication and not having to worry anymore. He didn’t think that sexual indifference would make much of a difference in his relationship with Miran even if medicine made him stop feeling.</p><p>Oh, but… If it took away his ability to get aroused from Miran but left it for other things, that’d be the worst possible outcome. There was no point in trying even if there was only a 0.0001% chance of that happening. He’d rather die than face that kind of world. So there was no need to try. There was no point.</p><p>“…There’s no point,” Lucile mumbled. “I say that a lot, don’t I…”</p><p>Was he dismissing Miran’s concerns by saying that? </p><p>Sometimes it was hard to tell what Miran wanted him to say or do. Not because Miran wasn’t predictable, because honestly, he kind of was. It was more because Miran himself didn’t realize what he wanted half the time, even when he thought he understood himself perfectly. He was a far better example of poor insight than Lucile would ever be.</p><p>Miran… What was he doing now? Working, most likely. But what was he doing at work? What he’d do to get cameras on his desk… But he doubted that Miran would ever agree to it.</p><p>Even if he asked for a picture now, there was no way that Miran would really send him one. He’d probably send him some snarky response instead, like ‘some of us do work during the day,’ which would also be pretty fun. But he wanted a picture. Or to see him.</p><p>He couldn’t help but wonder when the next time they’d see each other a little more intimately was, too. It had been a while. It usually was with them - they weren’t the sort of couple who slept together daily or weekly. They were more like monthly. But it was always getting better. Even though he never used to crave it, he was looking forward to it more and more lately.</p><p>What if the dog got mad and started barking? He didn’t like closed doors. That might be a problem… </p><p>“……”</p><p>He’d been thinking about Miran a lot lately. He always thought about Miran a lot, but he meant in the sexual sense. Sometimes when his body needed something from him, thoughts began and ended with Miran. He let it have what it wanted then and only then. If they began or ended with anything else, he needed to get rid of it another way.</p><p>He had been most successful in forcing his thoughts to start and end with Miran when he was stalking him, but he was nearly back to that level of appreciation now. The last time he got off was to the thought of Miran’s cock in his mouth. He’d done that before, so it was easy to imagine, and he finished quickly when he tried.</p><p>Too many variables had changed from a year or so ago, so he wasn’t exactly sure what had which effect. But it’d make sense if getting release helped his circular thoughts end sooner, so he tried to keep a schedule.</p><p>Maybe that was why he kept getting distracted by the thought of Miran today. His body was expecting something from him. It was his first time really registering that it had a cue… Maybe if he learned to read it better, it’d save him some suffering. He could get rid of thoughts before they ever happened.</p><p>…It was worth a try. He closed the book that he was doing a poor job of focusing on and left the bookstore.</p><p>The sun was warm and the wind felt nice on his face. It was the time of year where the days were warm and the nights cool, making each side more bearable than the more extreme seasons.</p><p>Miran would be done with work sooner than later, so he went home to get the dog, then brought it to just outside of the coffee shop across the street from Miran’s work so that he could stare into the building and wait.</p><p>He didn’t have to stare, but sometimes Sion looked through the blinds in his office and went wide-eyed. It was too funny to pass up the opportunity. So he stared.</p><p>Miran would probably get mad if he found out that Lucile was bullying his precious boss, but it was fine. Sion’s reaction made it worth it no matter how Miran reacted.</p><p>It was about half an hour of bullying Sion before Miran finally came out.</p><p>“Have you been here long?” Miran asked.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“I thought so…”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I was encouraged multiple times to leave.”</p><p>“By Sion?”</p><p>“Yes,” Miran said and looked up. Sure enough, Sion was peeking through his blinds.</p><p>“I wonder what he thinks of the dog.”</p><p>Miran shot him a look with a clear meaning - he didn’t want to know.</p><p>If he didn’t think they were fucking before, he definitely did now. Lucile smiled. It felt like some kind of victory.</p><p>“Speaking of your meddlesome actions…Claugh Klom, who you met the other day…”</p><p>“The redhead?”</p><p>“Yes. He expressed great concern regarding you. He seems to believe that you are a serial killer.”</p><p>“…How many people do you have to kill to be a serial killer?”</p><p>Miran thought about it for a moment. “I believe three is the minimum?”</p><p>“He overestimates me.”</p><p>If Miran thought that this was anything other than their usual joking around, he didn’t show it. He just took the leash and scratched behind his dog’s ears for a moment. The dog loved it. He loved Miran’s nails. Apparently they scratched just right.</p><p>“That looks like it feels nice.”</p><p>“So you do want to be treated like a dog,” Miran said. He stopped petting and tugged on the leash to tell the dog that it was time to go home, then followed as he led the way.</p><p>“Haha. You could teach me to attack on command too,” Lucile said. “I can’t disappoint your redhead friend with my low body count.”</p><p>“…I would not trust you as an accomplice.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“You seem the type to get a kick out of torturing your victims. The police would see it as premeditated no matter what your excuse was.”</p><p>“Hm… maybe. The police don’t like me, so…” </p><p>Miran shot him a look. “What do you mean, they don’t like you?”</p><p>“I was questioned thoroughly about my parents. I imagine most of them still remember me.”</p><p>“Were they murdered?”</p><p>“Yes. In front of Ferris… I wish that she didn’t have to see it, but I suppose it was unavoidable.”</p><p>“…Why?”</p><p>“Because… they tried to…”</p><p>“…I see.”</p><p>“I didn’t want her to have to carry that forever.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>Because Miran was so uncharacteristically silent, Lucile looked up at him to gauge his reaction. Even when he looked, it was a little difficult to decipher.</p><p>The rest of their walk was quiet except for the sound of the dog’s paws on pavement. Miran said goodbye at the door instead of offering for Lucile to come in.</p><p>It didn’t seem like his problem was the half-confession about what happened to his parents. He seemed to understand that perfectly. It was more… after that. His motive.</p><p>Either way, Miran wanted to be alone. So Lucile let him be.</p><p>Even without Miran, he still had countless videos and pictures and personal items to keep himself busy. It was a little exciting thinking through his collection to decide what to use today. But… it did feel a little lonely. When he got back and took care of things himself.</p><p>He was getting spoiled, wasn’t he?</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Miran often thought about what Lucile told him about his parents over the course of the following week.<p>So that was the type of person Lucile was. It kept repeating in his mind. So that was how he was. So he was capable of going through with such a thing. So he would do something like that for someone else.</p><p>It felt like something too significant to learn so late in the game. But it did help him place the remaining pieces.</p><p>Lucile was selfless to the point of fault, but he was also selfish to the point of fault. He was selfless when it came to his sisters and selfish with Miran. But there were also times where he was selfless, like offering to help keep a dog that he obviously didn’t care much for.</p><p>He wondered what Lucile would have done if they knew each other sooner. Not necessarily one year earlier, but five. Would Lucile have come to the same conclusion over him?</p><p>“……”</p><p>He disliked the thought. He was capable of taking care of himself. He did not need Lucile to do things for him. Yet Lucile always seemed so happy to offer to help him with this or that. Not with Miran’s work or groceries or anything like that, but with the dog, offers of money, of buying him things… </p><p>Lucile had no sense of remorse. He only did the things he wanted to do. If Miran happened to benefit, it was only as a side-effect of the methods Lucile used to satisfy himself. That was what he had thought for a long time now. But Lucile did have a selfless side. There was a part of him that would kill at a moment’s notice to protect another.</p><p>It was… hmm. Intimate knowledge, somehow. Too intimate.</p><p>He knew a lot about Lucile now. He knew a lot about Lucile’s past and the path he was on to the future. He certainly knew enough to know that Lucile was putting a lot of effort in lately. Effort that was paying off. It started with self-awareness, and now it was advancing steadily into action.</p><p>Lucile was getting up less in the night. Sleeping more. It did generally involve being closer to Miran at night, but… well, he paid his dues in the form of letting the dog out should he whine at an unreasonable hour. He was also looking into using his family’s dojo for classes, and he often went out during the day to buy books.</p><p>Lucile was improving, little by little. It wasn’t a huge change on a daily basis, but as the months stretched on, it became obvious.</p><p>Lucile was doing better. Miran was not.</p><p>It was irritating, honestly. </p><p>Miran didn’t want Lucile to succeed in everything he did. He’d rather that he struggled for Miran’s satisfaction. But, well, the original offense was drifting further and further into the past. He got far less satisfaction from watching Lucile struggle now, and besides, they lived in too close of proximity. When Lucile tossed and turned, it kept Miran awake as long as he allowed him to stay over. Whatever benefit Miran had obtained through upsetting him had dwindled into nothing.</p><p>However. The way that things were now… </p><p>“……”</p><p>He couldn’t accept things like this.</p><p>Lucile was not the only one who was capable of doing things that he did not usually do. Miran was just as capable of stepping outside of his usual activities and preferences.</p><p>He had been thinking about what Lucile said a lot, and this was where those thoughts led him.</p><p>Lucile likely understood things about Miran that he had never said out loud, just as Miran understood things about Lucile that he had not admitted to. That was why… </p><p>
  <i>“I didn’t want her to have to carry that forever.”</i>
</p><p>…Why he needed to show Lucile that it was not a big deal. To Miran, at least. He was stronger than that. </p><p>Lucile wouldn’t believe him if he insisted through words alone. He had to prove it with actions. So he did.</p><p>“Today I will bottom,” Miran said rather pointedly the next time he let Lucile inside his room with the full intention to sleep together. </p><p>“…Are you sure?” Lucile asked. “I’m fine the usual way…” </p><p> “There is no need to even ask that. There’s no issue, no matter the position,” Miran said, though he knew himself that it was pointless to insist. The truth was that they’d been together for too long and slept together too much. Their various quirks were obvious to each other by now, like it or not. And Miran’s dislike of receiving was his most significant quirk.</p><p>Blowjobs were one thing, since Lucile spent the majority of them choking. Anything else was unpleasant at best.</p><p>Lucile hesitated, so Miran began to unbutton his shirt without him. He did it slowly, not due to hesitation of his own, but the mechanical limitations of his nails. By the time he finished, he expected Lucile to be ready. But when he shrugged his shirt off, Lucile was still standing a bit away from the bed, exactly where he started.</p><p>“Are you not wanting to sleep together?”</p><p>“It isn’t that I don’t want to… It’s more…”</p><p>“…Just do it,” Miran said as firmly as he could manage.</p><p>Only then did Lucile take a few steps forward. He came to sit in Miran’s lap. “I take it that you’ve already prepared?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”</p><p>“Not so long that I have forgotten what to do.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>Lucile hesitated again, so Miran kissed him in an attempt to make him relax. It was difficult to tell how well it worked. He did kiss back, and he did lean closer. He kept his hands to himself, though.</p><p>If he wouldn’t do anything, then as usual, the active role fell on Miran. He pressed a hand to Lucile’s pants, rubbing a finger around the outline of his cock. </p><p>As expected, the combination of physical stimulation and the thought of being inside of Miran were enough to excite Lucile. Miran tugged his sweatpants off (why did he insist on wearing such a thing?) and gave him proper attention using his hand.</p><p>“…Ah…”</p><p>Lucile’s breathy moan sent a jolt through Miran’s abdomen. It was almost enough to forget what he was here for and give into their almost comfortable back-and-forth. But he had invited Lucile in with a goal in mind.</p><p>If things continued the way they were going, Lucile would get the wrong idea about him. He would look down on him. Although Miran didn’t like to do things like this, it was necessary.</p><p>He lay back to encourage Lucile to have his way with him. But when Lucile accepted his invitation and moved on top of him, Miran’s limbs instinctively tensed with the urge to push him off.</p><p>Why? That never used to happen. He took a deep breath and forced them to relax. “Come on,” he said and kicked off the rest of his clothes.</p><p>“……”</p><p>“Stop stalling.” They just had to get it over with. “Just do it.”</p><p>“…You make it sound like fucking someone who obviously doesn’t want to be here is easy.”</p><p>Miran’s eye twitched. “I’m requesting it. So do it.” </p><p>Lucile tried to spread his legs, but they clamped back and shook, so Miran did it himself. “Please.”</p><p>Lucile met his eyes for a long moment, then nodded. He applied lube, then positioned himself a bit awkwardly. He did not grab Miran’s legs or hips. He grabbed the sheets. It both looked and felt unnatural, but… somehow it worked. He pressed towards Miran, using his own legs to steady Miran’s hips.</p><p>If Miran could see this from a different perspective, he was sure that it would be comical. But he hardly cared about that now.</p><p>It was tolerable. Until the moment that Lucile’s cock actually touched him. He kicked back without thinking, even though they had taken so long already to close the distance between each other.</p><p>“……”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“…I don’t think this will work,” Lucile said. </p><p>“Please.”</p><p>“It isn’t really my fault that you keep jumping away.”</p><p>Miran sighed. Lucile… was right. It was not really his fault. But that didn’t do much to dull the frustration of failing in his one goal of the day.</p><p>Lucile was doing much better than before. Why was Miran not changing too? He never used to have a problem doing things like this. It was new. It was new as of a year or two ago when he stopped needing to do it. As his ability to convincingly fake fell into disuse, his body’s willingness to fake fell with it.</p><p>Perhaps the key was persistence. Lucile persistently attempted sleep as of late, so he occasionally succeeded. If he just kept with it… </p><p>Miran opened his mouth to tell Lucile to try again, but Lucile spoke before he could start. </p><p>“Miran… You aren’t really into sex. But you want to have it every now and then anyway. That’s fine. I like sleeping with you.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“It’d be fine if you had a rape fetish and were actually into this. But I don’t think that you do. You sincerely don’t enjoy it, so I don’t like it much either. Forcing myself on you, I mean. I thought it would be easy for me, so I’m surprised too.”</p><p>“……”</p><p>What kind of an answer was that?</p><p>Was Lucile trying to say that he couldn’t do it even if Miran could?</p><p>Useless. Useless.</p><p>Lucile lay next to him, not minding the feeling of their bare skin touching. It did feel a little different when all he did was lay his head and arms against Miran’s chest. His pulse slowed, though the lump in his throat remained.</p><p>Miran turned to face him properly. Lucile met his eyes.</p><p>“Did it bother you? What I said the other day.”</p><p>“No…”</p><p>“But you knew which thing I was referring to instantly?”</p><p>“……”</p><p>“You don’t have to prove anything to me. I already understand that you’re stronger than I am.”</p><p>It didn’t sound especially trustworthy coming from Lucile. His tone was never serious enough for his words, which made much of what he said come off as fairly condescending. Though Miran had often been told that he himself had the habit of looking down on others, too, so it might’ve been unfair to fault Lucile for it.</p><p>“My sister isn’t strong at all. She scars easily and deeply. Even once would have been too much for her.”</p><p>It sounded like Lucile was offering him a system for arranging their experiences. Ferris was weaker because she would break after one time, so Miran was stronger by virtue of still being here. He said that whether he meant it or not.</p><p>But Miran wasn’t here in the same way that he had been before anything happened. He was here, but unable to sleep with Lucile in the way he most wanted to.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Did he want to? He thought it without thinking it.</p><p>It was getting better lately. Lucile was. It was sometimes enjoyable to watch him take Miran and moan. It was sometimes enjoyable to feel him close. He wasn’t supposed to want such a thing. He knew that it was stupid. But in the corner of his mind… the sight of Lucile, enjoying someone inside of himself, relinquishing control entirely, despite the knowledge that Miran could cause him pain that he very much didn’t want to feel… Touching him and being touched in turn.</p><p>It wasn’t bad.</p><p>Miran was not the type of person who gave up on a task simply because it was daunting. But Lucile was correct. Tonight was… enough. He would try again another day, and eventually he would succeed in this.</p><p>It was slower than he wanted it to be, but it took Lucile years just to leave his house. A few days for Miran to cross off the last of his problems was nothing in comparison.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div>Things were a little awkward with Miran for a while. Even though Miran held a bit of a grudge over failing on his first attempt, he started a little smaller after that. With letting Lucile touch him from the bottom, or letting him embrace him and kiss him more. And he tried to be a little more attentive in bed, even though that probably didn’t have much to do with his hang-ups. He tried to go a little slower instead of rushing it so much.<p>It was nice. The end result was nice.</p><p>Even though it was mean, Lucile had to admit that he personally benefited from it all. He thought for a long time that he’d be okay taking someone who didn’t want him to do it. He thought he’d enjoy it. His parents told him so and his dreams repeated it to him. It wormed its way into his mind when he tried to give himself release. He thought of it often for many years, and because it was always in his mind, he was certain that he wanted it.</p><p>So it was a little reassuring learning that he didn’t actually get off on it when the opportunity presented itself. It just grossed him out. He didn’t want to do it at all. Because he didn’t want to hurt the people who he loved. He didn’t want to ruin them completely. </p><p>If it were up to Miran, they would’ve kept going until Lucile finished into him. But he might’ve never gotten to that point because of how jarring it was. So even if they kept going, he didn’t think it would have satisfied Miran.</p><p>That aside, it was tough to know what he was supposed to do about it.</p><p>Miran helped him out a lot, so he wanted to help Miran too, if at all possible. But it was difficult when Miran was so adamant about wanting to do everything alone.</p><p>…Was that how everyone saw Lucile, too? He’d never thought about it before.</p><p>“……”</p><p>They really were similar, weren’t they?</p><p>The truth was that they didn’t have to have sex at all. They didn’t gain anything from it. Well... sometimes it was nice. But he’d like it if they didn’t have to force it. They could do whatever they wanted to do in their time together. It didn’t matter what others did. They didn’t have to be like them.</p><p>He wanted to tell Miran that too. It’d annoy him, but telling him that he loved him annoyed him too, and Lucile did that without worrying too hard about Miran’s feelings. But it was embarrassing to say out loud. So he didn’t say it at all. He just told Miran the same thing that annoyed him before.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“…I know. You already told me.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. He was never going to get tired of Miran, was he? For once, he was glad that he had such an obsessive personality. He didn’t want to forget the feeling of loving him so strongly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 365</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Ferris’ birthday. The first anniversary of the day things should’ve ended.</p><p>At this time, on this day… Last year.</p><p>He didn’t really sleep, so when he gave up sometime around midnight, he had a horrible headache. But it hadn’t really stood out because that was his norm.</p><p>The heaviness never stood out, either. Opening and closing his eyes had always felt like such a chore, to the point where he spent most of some days with them closed.</p><p>Most people would probably argue if someone said that their existence was pointless. Even he would have argued up until that day. He had to keep Ferris from needing to get involved with foster care, so he lived just enough to claim custody of her and Iris, as well as take care of the things they couldn’t do due to their age, like their finances. Aside from that…</p><p>Aside from that, he had closed his eyes for hours at a time, trying to avoid whatever thoughts that tried to enter his mind. Even without thinking them, he knew that he’d hate it. He had already accepted that his mind was defective. It drew circles and nothing else. That was the way he was.</p><p>Days had felt like years and years felt like days. He never knew if it was morning or evening in the months leading up to Ferris’ birthday. But then he checked the date and a thought occurred to him.</p><p>Ferris would be turning eighteen.</p><p>Ferris would be an adult.</p><p>She’d be able to take care of Iris, even if she spoiled her.</p><p>They wouldn’t need him anymore.</p><p>That thought process brought a little awareness back into his life, but not much. All he really did was set an alarm on her birthday. He didn’t label it. He knew what it was for even if he didn’t think anything through.</p><p>It was just… one of those things. He had known that that was the day he would die. He knew it so deeply that there wasn’t any planning or checking this or that. He’d go out that day and kill himself. It was an unspoken promise to himself, and that was all there was to it.</p><p>Then that day came.</p><p>His mouth had been really dry that night, and as it slowly turned to morning, it only felt drier. It never really occurred to him to drink water to make it better. Things like if his mouth was dry or not hardly mattered when he’d be dead before twenty-four hours were up.</p><p>It had been in the back of his mind as the sun rose on the other side of his blinds. It was in the back of his mind as he heard the far sound of a train blaring its horn as it passed.</p><p>He had been vaguely aware that failure would result in disfigurement. But he felt that it was worth the risk. Even if it didn’t kill him at first, he had been sure that he could figure something out in the hospital. He’d stab himself with the spike of his IV bag or pull needles out of the sharps. Anything. Anything that would end it forever.</p><p>As for doubts… Doubt had never crossed his mind.</p><p>Yes, his heart had been loud in his chest. It skipped many beats over the course of that day, erratic from anxieties he quieted before they could form a voice in his mind. But fear was not doubt. Anxiety could exist even alongside certainty.</p><p>He had been anxious to leave, but more anxious to stay.</p><p>The thought of living eternally as himself was just too suffocating. His mind had been slower than it’d ever been before, like all the neurons inside of it fired through cotton. His limbs were sore from swimming in stagnant water.</p><p>It had been a long, long day, even so early in the morning. But it had been a longer life. So he swallowed his fears and steeled his resolve and prepared himself for a gruesome death like the death he’d given his parents, so that the last two Erises could be buried without fear, among flowers. One of their friends would arrange it for them. He was certain of it.</p><p>That was his mindset this time last year.</p><p>It did feel a bit odd, thinking back to it. Everything about that time felt odd now. More than anything, when he tried to remember it, he felt a strong sense of sticky dread, as if his mind was taking hold of him and telling him to stop before he got stuck in those loops once again.</p><p>One year ago today, he had nearly ended his life. And… he felt that it was time now. Not to end his life. But to end something else.</p><p>Even if he tried to put it to rest, he was sure that it’d pop into his mind every now and then. But he’d never set it down until now. So it was time to think about it clearly instead of putting all of his energy into trying to quiet that side of himself.</p><p>It was midnight. The clock changed not too long ago. It was only seventeen minutes into her birthday. Yes, he ought to be asleep, but… it just wouldn’t come to him. It did more than it used to, but the majority of the time he still couldn’t sleep well. That was okay, though. He was making progress.</p><p>Sleep and going outside were all good and well. They were very human things and doing them couldn’t hurt. But they weren’t the root of the issue.</p><p>The root of the issue was… difficult. To think after all this time of trying so hard to not think it. But ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away. It’d always be there, watching him, waiting for weakness to strike. So he had to face it.</p><p>The problem was that he was in love with his little sister. That he had been in love with her for most of his life.</p><p>It wasn’t fear and indoctrination mixed with whatever hormones had cemented it. If it were, it would have left him a long time ago, and taken its mixed bag of emotions with it. But he did love her. She was his first love, the type of attraction little kids experienced for each other without really understanding why or how, and that’d always be the truth, no matter how much time passed.</p><p>It was bittersweet at best.</p><p>He spent a lot of time until now thinking that it was a mistake, but when he thought back to the days before she existed, he felt that it was natural. Nothing good ever happened before Ferris was born, and then she came into his life and smiled and cooed and his parents told him that she would be his bride one day. Of course he fell in love with her. Maybe others wouldn’t, but he was himself, someone who had nothing as long as he was alone.</p><p>He did love her. It did make her uncomfortable. It made him uncomfortable, too.</p><p>He became a murderer because of her. But he probably would have done that even if his feelings were exactly as deep as feelings for siblings were supposed to go - no more and no less. He wanted to do something good in his life instead of beating the only people he cared about because his parents who adored him told him to. So he killed them, and they were proud of how strong he was until the moment he blotted their lives out.</p><p>They were probably the only ones who ever were. But if anyone was proud of him or not never mattered. It was irrelevant. Whether Ferris and Iris had the chance to be happy mattered far more to him than if anyone was happy about how Lucile ended up.</p><p>After their parents died, it got a lot worse. Nobody expected him to love her anymore, but his feelings were still there, and nobody but him could keep them in line. So he struggled, not because he actually wanted to do something to her, but because he didn’t know how to stop thinking about it or loving her.</p><p>The answer was pretty simple, in the end. He didn’t have to stop loving her. She was his first love, and that wouldn’t change. He would acknowledge it and move on, as everyone eventually did.</p><p>That wasn’t to say that he was leaving her behind or anything. He wanted to love her as a brother was supposed to. He didn’t want his feelings of her to be warped by the fetish his parents had encouraged any more than they already had.</p><p>He didn’t want to avoid her anymore. He knew that this wouldn’t make all of his worries magically disappear, either… He’d still wonder all the time if he was a monster for interpreting these feelings like this. He’d still worry that he’d act on them if left alone with his sisters for too long. He’d still curse his parents for waking this side of him that should’ve slept forever, if they were the ones who’d done it at all.</p><p>But on top of all of the bad feelings… it had brought him some good, too, long ago.</p><p>It’d sound crazy if he said it out loud, wouldn’t it? Nobody would understand if he said that he felt a little sad at the thought of giving up on these feelings. Nobody would understand how much hope and will to live they brought him. For fourteen years, those feelings were what sustained him. That was a long longer than the one year that his feelings for Miran kept him alive.</p><p>But he had a lot of life left to live. Someday it might be thirty or fifty years of love for Miran. Someday fourteen might look small in comparison.</p><p>He smiled. The thought of knowing Miran for that long just made him happy.</p><p>As for Ferris… Of course she knew. They both knew. It had gone unspoken, but there was no clearer truth between them.</p><p>He killed for her, and she helped cover it up for him. He should have buried his love for her alongside their parents. That was his biggest mistake. Letting them fester and rot inside of him and turn everything good about their lives into something shameful was the worst. There had always been shameful and disgusting parts, but in the beginning, he was just a kid excited to meet another kid for the first time. But it rotted… </p><p>After that, no matter what he did, his feelings didn’t make him happy. They didn’t make her happy either, but that’d always been the case. Because he knew that they weren’t doing them any good, he fought them. Every time he thought of them he tried to stop himself, and when he couldn’t stop it with distraction, he moved to force. Now he was covered in scars.</p><p>But if he’d gone about things a little different… maybe he could have avoided some of those. If he had talked to her. If he had told her that he loved her, but was working on it. If he had tried to nurture some side of himself other than the side that did everything for her. Maybe he would have figured out to live a little sooner then. It probably wouldn’t have taken four years.</p><p>It was too late to mean anything now, so he wouldn’t bother telling her that. She already knew that he was trying to move on, and pretty successfully at that. He talked to Miran a lot more than he talked to her. But they did talk more than they used to. The two of them. The three of them. It was easier now. Sometimes he went a couple minutes before feeling the nervousness of ‘what if you do something to her’ set in. That was a lot longer than he lasted the past few years.</p><p>He could also look at her for longer now. Not that he particularly wanted to. It was just something he noticed from time to time - that he could look at her when she responded to his various complaints and not get an instant headache from how quickly his mind spun around.</p><p>So much had changed in the past year.</p><p>It was Ferris’ birthday. Not her eighteenth, but her nineteenth.</p><p>She was an early sleeper and early riser, so she was usually out at around this time, which was really for the best. He’d never get over his bitterness if she was the type to stay up all night partying and wasting their money.</p><p>As an aside, yes, he was aware that as the only one with access to the majority of their money, Lucile was the only one who was capable of wasting it on ridiculous things. That was intentional to avoid scenarios where Ferris wasted it all. No, she wasn’t aware how much had been spent on bribing Luke to stalk Miran. Of course not.</p><p>…He never said that he was good with money. Just that she was probably bad with it.</p><p>He lay down in his bed and closed his eyes. He really didn’t feel tired at all, but sometimes his body surprised him and let him sleep a bit as long as he put a little effort in. So he breathed steadily to calm his mind and empty his thoughts.</p><p>It took a while, but it worked. He slept a few hours, then woke up, then slept a few hours again. </p><p>By the time he woke up a second time, it was already morning. Light was pouring in through his open blinds. Seven forty. Ferris’ birthday.</p><p>It was so odd to think about.</p><p>This day would have always come. But it didn’t have to come with him in it.</p><p>If not for a complete coincidence one year to this day, he would have been a pile of flesh splattered across the ground. </p><p>His mind would have been mercifully silent, thrown to pieces and smeared over gravel and concrete. But that was just him. What about his sisters in the world after his death?</p><p>Iris and Ferris would’ve had to go for identification, since he brought his wallet that day due to going to the bank beforehand. They would have found his ID somewhere and brought those two in just to make sure that it was him, whether he was actually identifiable or not.</p><p>They’d tell them the time of death and Ferris would register that it was on her birthday. She wasn’t always the brightest, but that didn’t matter with this. She was the only person who would understand his thought process. She’d understand it at once, know that he wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t spent so much time thinking of her, and probably spend a lot of time regretting the way that things turned out.</p><p>But that didn’t happen, so she didn’t have to regret anything. Instead she woke up every day and ambushed Miran when he came to the door to steal his dog to pet. Those two pretended like they didn’t get along at all, but the more they interacted, the more Lucile was certain that they had a begrudging appreciation of each other. Ferris liked Miran’s place in Lucile’s world and Miran liked Ferris’ place in his dog’s world.</p><p>They’d make good in-laws. Not that Miran would ever want to marry him. Or… maybe he’d be okay with it someday for the extra zeros in his bank account. But Lucile sincerely doubted he’d agree to it until Iris was eighteen. Lucile had custody over her, so marrying him was basically the same thing as becoming her step-father. Miran would hate that.</p><p>How many years was that now? Iris was… eleven still, right? Yeah. So it’d be another seven years.</p><p>If they were still together in seven years… And they might really be.</p><p>What a pleasant feeling.</p><p>Lucile showered. Then he left his room while it was still morning instead of waiting until late at night to greet Ferris.</p><p>“Happy birthday.”</p><p>Her eyes widened, surprised to see him so early, and even more surprised to hear that he remembered that her birthday was today for two years in a row, considering he’d forgotten the past three or four years. But she soon blinked her surprise away.</p><p>For all of the time Lucile spent with Miran, thinking about him and watching him, eating with and taking care of a dog with him… his mind didn’t get stuck in its old circles as much as it used to. </p><p>That didn’t mean they were gone, though. He did still think of it. He still dreamed of it. But he preferred dreaming about Miran, or if he had to dream about his sisters, he wished it’d stay the times when they were allowed to just be siblings. Not the world that his parents had wanted for them. Of course he’d never really <i>wanted</i> to dream about them that way… But he was beginning to enjoy dreams of the past. Things were the way they were, and even though they were like this, they’d probably turn out alright.</p><p>He still tried to not to look at her for too long. But it didn’t feel quite so much like he’d snap when they locked eyes now. She was still beautiful… but he had Miran. He was tall, had dark hair, and lacked any real curves. Their voices were as different as two people’s voices could get. They weren’t alike in any meaningful way, but Lucile still liked him.</p><p>He could like someone else. He didn’t have to live his life thinking only about his sisters, even though he was the only living male Eris. He’d move on properly. That’s what he decided.</p><p>Because of that, they were able to become a little closer. They still weren’t close by any means. Ferris still didn’t trust him, and he still didn’t trust himself. But he didn’t think that fear was anywhere near spilling over into hate nowadays.</p><p>“…Thank you,” Ferris said, a little hesitant. “Did you get me anything?”</p><p>“No. You don’t need any more dango than you already eat.”</p><p>Ferris didn’t have to make a face for him to know that she disagreed, but she recovered quickly, since she never really expected him to get her anything in the first place. “Are you going out?”</p><p>“Mm. To take Miran’s dog out, since I told him I’d get it today.”</p><p>“It’s not his dog. It’s ours. His name is Black Sesame Dango. It’s Dango for short,” Ferris so kindly informed him.</p><p>“Who pays for the dog, Ferris?”</p><p>She looked a bit confused for a moment before nodding to herself, certain of her answer. “The Dango God himself.”</p><p>“No. Miran does. So he belongs to Miran,” Lucile said. </p><p>“But the Dango God is the one who told him—”</p><p>“I’m the one who gave him the idea. If I’m the Dango God, then listen when I tell you to stop eating so much dango.”</p><p>“Ghrk!”</p><p>Really. He’d have to tell Miran to be careful. Ferris and Iris might break into his house in the middle of the night if he wasn’t careful, intent on ‘rescuing’ the dog from his ‘demonic clutches’ or whatever they were saying about him this week.</p><p>That might be fun, though. He wondered how Miran would react. The thought brought a smile to his face.</p><p>It was a shame that it was a dog, but he was getting used to it.</p><p>Dogs weren’t a great fit for Lucile. They barked and growled and drew an undue amount of attention from passersby. He found most of it to be unpleasant. But he helped out every now and then anyway because he didn’t have much of anything else to do. The rest of the time he had Iris and Ferris do it. They got a lot more enjoyment out of it anyway.</p><p>Miran unlocked the door for him after waking up on days that Lucile came to get his dog. They didn’t always do it that way, but Lucile kept ‘trying to distract him’ by staring while he got ready, so Miran ended up insisting that Lucile just get the dog and go, so that’s what he did now, for the most part. But he still stole a glance while he was getting more coffee. Just to annoy Miran.</p><p>After that Lucile took the dog from Miran’s house to a nearby park, then by the train tracks. The dog sniffed anything and everything he walked by, ever the curious one. He rarely barked, thankfully. Lucile would probably walk him into the tracks if he did.</p><p>“……”</p><p>Maybe that was a lie.</p><p>Despite everything, Miran was fond of the dog. He didn’t mind even if it licked his face. Then again, he didn’t really mind when Lucile did that either… </p><p>Was that why Miran had said that Lucile was like a dog sometimes? He wondered if it was supposed to be a compliment.</p><p>How funny… whether it was a compliment or not. How funny. </p><p>This was Miran, after all. Miran Froaude. The reason he was alive. The man whose privacy he ruined. Despite everything, he talked to Lucile and even complimented him from time to time. </p><p>Wasn’t that funny? To think that being expired could be so fun. Honestly, it was beginning to feel like someone had printed a new date on him. </p><p>Maybe it was because of the day, or the location the dog had walked him to, but he couldn’t help but marvel at how different things were now.</p><p>Lucile wouldn’t have said that he was a lonely person or anything before all of this, but now that he was living differently and could look back on it, it did seem like he’d lived a lot of very lonely and isolated years within his own mind. It had been the same sixteen hours on repeat, day after day, month after month. Nothing changed because he didn’t do anything to make a change.</p><p>It had been a loop. He hadn’t thought that it was possible to escape. If one followed a circular track until the end of time, they’d end their life inside of it. So that was the track he was supposed to take. That was how he was supposed to end. Doing that would have made things right… or so he’d thought, for a span of time that now felt short, even though it’d felt like one thousand years when it was happening.</p><p>But now he went out every day. He saw Miran every day. He talked with his sisters a little, like he used to, back when he was a kid who didn’t understand what wanting to marry his sister really meant. It didn’t usually get weird. When it did, he could veer his mind off its predetermined path with the things Luke had given him, even if Miran was busy.</p><p>Miran never did tell him to get rid of them. Instead, he added to the collection rather regularly. With all sorts of things. The kind of things he thought were funny. And that made them much more meaningful than the things Luke had stolen, even though they were all worthless. The memories were nice, and remembering something other than the inner walls of the Eris estate was a billion times better than what he had before.</p><p>Recently, the glass screen protector on Miran’s phone broke. So he gave it to Lucile, because he thought giving him broken glass was funny. Then, when he got full when they ate together, he gave the rest of his food to Lucile to finish. Because he didn’t want to deal with it himself. And when he broke off part of an artificial nail, he handed that over too, and when he ripped a jacket, it became Lucile’s… Basically, it was a running joke. If it was supposed to be mean, it didn’t quite hit the mark.</p><p>It was nice that their forms of selfishness were so compatible.</p><p>Occasionally Miran pandered to his more specific tastes too, though. Recently Miran let Lucile blow him and came in his mouth, which would be the end of it for most sane people, but Lucile wasn’t all the way there, and probably never would be. So Miran half-watched him spit it back into an oral syringe to do again with, slowly, carefully. Most people wouldn’t tolerate that kind of obsessive behavior. But at this point Miran found it more amusing than anything.</p><p>“How many times do you plan on doing that?” Miran had asked after the second time. He hadn’t  really been paying attention, but every now and then, he looked over just to see if Lucile was still at it.</p><p>Lucile had spit it back into his syringe. “I’ll swallow it next time. It’s no fun when it becomes more of my own saliva than anything.”</p><p>Miran had rolled his eyes, more focused on brushing his hair than what Lucile was doing by that point. “Do you still do these things when left alone?”</p><p>“Obsession is hard to kill. Besides, it’s fun. Why should I stop?”</p><p>“…Usually sane people stop due to the recognition that their behavior causes others distress.” </p><p>“Are you distressed? From here, it looks like you think it’s funny.”</p><p>“It is,” Miran said. “In a pathetic sort of way.”</p><p>“Haha. Yes, that’s true, isn’t it.”</p><p>It wasn’t a perfect memory because they weren’t a perfect couple. But Lucile had never expected a miracle romance. He never expected anything. Just having new thoughts like this was enough.</p><p>Things were different now.</p><p>His world had gotten bigger. It wasn’t just the Eris family now. So… </p><p>He brought the dog back for Ferris to play with, then read for a bit, waiting for the sun to start falling towards the horizon. This time of year Miran usually finished up with work at around the time the sky started turning red.</p><p>He went back to Miran’s with the dog when Miran texted to say that he was home. He didn’t say that because he wanted to see Lucile. He wanted to see his dog, which Lucile was holding captive, so he made Lucile come give it back.</p><p>It was cute.</p><p>Miran would kill him if he called him cute, but it was true. He was cute sometimes. Especially when he smiled. Because it didn’t suit him at all, and the contrast of his cool appearance and rarely soft expression was charming.</p><p>Lucile had watched Miran while he was alone long enough to know that Miran wasn’t a happy-go-lucky person even without Lucile hanging over his shoulder. It wasn’t that he was depressed or anything, but… he could stand to have more good things happen to him. </p><p>The dog helped. Because Miran liked it a lot. He smiled a lot more at it than he did at Lucile. But he smiled at Lucile more now, too.</p><p>It was a strange feeling. Watching someone smile at him. Watching the object of his affections smile at him. It was… how to explain? It was something warm that he didn’t want to give up. It was the same feeling that had motivated him to kill his parents, even if he killed his own future with them.</p><p>When Lucile arrived, Miran gave the majority of his attention to the dog. He gave him water and food and watched him slobber all over it.</p><p>“You really like dogs, don’t you?” Lucile asked as he watched Miran watch the dog, a tried and true routine by now.</p><p>“Not particularly.”</p><p>“Haha.” Sure. He was sure.</p><p>A long silence settled between them as Miran turned his attention towards emails that had appeared in the short span of time since he left work. Lucile’s attention remained on Miran.</p><p>“……”</p><p>“…Lucile.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Are you aware of what day it is?”</p><p>“My sister’s birthday,” Lucile said.</p><p>Miran looked up, a bit surprised. “Your sister’s? Ah… you must mean Ferris. She must have turned eighteen last year. I see. That does make sense…”</p><p>“She did. I suppose it’s the anniversary of us meeting, too, isn’t it. I went straight home to look for a detective agency after we spoke… But no one was still open, so I had to wait until morning. But I couldn’t sleep, so I tried drawing you over and over again. I still have the drawings. If you want to see them sometime, I mean.”</p><p>“…I suppose a year has done nothing to make you regret your actions.”</p><p>“No. Things ended up turning out pretty well for me, after all… I guess I could’ve sent you fan mail instead. But I’m pretty sure you would’ve thrown it away without ever opening it.”</p><p>Miran didn’t argue. He glanced over to the dog, then back to Lucile. Like he was thinking of what to say. But he didn’t end up saying anything.</p><p>Lucile did think that Miran cared. If he didn’t care about the stalking thing, he wouldn’t bring it up from time to time like this. But he didn’t want to admit that he didn’t like being followed, so he never asked for an apology or any real remorse. Giving either of those things to Miran when he didn’t want them would probably hurt his pride, so Lucile didn’t say anything.</p><p>Plus, it’d be a lie if he said he was sorry. He wasn’t. He wasn’t sorry at all.</p><p>But more importantly… their anniversary, huh?</p><p>Miran was the one who brought it up. Did he want to do something for it? How uncharacteristic. But Miran often did things that he didn’t seem to want to do, just because he liked being the one in charge of what they did.</p><p>Usually he took that attitude in bed, though. To this day they had never slept together at Lucile’s suggestion.   </p><p>But that was okay. Miran was… Miran. He was alright with the weird things now, but the normal things often went too far. He had to force himself to do them. Sometimes he did. Usually they just stopped, though.</p><p>Miran was a very private person, but after a year, it was easy to see the invisible lines he drew for things he was okay with and things that bothered him. In that aspect he was similar to Ferris. Teasing was one thing, but doing?</p><p>“…Are you… planning to stay the night?”  Miran asked.</p><p>“How unusual. You’re giving me a choice?”</p><p>“Would you like another choice? By all means, decide if you’d rather be mauled or shot.”</p><p>“Haha. Did you get tired of hanging?”</p><p>“It seems a bit boring of an end for someone as intense as you.”</p><p>Lucile smiled. Miran had set his phone to the side. His hands were at his sides, too, instead of in his lap. He looked back up to Miran’s eyes, and was met with a curt nod. So he moved to Miran’s lap.</p><p>Miran usually didn’t like to be the subject of direct sexual attention. If he had to hear about Lucile’s obsession, he preferred it to be the things that didn’t involve touching him. But he was a little more lax about things when Lucile was on his lap. So they did the vast majority of their kissing like that.</p><p>Lucile wasn’t really sure why Miran put up with kissing even now. He never seemed to enjoy it much, but at times like this, he asked for it and accepted Lucile’s affection, though slowly.</p><p>Maybe it was good for him in the same way it was good for Lucile. He preferred positions like this, too. Because Ferris was smaller, so if anything ever happened between them, it’d likely be the other way around. It was easier to think of this as something he could only do with Miran, since he was taller. It worked out well for them if Miran’s hangup went in reverse.</p><p>It was nice. Learning about each other like this. Feeling each other like this.</p><p>Miran wasn’t all too different from him, in the end. Moments like this were proof of it. Under everything, they were made of the same materials - something meant to survive somewhere that no longer existed. So they didn’t fit in with others well. But because they didn’t fit in with others, they fit together.</p><p>“Did you ever decide how you wanted to get revenge on me?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“I was thinking of special ordering a knife to remove your arms and legs with.”</p><p>“Haha. Would you visit me in the hospital?”</p><p>“No, I have work to do. I don’t have time for things like that.”</p><p>“You’re so mean. Even though you make time for your dog… Do you like pain? I can use the knife on you when you’re done with me.”</p><p>Miran inhaled sharply.</p><p>“Oh, did you like that?” Lucile asked. He dug his nails around Miran’s collarbone.</p><p>“Mmf…”</p><p>Ah… Miran was so good in so many ways. Lucile never got tired of him. He patted his shoulders. “You should have told me that you liked pain. I would have sliced you open on the first date.”</p><p>Miran looked a little annoyed. That was good, too.</p><p>It didn’t have to be Miran. He could have met anyone on that day. But out of every person in this city, in this world, it turned out to be Miran.</p><p>He was glad.</p><p>“Do you want to do anything in particular?” Lucile asked. “I can buy you something nice.”</p><p>“I don’t have anything in mind…”</p><p>If he didn’t have anything in mind, he wouldn’t have invited Lucile to climb onto his lap like he did. So Lucile kissed him. Once, then twice… He wouldn’t mind spending the evening with Miran like this.</p><p>Except that the damned dog hated it when they did this anywhere near him and started barking.</p><p>Lucile bit back a sigh. He should have never suggested Miran get one. How long did they live again…? Ten years? Would he really have to listen to it bark until he was past thirty?</p><p>Then again, that’d also mean that they were still together in ten years. So maybe it wasn’t a bad thing.</p><p>“…We’d best go to my bedroom,” Miran said.</p><p>If Miran was okay with the stalking and okay with the way that Lucile thought, he couldn’t imagine much of anything that would make Miran want to stop this. Was that being too hopeful? It was hard to say.</p><p>Lucile got up and went with Miran. The dog, used to this from them, lay down on the kitchen’s cool wood floors to sulk as he waited. If it were up to Lucile, he’d probably wait all night. But it was up to Miran, so the second they were done, he’d come out and pet it and let it come into his bedroom if he wanted to.</p><p>Once the door was closed behind them, it was just the two of them again.</p><p>“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Lucile asked.</p><p>“True. Though it’s typically only about this often… </p><p>It’d been… three weeks, maybe? Four? Since they last slept together… Or rather, since they last did something sexual together, which ended up being Lucile giving Miran a blowjob and getting a hand job in return.</p><p>It looked like Miran wanted to go all the way today. He usually didn’t undress so early unless that’s what he wanted. So it had been a long time.</p><p>“I miss having you inside of me,” Lucile said.</p><p>“…Where did you learn such a line?”</p><p>“I came up with it myself.”</p><p>“You may have a career in pulp fiction yet.”</p><p>“Really? I’ll look into it.” He wouldn’t really. Probably. But he’d definitely go read some pulp fiction, because the implication that Miran had read it before was enough to make him buy anything.</p><p>Lucile lay down on the bed for Miran, face up. Miran soon joined him. Months ago he would have gone straight for his cock in a poor imitation of foreplay, but now the first place he touched was Lucile’s cheek.</p><p>They met eyes. There wasn’t any real meaning to it. Lucile just liked to look at Miran. Maybe Miran liked to look at him, too.</p><p>“…I think I can take you all the way today. As far as you’ll go.”</p><p>Miran glanced down. “The thought really is appealing to you, isn’t it.”</p><p>“It is. I have no reason to lie to you. I want to feel you…”</p><p>Even Miran wasn’t immune to that. When Lucile lifted his hips against Miran’s, he could feel that he was a bit harder than expected.</p><p>“I want to see you really enjoying it,” Lucile said. “Even if I need to cut you open…”</p><p>“Ah…”</p><p>Oh, this was fun. It was too bad Miran didn’t have much in the way of knives. Kitchen knives were such a sad thing to make scars with. Miran needed something far better, smoother, easier to cut with… not cuts to hurt, either, but to make him feel good.</p><p>They were the same in some ways, and in others like this, somehow so different. So many things made each of them up. He felt that he’d never be bored again as long as they spent time together.</p><p>Lucile brought his hand to Miran’s cock, circled his fingers around his tip, then down his length. Miran wasn’t usually too rough, but he was pretty big, so even if he was trying to be nice, it sometimes hurt. But the pain was nothing compared to the pleasure. Maybe that was how Miran felt with the thought of knives?</p><p>Though Lucile had looked over Miran’s body quite carefully and could say with certainty that he didn’t have any suspicious scars. He’d be the first if they ever did anything like that.</p><p>It’d be a little like tattooing him, huh? Giving him a scar that’d never fade… One born from pleasure.</p><p>“Mh…”</p><p>Their mouths met. It was hard to say who started it. Sometimes these things just happened. There was no real reason to kiss, but in bed below Miran, it felt very important. The closeness of another human felt more significant the hazier his mind got, and the fact that it was Miran only multiplied that.</p><p>So they kissed, and touched, and drew close for pleasure’s sake alone.</p><p>They didn’t bother with condoms anymore. They’d been dating for the past eight months and saw each other more than any other person. That was enough for any two people to form a semblance of trust with. So Miran pushed in with only lube between them.</p><p>“Ah…”</p><p>Lucile gripped the sheets. It was a familiar type of discomfort, bordering on pain. Miran knew how fast he could take him now and advanced appropriately… well, a little faster than appropriately. He wasn’t nice enough to make it perfectly painless.</p><p>As Miran inched his way in, Lucile pushed against him, into him, encouraging him to go deeper. As deep as he could go.</p><p>“Mmh… mm!”</p><p>The only sound between them was their breathing, growing more ragged by the second. Little by little, his mind began to draw a pleasant blank.</p><p>It felt like Miran was everywhere inside of him even though he knew logically that it was only a small amount of his body. It was overwhelming, yet he still wanted more.</p><p>Only Miran could make him feel like this. He was sure of it.</p><p>“Mh, ah, ah…” </p><p>He was close by the time Miran managed to get inside down to the base. He was close no matter where Lucile looked. He could feel him both inside and out.</p><p>“A-ah, mm…!”</p><p>Instead of speeding up when he got close, Miran slowed down. But it didn’t do much to elongate their time. He finished as deep as he could go while using his hand for the last few thrusts Lucile needed.</p><p>“Ah…!” </p><p>It was… enjoyable, Lucile thought as they caught their breath together. Legitimately enjoyable. It was the kind of sex that only lovers could have.</p><p>Miran looked as dumbfounded as Lucile felt. It made him want to laugh. But he swallowed it. He was too breathless for laughing now.</p><p>After a long moment, Miran pulled out. It felt weird not having him inside. A part of him wanted him to go back. But Miran wouldn’t agree to it even if he asked, so he didn’t bother. </p><p>“…I’m glad it’s you,” Lucile said after a couple minutes of breathy silence.</p><p>“You’ve not had anyone else. How can you judge that it’s a good thing that you are with me accurately?” Miran asked. Rather than being invested in Lucile’s response, he generally asked these things just to be difficult.</p><p>So Lucile answered accordingly. “Haha. I just know. No one else would give me such a smartass answer to that. It’s fun.”</p><p>“Odd tastes as always.”</p><p>“I could say the same of you.”</p><p>Miran considered it for a moment, then got up and put some pants on and opened the door, because the dog came first, even when Lucile was in the middle of praising him - and the dog did come. The sound made his ears shoot up and his paws tapped quickly as he speed-walked in. He sniffed his favorite human, sneezed on his pants, then went to lay in his dog bed.</p><p>What kind of appeal did Miran see in dogs? It was difficult to comprehend.</p><p>After ensuring his dog’s comfort, Miran came back to Lucile.</p><p>“I want to sleep now,” Lucile said. He’d be too shaky on his feet to do anything worthwhile anyway.</p><p>“I thought that you would.”</p><p>“You don’t have to sleep too.”</p><p>“I was up early, so…”</p><p>“Did you eat dinner at work?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“…Can I use your toothbrush?”</p><p>“If you must.”</p><p>Lucile didn’t care what Ferris and Iris said. Miran was a great boyfriend. He didn’t say anything when Lucile changed into his clothes, either. He was used to it. His only complaint was ever that Lucile ought to help out with the laundry, too, if he was to dirty half of Miran’s clothes for him - something that Lucile had readily agreed to. Of course he would. Doing Miran’s laundry was the highlight of his week.</p><p>After getting ready, they went to bed together. But the quiet didn’t last long.</p><p>“…Your phone lit up,” Miran said.</p><p>Lucile opened his eyes, then reached over to grab it. Because his sisters and Miran were the only ones who texted him and he had to make sure that nobody burnt down the house while he was gone.</p><p>The display showed a worried text from Ferris. Because he’d been out late on her birthday last year, too, and she wanted to make sure that nothing happened this time either.</p><p>Lucile was tempted to send her a grainy picture to prove he was fine. But he bullied her about her shyness more than enough. Any more and Miran would get annoyed too.</p><p>She was cute. But Miran’s bed was very warm.</p><p>“It’s my sister,” Lucile said. “Wanting to know where I am.”</p><p>“Has she always been so concerned about your whereabouts?”</p><p>“No. But this time last year…”</p><p>“Ah… of course.”  </p><p>Lucile sent Ferris a short text telling her that he was with Miran, then put his phone back away and turned towards Miran.</p><p>He had the urge to touch him. Not in a sexual way, but like a stuffed animal. So he did. He wrapped his arms against his bare waist, warm as always. </p><p>Miran didn’t hold him close, but he didn’t tense up like he used to, either. He just let it happen. A few minutes later, he turned, and mysteriously that brought him a little closer.</p><p>To Lucile, whose experience with love had only ever been things he didn’t want to acknowledge, just being able to do this with someone like Miran was a luxury. Maybe they hadn’t gotten to fall in love in a normal way, but neither of them were normal, so that was probably expecting a little too much of them.</p><p>He heard the last train pass as he lay his head down on the pillow, his eyelashes tickled by Miran’s breath.</p><p>There would still be days where he washed his hands raw and nights where he would wake up drenched in sweat from dreams he didn’t want to have. He understood that better than anyone. Things would probably never be easy for him, but now he could say with absolute certainty that he was glad that he lived long enough to feel this.</p>
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